I am a survivor of incest and stranger rape. The incest lasted for a period of ten years. (ages 7-17) In 1996 I was raped by co-worker that I didn't know personally. I am now 25 years old and I can say doing better with the help of God, my family and counselor. Its still hard to talk about. I still live in the house where the incest took place so, you can imagine how difficult it is for me. I am surviving.
Anonymous
Mary's Story
I was gang raped many years ago. It has left me with a rage and self loathing so deep that many times I consider suicide!! I've been to some rape groups throughout the years but I can't seem to find a "bottom" to all the destructiveness this has caused. I need to continue to talk about it and share with others to get a "handle" on it so I can live with this. I have particular trouble in dealing with men--I;m angry and defensive and many men are very insensitive to my "issues"--Sadly I find many women insensitive to them as well!! I want to share my story with whoever will listen in hopes of healing mself and maybe helping others.
Laura's Story
Before anything happened... I was the ideal 15 year old girl. Went to church every Sunday, participated in my Youth Group, had a wonderful group of friends, did well in school... the model child. Then, that all changed.
It all changed the day I met Rich. He was the definition of a "bad boy". Always in trouble, had been kicked out of school, and no one dared get in his way. But, he liked me. He wanted me. We started to date. The first couple days were dreamy. He came to pick me up, met my parents, etc. Within a week, things started to change. I was a virgin and he knew it, yet constantly pressured me to have sex. For months, I refused to give in. During those months, that pressure turned into severe mental abuse. I was worthless, ugly, and anything else he could come up with. But, I stayed with him. Then, he started pushing me around. Not hitting me, but shoving me up against walls and such. He would go out every night and have sex with other women, calling me during to make sure I knew. He once took me to a flower shop and bought a beautiful long stem rose. When we got in the car, I was smiling... until he looked at me and said... "You do know this isn't for you, right?" He gave that rose to a pretty girl in the parking lot. As always, I kept quiet and pretended it didn't hurt. When we weren't together... I started partying constantly, skipping school, pulling away from my friends and family, and slowly began to withdraw from the world.
4 months after we started dating, I finally gave into his pressure for sex. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought that maybe he'd be nicer to me. Not so. Not even remotely close. If anything, it got worse after that. Exactly one week after losing my virginity, we were fighting as always. He told me that he was going to "mentally fuck me up until I couldn't handle it anymore". I lost it. I asked him why he treated me so terribly and he said, "because you're a worthless bitch and that's how you should be treated." After dropping him off, I drove to a friend's house. They were drinking and talking about going to a party. Hearing what had happened, they invited me along. Of course, I said yes. So, we pulled the "you say you're staying at my house and I'll say I'm staying at yours" and off we went. Hitting the road, armed with water bottles filled with lemonade and vodka. An hour later, we reached the party. One of my friends knew the guy throwing the party, but we knew no one else. 3 16 yr old girls and 10 guys... all in college. I didn't even think twice, I just started drinking more. 45 minutes later, I had consumed 12 beers and found myself in the bathroom for quite a while. Then, I made my way to the couch and passed out.
Late that night, I woke up to the light of the television. Everyone else was sleeping... except for him. Jason was his name... though, I don't think he's worthy of a name. He asked me how I was feeling and mentioned that he'd heard I'd had a bad fight with my boyfriend. Seeing me nod, he asked if I wanted to talk about it. So, we grabbed a couple beers and walked outside. Sitting in the grass, we talked. He held me. Kissed my cheek. Told me I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And made me feel wanted. Then, he mentioned taking a drive.
Knowing I was entirely too intoxicated to even get behind the wheel, I handed him my keys. I still look back and blame myself for that... I shouldn't have gotten in the car with someone I barely knew, let alone given him my keys. But, I did. And we drove. I don't know where and I don't know how far. But, we ended up in a neighborhood and he pulled off to the side of the road, in front of a house. Shutting off the car, he leaned over and kissed me. No big deal. He was on his side of the car and I was on mine. To this day, I still don't recall how he ended up on top of me. All I remember was the wave of panic that swept over my body when he took off my clothes. I told him I had just lost my virginity. He simply smiled... as if that pleased him. I told him I wasn't sure this was such a good idea. Again, he just smiled. I was so drunk and I felt so dizzy. I closed my eyes until I felt his fingers inside of me. I gasped and tried to move away, but couldn't get very far as I was in the front seat of my car. I asked him to stop. He slid the seat further back and got down as low as he could in front of me. Horrified, I watched as he began to perform oral sex on me. I still remember the scratching of his goatee and his hands gripping my hips. I started to cry, telling him to stop. He didn't. Instead, he pulled himself up to me and removed his clothing. Grabbing my hand, he said, "touch it." When I shook my head, he took it upon himself to force me to touch him. His grip on my shoulder was enough to put fear in me. I knew what was about to happen. Reclining the seat back, he crawled up further and told me to "suck it". Again, I shook my head, so he forced himself into my mouth. Tears streamed down my face as I did what he wanted, praying that I would wake up from this awful nightmare. But, the nightmare wasn't over yet.
The moment he pushed himself inside of me, I screamed. I felt like I was being torn open. When I had lost my virginity, I didn't bleed... but I did this time. And I could feel it already. I closed my eyes and tried to remove myself. Tried to make it all go away. Turning my head to the side, I stared at the darkened windows of the house and silently prayed someone would wake up and see me. It never happened. I cried for him to stop, but it was like he never heard my voice. It felt like one of those nightmares when you're being chased... and no matter how fast you try to run, you're always moving in slow motion. Then it was over. "Get dressed" was all he said. It was over. My nightmare was over. I remember nothing more until the following morning. Waking up with the sunrise, I got my friends up and told them we were leaving immediately. As we walked out the door, I looked back over my shoulder, hoping it had all been a terrible nightmare. But, he opened his eyes, looked at me, smiled, put his finger to his lips, and shook his head. I ran out the door. That day, I showered 5 times.
2 months later, Rich found out. I had told 2 people and one of them told him. Why, I'll never know. But, he found out. And when he did... he hugged me. I cried and he hugged me. Then, he whispered in my ear, "you fucking deserved it, you stupid bitch." But, again... I stayed with him. I let him torment me for another 2 months. The day I left him was the day he nailed me across the back of the head. And I never looked back. But, the damage had been done. I drank every night, I dropped out of highschool, I starved myself until my friends found out and changed that pattern immediately. But, by that point, I had mentally shut down. I became numb. For 4 years, I was numb. I spent 2 years in therapy off and on, but never told the whole story. I left out the crucial events. The things that changed who I was and who I am today. A year after "that night", I met someone who spent the next 5 years loving me and caring for me. Until I was no longer numb. Then, he suddenly had to deal with those emotions.
Those 4 years of numbness came to an end when I moved 2000 miles away by myself. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and nightmares. They all started at once. My boyfriend essentially blamed me and left me... alone, frustrated, angry, and wishing I was numb all over again. The last time we ever had sex together... I didn't want to. I cried the entire time. And when he was done, he said, "Jesus Christ Laura... it's not like I raped you." That broke me completely. He told me I should've done something to stop it, that I should have fought harder, and that it was my fault it happened. Only recently have I come to terms and accepted that that too was and is considered rape. In some ways, that only makes it worse. I constantly ask myself, "How could I have let it happen twice? How stupid can I be to let it happen again?" I kinda' know it's not right, but my mentality and what's been burned into my head tells me otherwise.
In total... it'll be 8 years this July... and I have my good nights, but I have more than my fair share of bad nights. Every day is a new day and I'm slowly dealing with my past. I have some wonderful friends who support me and a couple who are there for me night and day. I still blame myself most of the time, though I know I shouldn't. And I still have little to no confidence in myself. I'm constantly terrified of being alone. And I find I have to have an extremely secure feeling with all of my male friends (the majority). There is plenty left untold in this story, but I can only handle so much at one time. It gets to be a little overwhelming and often causes constant panic attacks. But, medication helps me keep it together and I do what I can to get through each day. And that's enough for me right now.
Story of a Woman
I grew up in a mainly poor environment. I traveled to Alaska after being Born in Portland Oregon on May 28th 1980. I was the only child in the family history born out of an agreement between a man and a woman. I was an artificially born baby, there was no love between my Mother and Father, no relationship. She simply wanted to conceive a child, therefore she asked a dear friend to make this happen for her. He agreed and after I was born became attached. This was when my Mother took me away for good to Alaska. I loved living there and for some 9 years I had. This was the only home I had ever known. The snow was my friend she was my dreams and the trees were my comfort from the wind. I did experience some Child Day care abuse while in Alaska, Mother had to go to school to study to be a law secretary so I spent most of the days there with these people. They were terribly abusive. They would oftentimes each day whip me furiously, make me drink chemicals from under the sink, throw me out side in the mud and tell me to lay my head down in the mud where I was not able to hear anything but the rain pounding my right ear. I was then beaten many times with hard peg boards and belts. The kids were really the one's who got me in trouble, they loved to see me hurt so they would make up stuff about me to aim trouble such as tell them I had said a bad word, things such as this. But they always had an excuse for everything when Mom came to pick me up. So she never knew until we left. We left Alaska in late summer of 1989. My Mother stayed behind in Alaska to tidy up some last minute things while my sister and I traveled here to California for the first time. When Mother arrived we were all three taken care of in a small two bedroom apartment with our grandmother.
After arriving to California things got rough. We moved around so much, Mom had so many boyfriends, I was about to lose it. We had moved a total of 11 times in 3 years. I went to 6 different schools by the time I was in the 5th grade. I don't know how many times we went hungry. We were oftentimes so poor that we ate syrup and lettuce to help us survive. Mom told me to rely on school lunches and to bring hot lunch home to eat because we were on welfare so my school lunches were free. I would steal lunches and pack them away inside my bag until we got home. During this time Mom was not doing so well, she met this man she married in like two weeks after they met. He is actually my Mother's second cousin, I do not know if this is strait incest but well, that's life for you. My sister left about a year after they had been married to go live with my aunt. This man was a horrible man to me. He once locked me up in a room for a month strait all for nothing at all. I still do not get it to this day. I ate in there, slept in there, didn't know the time. I was allowed out for bathroom privileges. After that the garage was my bedroom and for a week I did not understand why. Only I knew it was quiet and amongst the noises of him and my Mother fighting so much it was bliss even though it was a hell hole. He would beat my Mother so badly. Then he would come after me. He once sent both of us to the hospital. My Mother had to use a catheter because he slammed her so hard into a wall he not only put her through the wall right in front of my eyes but he bruised her back so badly that she could not move. Thankfully her back did not break.
This was the same man who raped me. It was the October of 1991 and I was then 11 years old at the time. This was the 28th so this was three days before Halloween. My Mother had gone to jail because he planted drugs in her purse. The drugs they were quite heavy on and she let it happen the whole time because he didn't want to lose his job. They were pulled over and searched over a broken tail light for suspicion and bang, she was caught after he slid in his move. My Mother went to jail for 6 months. I had waited so long for her smell, her hug, her touch, her voice, so long to just have her right there, to feel her hair, it was a dream once she finally got back to us. But in between while she was away was a different tale. My step-father told me one hot day to come into the bathroom of our small apartment. Closing the door behind him he the told me he wanted to teach me about sex because this was something my Mother advised him to do which was a lie. he said I had a choice. He could either teach me by showing me or just talking to me. He told me to say yes or no and I said "Well, what did your daughter tell you when you talked to her about it?" and he said "She said No". So assuming that was the logical thing to do I then said No. But he then came back and said "Well, this is what your mother would want." I was then hoisted to the counter afraid and raped. It was only a minute I believe, it wasn't anything long, it hurt very much I know that but I still did not know what had happened to me until I turned about 14.
My Mom eventually left him after enduring so much pain from him but the memory of what he had done to me kept on so hard. He had made me on other occasions watch porno movies while sitting on his lap. He would come into my room at night naked shining flashlights in my eyes while I slept. Searching my entire body up and down, pulling off my covers and smelling my breasts. Smelling my hair, touching my hands. This was not a fatherly kind of affection and even I knew that.
Well, I grew up some. Went through junior high and high school. In between I became a constant depressed cutter. I went into doing some Pot and drinking whenever I could get away with it. I moved in with my Aunt because the schools were better in Washington compared to the ones here in California in the town I was in which did not supply very many books or computers to help teach us. The teachers were powerless against the rebellious students. Mom was losing it, she even became very verbally and physically abusive. Sometimes beating me with a fan, belt, stick and throwing me out in the rain in the back yard to the dog house. I mean there was so much. If I drag this story on for you I just couldn't complete it. I must move on, just know that I went through hell and back with her for so long. The abuse was tremendous but she was on drugs. She had to let me go in order to fix her life and once I left she got better and better each and every day. Alone without me, that must have been the hardest thing for her to endure, both her daughters running off to live with their Aunt because they were to tired to deal with her and you know what? It was her only wake - up call. She changed for life after this happened. She was a great mother don't get me wrong, just did some un-motherly things and that is exactly what drugs will do to a person. It makes a person hateful.
Living in Washington was nice. Beside the fact that my Aunt was very verbally abusive toward us children. She always yelled all the time. If you did not agree with her there you were in her face being yelled at. My daily names were "Stupid Bitch" or "stupid girl". It was terrible. She beat me a few times as well. I just couldn't get away. My only love was going to school each day. I LOVED my school. It was marvelous. My sister graduated there and so did my cousin. She went off and had a baby after I turned 16. She had her life and I had mine. Eventually my sister and I grew apart which is probably the saddest thing I am still enduring to this day. And I won't speak of her in this story any longer nor will I speak of those times in Washington because of the memories attached to her. Just know this, I turned 18 and did not get to graduate high school. I was then kicked out of my house for finding Christ in my heart. This house was full of pagan wiccan religious people and I did not fit in. I was shown the door and told to leave after being beaten for deciding to get married to my current boyfriend at the time which I did eventually marry. I was thrown out in the streets. I had to quit my job the next day. I was also so involved in Theater, I had been a performing artist and song writer for so many years and years. I had been leads in plays and I had been in musicals and festivals, it was a dream to me to peruse my acting and singing career. At the time I had been in a play called 'Hamlet' where I played Queen Gertrude. I had played the show once but had to give it up because I immediately had to leave school and go live with my Mother. My boyfriend was sneaking me into his parents house to have a place to stay. Do you think my Aunt and that family ever once tried to find me? No they did not. They didn't even care about me. To this day they call me names and tell me how jealous they are, how I will never succeed yet when something good happens and I am rewarded they always come looking for their share and you know what? It doesn't even happen. That's how I see it.
My Marriage didn't last very long, about 9 months than I left the crazy guy. He was way too controlling and I needed my freedom. So I left him after starting up this web site in 1999 in which he told me I was crazy to begin in the first place because no one would ever want to listen to the ramblings of a raped girl (Well I guess I showed him a thing or two). So I put this web site on hold for a while and traveled to New Jersey after leaving him and all of the commotion of a divorce. Princeton New jersey was pretty but it wasn't all pleasant. The only nice thing was that you could actually walk down the street in the middle of the night and not feel fear because the town was so bright and there were churches everywhere, it still felt so safe and so did the University of Princeton which I live about a 2 minute walk from. The University was grand. I worked in a Mansion called the peacock Inn. The very same place F. Scott Fitzgerald stayed in occasionally and Albert Einstein had his regular drinks. I also got to see Albert's house on Mercer street. It was wonderful because I walked everywhere and after finding his house I stood outside of it looking up thinking "Wow, one of the greatest minds ever and here I am in his now spiritual presence." I wrote some poetry on his porch that night because I always carried my journal and then I kissed the wooden post and walked away forever never looking back. Only wondering how many time he sat there on that very porch writing out his solutions to life.
After meeting a man in NJ who I had met on-line I thought things were pretty swell. I hated my job but well, that was life and I wanted to survive. He then used me to get sex and well, that messed me up so badly. I never heard from him again. he basically abandoned me after he got exactly what he wanted from me. You know what? That hurts even to this day. It hurt me so bad that i went numb, I couldn't believe my life up until this point. How it seemed to swivel back and forth like it were on a see-saw. Going up and down and up and down. I had met yet another man whom I had met on-line as well who after meeting him and going to his place raped me right there. This rape was brutal, it was forced, it was unexpected and I should have been aware. It was not my fault. I was in a state of sheer numbness, I couldn't think, all I knew was that I needed a friend and I needed one fast. After raping me from behind and forcefully for some 20 minutes he made me lay there with him and then all of a sudden I was told to leave and find the train station back on my own to get home. I walked for 3 hours in the snow in the middle of the night for a train station. Once I found my way back to Princeton it was 9:00 in the morning and I was wet from the snow and dirty from this man and all I could think about was calling the police. You don't know the trouble it was for me. In the whole time I lived there I maybe saw 2 cops. That's it and I walked everywhere. So there was no luck flagging one down in the street and there was even no more luck doing it by phone because as soon as I walked through the hotel doors the boss took one look at me and halted what I was about to say, she ordered me to go upstairs, shower and get my butt down stairs because I was 2 hours late for work. This was my home, I didn't have any place to stay and the head boss was so very mean to everyone. It was like she ran a slave shop, she would take money from us left and right. Had I not done what I was told I would have surely lost my job and my home all in one day. There was absolutely no understanding on my level.
This was a day before Christmas and all I wanted to do was die. I had thought about the many times I had attempted suicide miserably and I longed for death. I could taste it on the tips of my lips. Yet I knew I had something to go back to and that this was simply one stupid pathetic month and a half out of my life, it was not going to win over me for good. I got my butt home as soon as I got fired two weeks later over something once again pathetic. Home was here in California with my Mother. I had to come back, I only had 300 saved so I bought me a train ticket and traveled all the way across America into what soon would be my freedom. On the trip here to California on the train I met so many people. I even met a boy. I was fragile I know but something inside of me just told me not to be so afraid. "Say something to him". Oh my mind was in a whirl. We met of coarse, I met his family. See he was on the train because he was coming back from finding his long lost brother and sisters who were kidnapped 4 years prior by his Mother whom they do not love anymore. So he was on a rescue mission basically. He then asked me if I liked to fish. He then asked me to go fishing with him and I said yes. We exchanged telephone numbers and that was that. About two weeks went by and I called first of coarse. We set up a time to go and we went fishing here near the river. The feather river to be exact. It was a magical day. There was some attraction of coarse but it was great to have someone to talk to finally. I won't tell you what happened the rest of the months to come but I will tell you this though, this man I am speaking of right now is the man I am with today. He is my love. I have never found trusting him more easier, I have never had a life more simpler, more full of love and spirituality as I do when I am with him. He is supportive to my web site, my lifestyle and my feelings and you know what? I wouldn't change a thing in my past because had it not been for the mess, I would not have found the true happiness I have in my arms every day today. I would not see the changes in my Mother, the changes in my health. I am happy. Oh Lord that feels so good to say. I have my days of coarse like anyone but honestly.........there's nothing like assured love and the satisfaction of holding it close. forever.
How have I started to heal? It basically came along in time. Healing takes time and a lot of us forget to remember that. In the three years of chaos I had my breaks and days where I could be alone, I studied, I made sure I knew what I was saying before I said something. I made a couple few mistakes but I know that is what is suppose to happen for if not the mistakes I would be boring and untamed. My healing came from what has been brought through faith. Not in God, he had a lot to do with it but I mean the faith of others around you and the faith I carried from within. I can't tell you exactly how it occurred it just did. It was like a door opening and there was a being on the other side telling me it was safe to cross that threshold of sorrow into a life of learning. Without learning there is no healing. I'll be the first to tell you honestly how it is. You have to learn. And I have learned. I believe learning to heal is everlasting such as is God and if you keep on keeping on "This too shall pass." So keep on learning, keep on thriving and surviving. I am telling you from one who has suffered so much to another "It's never too late for a new beginning."
With Love,
Haullie
All These Years
