Talking about our rape, molestation or sexual abuse is incredibly difficult for most of us, so what the reactions of the people we tell can be wonderfully healing, or horribly wounding. In her book, I Can't Get Over It, Aphrodite Mataskis refers to the insensitivity trauma survivors often deal with as secondary wounding. As a result, I've listed some of the best things people have told me and others as well as some of the worst. If you are a survivor who has been wounded by the reactions of people around you, please bear in mind that you deserve to heal no matter what has been said; much of the time, these reactions stem from a person's own feelings, inadequacies, and misconceptions about sexual violence. If you are a supporter, please keep in mind that we are usually struggling with our own feelings of shame, guilt, and anger and you can do a lot to help us through them. If you don't know what to say, letting the survivor in your life know that she is loved and believed is enough and more than enough, but I hope that these examples give you ideas.

Supportive Statements | Unsupportive Statements | Reactions Others Have Shared

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The Most Supportive Things I've Heard

• "We will get through this together. I'm right here. I love you and I will love you forever." My boyfriend said this to me when I met him after leaving the hospital. When he said it, I knew that he realized that we had a long road ahead of us, but that he was going to stick it through; he knew I was still the same person inside, even though I didn't feel the same and he was going to be there as I healed.
• "I'd be worried if you were okay." When my mother said this, I knew that I didn't have to pretend. I didn't have to shut my rape away. She would accept my feelings; thus I could go to her with them. I think that her reaction was essential to me. If she had expected me to recover easily, I feel that I would have shut my feelings away and pretended to be "okay" until I could not avoid facing the rape any longer.
• "Last night was the first time that I have slept well, since the rape. I had been calling the rape, the "incident," or "the assault," to my family but my father said that at the dinner table. When I look back on it, I had been "prettifying the experience," to use the words of a dear friend of mine. By saying that, my father allowed me to publicly use those words, and consequently to name what had been done to me.
• "Jes, I've been thinking of you." These words were said to me by many, but it meant a lot when they came from a friend of my brother who had lost his own brother about a year earlier. Knowing that he could see importance in my experience after his own tragic loss added validation.
• "Please don't worry about my feelings about this. Your healing is the priority." At first, when I talked about the rape, I felt as though I was causing people pain by bringing it up, a feeling that was reinforced by some people's reactions. When a friend of mine said this to me, the guilt was lifted and I felt as though I could speak freely.
• "Jes, you are such a survivor." I remember these words, spoken by my counselor. Hearing this come from her made me feel proud of myself for what I had survived.
• A friend wrote a letter. It was really meaningful to me to have that letter, which showed me that she cared about what happened to me. I carried it with me to read and re-read.
• After I asked my mother what I had done to deserve this, she said, "Nothing, Jes. You didn't ask for it and you didn't deserve it." Most of us struggle with shame on some level. Even if we intellectually know that it wasn't our fault, most of us have difficulty believing this emotionally. It helps to have someone tell us that we did not cause what happened to us.
• Friends sent me cards, flowers, and chocolate on the anniversary date. With these gifts, my friends offered validation and told me that it was okay to be feeling upset on the anniversary date and that they understood why it was such an important and difficult time for me.

A friend's husband planted a rose tree near the place where she had been raped when she was younger. The following spring, on the anniversary of the rape, he cut off a perfect rose and mounted it in a frame, with the words "A rose, if forever" printed below.

The same woman tells me that her best friend immediately became a volunteer at the local Sexual Assault Crisis and Education Center until she felt comfortable enough to make a counseling appointment for herself. Her friend is now studying to be a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner, a nurse who performs the evidence collection examinations.

Another woman tells me that after she was assaulted she was questioning what kind of person she was to have this happen to her. A friend picked her up and they watched the sunset overlooking the ocean. As they stood there, he said, "See, you always see the beautiful things in life, no matter what you are going through...and that's the kind of person you are."

After Bill, my boyfriend, spent time healing, he also decided to volunteer as well. This means the world to me!

• No reaction. This was one of the most common reactions and one that hurt me the most. When I told I need validation. When a person did not react, or reacted as though I had told them that my car had engine trouble, I felt alienated and as if no one could possibly understand.
• "You weren't doing the right things at first, but now you are." Excuse me? You have a map in your pocket? If you do, then why didn't you show me at first? I suspect you don't, so do me a favor and keep your condescending comments to yourself.
• "For Pete's sake, you left the door unlocked?" Um, for the love of Pete! Why aren't you upset that he decided to illegally enter the house?

• "I had a friend who was raped, but hers was much more violent than yours. You are right. I have no scars or bruises on my body, but the scars on me are indelible. Your statement is so minimizing.
• "You were raped. It was a complete and total violation of you." While this statement might have been well-meaning, I think I already knew that. But thanks for telling me.
• "This will make you stronger." Again, this was a well intentioned statement, but I thought I was strong enough before this. I didn't need any more strength. Not at this cost.

• "Are you sure?" Excuse me? Yes. I am sure.

• You need something to distract you. A magazine will work!" There is not much that will distract a survivor from what she is thinking about. Although this idea came from the heart, I really could have used a listening ear.
  
  And the stupidest....
  
  

• Do you really still think about this every day? It is stupid comments like this that make me think about it every day. You have just proved to me that ignorance surrounding rape and sexual abuse still exists in huge proportions.
• I don't think a rape survivor should wear that. My normally wonderful boyfriend came up with this brilliant gem. "I'm sorry. When I wake up in the morning, I usually think about what I wear as a rape survivor. But today, it just slipped my mind. Thanks for reminding me. Moron!

Told boyfriend. He's a counselor himself and knew how to be supportive. But a couple months later he said it really put too much pressure on him. And that even though he knew it wasn't my fault, it bothered him a lot and he was reminded of it every time he looked at me. So he said he didn't think we should be together any more because it was too much to deal with.

j

I first told my mom and her first reaction was "Why did you let him in the house!?"

My dad said "This happens in every relationship." Ok that helps.

My friends at school all said it was my fault. that I "let it happen." because if I "let someone inside my house, it's expected to have sex/make out."

This guy had his way by phone sex for 9 months which was quite annoying and I constantly told him to shut up. He wouldn't listen and once said "I would rape you." in one of those "phone sex" conversations.

Even though there was no penentration, he did violate my trust.

-Kate

"I am glad to be able to offer you a safe place. You will always be a welcome friend."
Emailed to me after I voiced my worry to a friend that I was overburdening him with my problems. He was the first person in whom I confided about my sexual abuse as a child, and continues to be wonderfully supportive.

-Name Witheld

"Are you sure?" Um.. hello?! I really would have voiced it if i weren't sure, yes of course i'm sure! Honestly!

"Its all your fault!! i wish it would all just go away and go back to the way it was!" This was said to me by my mother. Some may say it is a cry for help, sometimes i think so too, but why to me? Doesn't she realise that i'm the first person who wants that?!

"Sometimes people make things up ... then think it happened, a bit like deja vu..... i think you dreamt it up"
Well sweetie, i didn't make it up, i couldn't make it up!

"Who is it? i'll kill him!" Thank you for scaring me, but thank you not.

Helen

"You are being destructive to the community." Funny, I thought that I was just trying to spread the word about him so that he'd never be able to do anything like that again.

"It is totally inappropriate for you to make this public." Sorry. Next time you're getting raped by your partner, I'll just turn the other way and ignore it, too.

"You're overreacting/getting too emotional/irrational." As opposed to who?

"You can't expect people to stop their lives!" No, but it would be great if they could slow down a little, given that I'm in pain and in danger.

"Either get help or get out." Said by a housemate because I had cried in front of him one day.

Avoiding my eyes....flinching when they see me....I am more than this injury! Help me remember that!

-Anonymous

-Anonymous

Another favourite "you should go to the doctors to get some drugs to forget about it....I'm tired of listening to it so I am not talking to you for atleast a week". Gee and it's so easy for me to forget / walkaway from.

-Anonymous

"Isn't it about time for you to move on and get over it?" - Said to me by my ex. Sure... let me just "forget about it" real quick.

"It was a long time ago." - Said to me by a friend. You're right... it was... but it still feels like yesterday. Sorry you can't understand that.

"You don't have to do this alone anymore. I won't let you." - Said to my by my very loving and wonderful husband when he experienced his first of my many "bad nights".

"I want to help, but I need to know how. Help me understand what you're going through." - Again, said by my amazing husband on our honeymoon.

Laura

My boyfriend has been an incredible source of support for me. When I told him what had happened to me (although it had been a few years ago) he didn't hesitate to visit sites made by survivors to understand me. He holds me when I need to be held and lets me cry when I want to cry. He listens to me, reassures me and for the first time in my life I have learnt about trust and I feel safe. I have made the decision to volunteer for a local rape crisis centre, and he supports me all the way and reassures me that we are 'in this together.' The most amazing thing he did was when he was in New Zealand and I was in Italy. I had a scary experience which brought a lot of bad memories back for me. He was prepared to get the first flight over to me. He is amazing, and I wanted to tell people just how wonderful some people can be.

Nikki

My mother said to me when she first found out that I was raped. "I am glad your room is blue because there is no way you can f**k a man for 4 1/2 hours and not be pregnant!" "You must of asked for it"

Anonymous

my friend said " maybe now you won't dress so provacatively when you go out.

Crystal

Wonderful Reaction: From my husband when I told him about my rape after many years of keeping it buried. He talked me into getting therapy and has been with me every step of the way. He told me he will always be with me and I will always be safe with him.

He said "I can't possibly know the feelings, pain and emotions you feel, I could only imagine them and I'm sure what I imagine doesn't even come close. I want you to share with me everything that you feel and I will be here for you always. I will not let you walk this road to healing alone and I will be here for you to lean on whenever the road gets to rocky".

Terrible Reaction from a female "friend": "I don't believe there is such a thing as aquaintance, date or spousal rape".

Babe

My sister last week - "Daddy's changed he was nice on the phone" (stupidest and most enabling thing she has said yet)

-Anonymous

My parents basically moved out of the neighborhood. They never dealt with it. I had absolutely no support. They treated me more like a teenage pregnancy than a rape victim. I've dealt with that my whole life. My child doesn't know. It's 'the secret'. When he was 12, they took him away from me. They said they made a choice between him and me. But then they did that a long time ago. I'm still dealing with it all. It's been 32 years. And I'm still not over it all. I wonder how many counselors and how long it will take. I woke up this a.m. realizing it will never 'go away'.

-Anonymous

My husband had been raping me for years. At first my mother had no reaction when I told her. Then she told me to go back to him because it was stressing her out. Then she said "I need your help dealing with this." Then she went to Vermont for Christmas and left me alone in her house with no one to turn to while he had hired someone to kill me, and i'd told her that. That was before she let her new husband verbally abuse me and toss me out of her house.

My grandmother told me to go back to him because he gave me nice stuff.

The rest of my family ignored what I said.

One friend said he didn't care what I said or did, or how I acted, he knew i'd been through alot and he'd always be there for me, he brought me to live at his family's house where I had a warm place to live and food.

My other friend gave me a place to work, a place to live and food.

No other "friends" talk to me anymore cause my ex lied to them.

-Ramona

"I hope you don't change because you were perfect the way you were..." Said to me by my boyfriend at the time of the rape, one week after it happened when I was over a 1,000 miles away.

H

My boyfriend said to me online "I'm so sorry for the attack you underwent. My emotions were messed up just hearing about it." To this day, about 6 months after telling him, he continues to a big supporter.

-Sally

"Do you really think you have the right to upset the rest of the family about this?"--from my mother, regarding my exposure of my stepfather as having sexually abused myself & another sister during our childhood years

"If this is true, why did you wait so long to say anything?"--also from my mother, regarding the fact that I didn't speak of my abuse till I was 40.

"I'm not calling you a liar, it's just that I can't say that I implicitly believe you--this is YOUR reality."--also from my mother, who apparently believes that the abuse is all just a misunderstanding. Maybe if I just look at things a little differently, I won't feel the same about it--yeah, right!

Beth

"It's your fault! you opened the door. You should know what what kind of man he was."-said a minister when I told him how my ex-boyfriend stalked and raped me. Ya right!! Since when did God blessed me with the power to read minds and control others actions. If I could do that I'll rich!

Anonymous

I told a friend who seemed to care and understand, and even be horrified for me. Then she dated him. Later she told me she had never taken me seriously.

I told my mother, who turned out to be a survivor, amazingly enough. She told me, "You're beautiful . . . you never asked for this . . . it's never your fault . . . someday you'll hardly ever have to think about it"

-sole

Said by a guy I was dating: "But you were with him for a year." Then he paused. "So, was it just the last time you were with him?" When I told him it happened repeatedly during our one-year relationship, he got this nasty scowl on his face.

Before telling him about what happened, things had been great between us. But after that night he started to avoid me, and began dating another girl before he officially broke up with me. (He even had the nerve to ask me why I was upset after he told me he'd been seeing someone else.) In my nightmares I still see the scowl he wore when I told him.

"Your dad is a good person. He wouldn't do something like that, I can't believe you would make something like that up for attention."--My abusive ex-boyfriend

"I've heard it all before. All girls say that. Well, you must have enjoyed 'cause otherwise you wouldn't have put up with it for so long"--Abusive boyfriend #2

"Give it a rest. I can't stand your voice or the way you look when you're upset. It just makes me want to get away from you, you must think you're the only one who's ever had a stupid problem."--another uplifting comment from #2

"What is wrong with you? Why are you so angry all the time? What have I ever done to deserve so much anger from you?--stupidest questions ever, from the abuser himself

"We live in a different world from those who haven't experienced this, but at least we live in it together and can help each other through it."--my loving, supportive fiance, who is also a survivor -Judith

(From my long-term boyfriend)

"I know you're going to counselling now and that's great. But if you don't get better soon, I can no longer be with you."

This was horrible... All of a sudden I was going to counseling for him and not me; trying to get better to keep him and not to help myself. Ultimately, I could not move forward with my healing until the realtionship ended and I started going to counseling for me and no one else.

-Natasha

A wonderful reaction, for me, was when my fiance let me know he was still there for me, even though he knew about what happened. And, recently, he reminded me that I had said, "no," in effect by avoiding and keeping away from the individuals who found a way to get to me anyway.

A wonderful reaction is when my son approved of a web page I created for the support of rape survivors, and even helped me with it.

Another wonderful reaction was when a friend invited me to her church after I told her about what had happened, and we became better friends.

Another wonderful reaction was when I told a professor, at the college I attended, about the rape incident and he told me he didn't understand why the police had questioned me about someone getting into my apartment. "It's actually very easy to get into an apartment," he assured me, adding, "I'm so sorry this happened to you. If there is any way I can help, let me know." He also allowed me to take off work early to get to classes,as I had confided to him that I was pregnant. He said he admired me for not quitting my classes, and that he understood it must be extremely difficult for me. He told me he would not tell anyone.

Another wonderful thing was when my pastor's wife counseled me for an hour, never having counseled anyone before, and reassured me that it was not my fault and that she was there for me whenever I needed to talk to someone. She said she would not discuss what I had said to her with anyone.

A terrible reaction was from a former pastor's wife, now living in Dallas,who, when I told her about the rape, stopped writing me altogether. That really hurt me, as I had considered her to be a close friend and confidante.

A terrible reaction for sure was from a clerk/manager at a downtown store, who threw a lighted cigarette butt at me as I left and he re-entered the store, after he took a cigarette break. I reported the incident to the store and I think he was suspended for a couple of days and that was it.

Other terrible reactions I still get are from ignorant men on the bus and almost everywhere, who seem to regard me as a whore or something; they will stare and try to intimidate me in various ways and openly treat me like a slut or something. I put them in their place, when I can, but it gets very trying.

A terrible reaction was when I told a friend over the phone about the rape and she began to ridicule the incident, along with her daughter, who happened to be on the extension phone at the time. I never talked to her again. I felt she was so rude; I can't understand her reaction at all.

A terrible reaction was when I told a neighbor where I now live (I moved) about the rape and she didnt respond at all except to look at me a little strangely like she thought I was crazy. She never mentioned the rape again, and neither did I; it was clear she didn't want to hear about it. After that, she was kind-of condescending towards me, like I was not quite as good as her and like I was a child or something.

Another terrible reaction happened a the hospital, where a nurse talked to me as though I were totally psychotic, asking me when the last time was that I imagined having been raped and being pregnant. She also insisted I call the police and then proceeded to tell the cop I was having a psychotic episode, within earshot of me, as though I were so out of it I wouldn't be able to catch on to what she was saying.

The cop, in turn, proceeded to behave as if I were probably imagining the whole thing. I am positive these reactions explain why the rape was not investigated thoroughly.

-Lee Anders

according to my mom "it couldn't be really that bad and my ex husband and I should work it out".

response to my flashback last night by my boyfriend "its not your fault but its too much to deal with. some other guy might cope better, but i'm not some other guy"

I get upset the most when I explain why I am leaving the room and do not want to watch a movie/tv show with my bf anymore; he acts like he needs to calm me down so we can get back to watching the movie/tv show. I don't think he wants to understand "triggering media" cause he thinks I'm gonna force him to give up his need for triggering entertainment.

the best reaction was my dads girlfriend who heard me crying in my room and just came and held me and said "no means no and it wasn't your fault" i love her so much

-Cheryl