It's about time for everyone to know the truth!!

Forgive me for my mind and my tears are running a million miles a minute right now. I will try my best to tell you everything I can remember... It was over four years ago but at times it seems just like yesterday. The memories are slowly coming back to me piece by piece. The details flying into my head and pictures I've never seen burn their image into the back of my eyes. I close them as tightly as I can to try to wipe away the pain they bring with them. It was March 14, 2000 1 am, possibly 2 am when a tapping woke me from my sleep. I went and opened my blinds to find my boyfriend, Kevin Beckstrand, staring back at me.

We had only been dating for a few weeks but I felt so close to him. I had met him through his little brother Brandon. We went to a church dance together and since Brandon wasn't feeling well Kevin offered to dance with me. After the dance we met a few times here and there at school and our relationship grew over time. Then one night, at the Sadie Hawkin's dance, we totally clicked! The way you only see in movies or read about in romance novels. God, they way he danced. it was as if he was moving into my soul. Reading me with every move he made. I totally fell for this blonde, blue-eyed babe in no time. That night he kissed me (I've had a history of bad relationships that not many people know about me) and I really felt it might turn out to be something special. We dated as a non-official couple for a few weeks. Sneaking in and out of church dances only to park in abandoned store lots and talk the night away. We always talked about his religion and our future together. He's Mormon and I was thinking of going to his church with him and his family. We talked about the future, our pasts, and the present. He told me he wanted to be a virgin until he was married and even showed me a letter he wrote to his future wife claiming such lies. I told him that I as well had ALWAYS wanted to stay a virgin until I was married and that I had never even gone any farther then french kissing. He said the same about him. I trusted him with all my heart. He asked me out on February 28th in my fathers half-built shed. He had ditched work that day to see me. I thought it was so cute.

Anyway, back to that night, I opened the window, making sure not to create a sound. The entire house was asleep and what would my parents think of their 15-year-old daughter sneaking her new boyfriend into their house in the dead of the night? Not good! He told me that he wanted to talk to me about an issue with his mother. (She didn't approve of us being a couple because, in Mormon standards, I was under age. And the fact that I wasn't Mormon made it worse) He sat down on my bed and I lit a few candles in my room. I didn't want my parents to see the light under the door if they for some reason happened to walk by. I sat down next to him and he took my hand in his. We sat there in silence for a while neither of us really knowing what to say or why he was there. I broke the silence by asking what he had come to talk about. Then he told me the issues involving his mother. He said that she didn't approve of us and that he was going to lie to her and tell her we were just friends. He just wanted to know if it was ok with me. I told him I would go along with it and we moved on to other topics such as school and friends.

By the time it was 3 am we were cuddled under the sheets, quietly laughing and talking. He rolled over on one side to look at me and he started singing softly. I don't remember the song now but I'll never forget that look in his eyes. Its that “look” that look of “needing and wanting”. I knew right away what he was thinking but we had sworn to each other that if the time ever came we would wait. He leaned over and kissed me. I think he could have read my mind because he whispered in my ear "don't worry its ok". For some reason I felt the need and want too. Its so hard to explain. We started kissing deeper and I put my arms around him to pull him closer. He started moving his hands up towards my breasts and I stopped him. This was my first time really doing anything with a guy and I was willing to experiment but he was going way to fast. We started kissing again and I put my hands in his hair. It was so long and soft. the moment seemed to freeze time. He started putting his hands on me again and this time I let him. He started at my waist and slowly worked his way onto my right breast. While he was fondling me I had to urge to do something back so I started to unbutton his pants. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing but I acted like I did. When I reached down I found out he was already erect and I just did what came naturally to me and fondled him back.

We went on like this for a few minuets when he, unexpectedly to me, ejaculated in my hands. I had never experienced any of this before and it scared me at first, but I figured it must be a good thing because he wasn't telling me to stop. Finally he let his grasp fall from my breast to my hand that was still around him. I was shaking. I don't know if it was from fear, nervousness, or excitement. But he reassured me by giving me a long kiss and telling me he loved me. I smiled and he whispered "thanks" and kissed me again. He zipped up his pants and got up to leave. I opened the window for him and sat in the window seat to watch him leave. He got into his blue, p.o.s, car (its a Toyota Tracell, I hate that stupid car!) and pulled out of our driveway without my parents ever waking up or finding out he was there. I sat up for a little longer thinking of what just happened. What everything felt like, how his hands felt around me, how he felt in my hand. I had never experienced anything like that in all my short 15 years. I never once thought we would be doing something like that! I liked it but I felt so guilty. I climbed in bed still thinking about what had happened. Trying to remember every little detail of the night. I had class early that morning and it was already almost 4 am. I slowly drifted away dreaming of holding him once again.

The next day I was a mess at school. I had a Baby Think It Over doll from a school project with me. I hate to take it to school everyday (it was for an English project on teen pregnancy I was doing) and the teacher was a little annoyed whenever it cried and interrupted lectures. Between Kevin and the baby I didn't get any sleep! Paying attention was hard enough but now it was virtually impossible. I got through the day and everything went on as it usually did, dinner with the family, talking to friends on the phone, and catching up on some homework right before getting to bed. I slipped on a long silk nightgown and lit a few candles, just enough light to read under. I had just blown out the candles and started falling asleep when I heard the tapping again.

It startled me awake. I jumped up from my bed and opened the blinds to see him standing there again. I opened the window and as a sort of a warning I whispered, "You can't keep coming over like this! They are going to find out one of these days! And when they do were both going to be in a world of trouble!" He just told me that he wanted to talk again and I fell for it. Stupid me! I told him to hold on a second and I threw on some jeans and a sweater and climbed outside. I didn't want to get caught with him in the house. It looks more innocent if I were outside talking instead of under my covers with him. I handed him a sweater to throw on. It was freezing outside! We talked for quite a while until I heard that stupid baby again. I had to hurry back into my window so it wouldn't wake anyone. Before I could stop him, he followed me in, complaining about the bitter cold. Once inside he took the sweater off and sat down on my bed. We started talking again once the doll was done “eating”.

I don't know how it got started but we begun to fool around a little. It just started with simple kissing until he had pulled me on top of him. I lifted his shirt and kissed his chest they way I had seen in movies. Then I slowly moved my hands down towards his pants. I unbuttoned and unzipped them so slowly. What was I doing I thought, this is crazy. Here I was "little miss stay a virgin till marriage" unzipping the pants of a “Mormon boy” so we could fool around. As insane as it sounds that's what we were doing. UGH...

Things had escalated and he had unbuttoned my jeans and was playing with me over my underwear as I sat on him. I told him to hold on a second and with a disapproving groan he let me up. I took down my pants and threw on a pair of boxers then pulled my sweater off and put on a big t-shirt. I climbed back into my, and under the covers and lay down next to him. He rolled over to face me and started touching my breasts again. He took off my shirt and I started fondling with him like I did the night before. He pulled his pants down a little further for easier access but didn't pull them down completely. He pulled me on top of him again. I was really uncomfortable in that position, while I was half-naked, so I pulled myself back and made him go back to how we were before. That's when he slowly took of my shorts. I remember he never did touch me anywhere besides my breasts while I was naked. Things were getting to hot for me to handle and I told him to slow down and reminded him of what we had said before about staying virgins. He slowed down for a bit then picked right back up where he was. I said to him "Kevin, please!" I just wanted to fool around and he knew that. I figured that's what he wanted too.

He took me by surprise when all of a sudden he rolled me over and climbed on top of me. He was lying on top of my body so that I could hardly move. His hips were already placed between my legs and there was no way for me to wiggle out from under him. He grabbed my wrists and held them above my head. When he tried to kiss me I shook my head and started pleading with him. I didn't want to scream because I had let him in and I feared that I would get in trouble if anyone found out. I thought I might just be able to get out of this on my own but I was wrong. I told him "Stop! Please! Kevin, you know this is wrong!" It was as if he couldn't even hear me. As he put himself inside of me I wanted to take his hair of his and rip it out by the roots. There wasn't to much physical pain involved because he had played with me till I was "wet". It was as if he knew what he was doing. I squirmed even more and yelled out his name. By now I was crying hysterically and begging for him to stop what he was doing. He didn't even once look at me. After all of my attempts to get him to stop I finally gave up. There was nothing more I could do but lay there and take it and pray he wouldn't hurt me. From the moment of giving up to the moment he climbed off of me I had blacked out. Due to blacking out I don't know how long he took or if he had done anything else.

He stood up and buttoned his pants without saying a word. I just lay there crying for a few minuets while he put his shoes back on. Once he stood up to go I stood up to grab my nightgown. That's when I noticed that he had cum inside of me. It all went running down my legs. It was something I had never experienced before and I was scared at first thinking it was blood. He was already opening the window to go when I walked over. He climbed out and I, for fear of what he might do to me, told him that I loved him. He just grinned at me, got into that stupid car and pulled out. That's when I knew... that he knew... what he had done. That grin, the look on his face. it was a look of guilt, pleasure, and accomplishment of a horrific deed all in one. I slammed shut the window, closed the blinds, and collapsed on my bed in a lake of tears. The guy that I had liked so much, the one that I thought would finally be something... had just... just. raped me?

From then on I was totally different inside but completely normal on the outside. I didn't want anyone to know what he had done. I felt it was my fault, that I let him in, and played with him, and that I deserved to be hurt. School during the break was hell from then on also. I ended up getting a D in the class. Not fun when you're trying you're best to pass. And the baby was driving me nuts by the time it was over! Those two weeks of spring break were possibly the worst two weeks of my entire life.

Once school started back up I had become completely numb to the rest of the world. No one seemed to notice and I was fine with that. I saw him everyday because of the fact that we were still technically “dating”. I brought it up to him in a letter once. Asking what had actually happened that night but he never responded. That is until I told him I might be pregnant. He was so scared. He admitted, yes, he raped me but said he would never tell and if I knew what was good for me I wouldn't either. It turned out I wasn't pregnant, thank God. We started drifting apart and stopped hanging out for reasons that you all know now. People started asking if we were still together, and we were, but we just said we weren't hanging out together at the time they saw us. It was as if we were both lying to cover up what had happened.

On April 6, 2002 we broke up. It was a mutual thing. We both knew what happened and we knew we weren't going to work. That's when the rumors started. I had people asking me if we had slept together. At first I wanted to tell them everything about that night. Every detail about what he had done to me. But I just told them "No". After a while I started saying "Yes we slept together" just so they would leave me alone. Then one of my good friends Sami confronted me about it. She knew I wanted to stay a virgin and we kind of had a pact going that we promised to each other to stay true. To each other, our future husbands, God, and mostly ourselves. What could I say to her? That he had raped me and I was hiding it from everyone I cared about? No way I didn't want to hurt her so I just told her yes, we slept together, once. She didn't react very well and we haven't talk since that day. She's on "his side" now. Saying that I'm lying. I wish I could tell her how I feel. We used to always talk. I miss her sometimes. sigh. But you can't change the past. Lord knows I would if I could.

I started dating Tommy Engelhardt after Kevin and I broke up. He was someone for me to turn too. We were close friends for a while and he had tried to get with me way before I ever met Kevin. I should have gone out with him because none of this would have ever happened if I had. School got out not to long after that and I shoved everything into the back of my mind. The times it did come out no one knew why. They just figured it was what my parents like to call my "teenage attitude". The summer was good. The only times I had to see Kevin was when he haunted my dreams. I dreaded going back to school because I knew he would be there.

Once school started back up everything went down hill from there. I had started having a lot of flashbacks. I would flip out on Tommy and hit him and yell at him for no reason. I never remembered any of it because I would black out while I did it. He never hit me at first but after a while he would get so frustrated with my outbursts that he would actually picked me up and slam me into walls. We started to fight so extremely that we would end up with black eyes, bloody noses, and torn clothes. Most of it was him hurting me now as I cowered down. My grades dropped rapidly. I used to get straight A's and now my report card said I was failing 4 classes! I cried every single night and had nightmares everynight. I would flip out on Tommy at least once a week and Kevin was all I would ever talk about to anyone. It drove Tommy and my entire group of friend's crazy. I was starving and cutting myself when the pain and pressure built up. I had to get some help.

On September 12, Tommy finally talked me into telling someone what happened. At lunch I walked into Mrs. Suri's class with Tommy. He had already told her about it but she wanted to hear it from me. I cried and cried as I told my story again. She held me for while and told me everything would be ok. For once someone besides Tommy cared for me. She convinced me to tell a councilor in the office and the only one that was available was Mrs. Olvera. I hated talking to her. She even had the nerve to tell me it was my fault because I let him in! By the time I had been moved up to the office I had already talked to every councilor at school. They all knew my story thanks to Mrs. Olvera. Now it was time to tell the vice-principal and the police.

Tommy held my hand the entire time and the only time I would cry was when they would all leave the room. After talking to Mrs. Suri, every councilor, the vice-principal, and two different groups of police (Oakley and Brentwood) I was finally able to go home and try to tell my parents. It had been almost three or four hours! When I got home I did my chores and went straight to Toms like I usually do. I didn't want to see my family right now. I just couldn't tell them. After dinner at Tommy's he told his parents what happened. They really didn't have much to say. I mean what can you say when someone tells you something like this? After dinner he had me call my mom. She was not happy at all. It wasn't like "oh my God... poor baby... I'm so sorry" it was more like "why the hell did you go and tell the police? It's too late to do anything now anyway! You have no evidence! That was stupid of you!" There I was after going that entire day crying and telling my story to the world, when I finally tell it to the one

I love most, the one that should care the most, the one that I needed the most support from, I was being shot down. It was as if I should have kept my mouth shut, never said a word, act like I'm ok when I know I'm not. All I wanted was for someone to believe me and help me. But it looked like I couldn't get that from anyone, not even my own family.

After I told the police they called me a few times to question me about a few things Kevin had said. At first he denied the whole thing saying he had never even met me before, then he changed his story saying he knew me but we never dated, then he admitted to dating me for a while but that was all, then he changed it again and admitted to sleeping with me but that it was consensual. LIAR!! Then from what the police told my mom he made it sound like I was the one on top! He may have been talking about the time when I sat on him as we experimented with foreplay. That was the only time I was "on top" but there was no consensual sex involved!

Well, nothing ever happened after that. It's as if the police lost my report. I told them I wanted to press charges and nothing came of it. They wouldn't even let me get a restraining order because we had classes next to each other and they said they couldn't help it if he comes near me. I think it's a bunch of B.S. but what could I do? I know of tons of other girls he's hurt. A lot of them are my friends now... one of them is his own younger sister but she doesn't want to come forward because she fears what will happen to her and her family. Only I and a few girls in my counseling group know about it and were trying to help her. All of the other girls he's hurt have told me they don't want to confront the law because they know nothing will happen. And you know what? They are right. The police even have previous reports of assaults that Kevin did to other girls. So why is he still out and free to hurt more? I will never understand it.

Four hard years have passed since that night and there will be many more. I still think about it everyday. Some days its all day long. Its like it controls me, controls my every move. It's as if my life revolves around him. I hate and fear being out in public now because of the fact that he could be anywhere I turn. As for the self-harm, that has stopped. Tommy and I broke up about a month after our one year anniversary because of the physical abuse we were giving each other. I started dating Joshua, (a great guy I have known for 7 years) whom of which I am now married too. He helped my realize that hurting myself wont make me feel any better about what happened and that there are other ways of releasing my anger. Now I do art or music of Kevin and show it off. I still have mild insomnia. I can't even think about bed until after 2 am. It's as if I wont let myself sleep until I know he wont come back. I will never forget him. And even though the pain may subside it will never fully go away. It will always be in the back of my mind. It's one of my most vivid memories yet at the same time it's the one that I want to forget the most! Life can be funny that way. Right now it's time to try to move on. I need to stop letting him get to me. I need more sleep and to start getting out more often. I need to focus on myself and where my life is heading. One good thing I know is that Kevin wont be in that life. I know that this has made me stronger and has possibly taught me a few things. With the love of Joshua, my family, and my friends I will prevail. Kevin will not win. He may have gotten what he wanted back then but he wont get me in the end!

~ Tia ~

.i..{`;´}..i. ---> "Fuck you Kevin!!"

I was a victim of rape... again... on June 1st, 2002. Here is what I have to say about what I went through. Thank you for taking the time to listen.

I opened the door before I looked to see who it was. It was Tommy E********. A peculiar pause came over me. I shouldn't let him in, but now he knew I was home because he was standing face to face with me. We hadn't seen each other in almost a year. How did he know I was here? How did he find me? "Um come in..." Shut and lock door... That's what I should have done in the first place... "Hi..." Pause "What are you doing around here?" I asked. "Not much, just thought I'd stop by and see how your doing." He replied. "Oh..." Awkward moment again. I walked over to the couch and told him he could sit down so we could talk. He sat beside me in silence... Then hastily asked me why I gave up on "us". I told him that I just didn't see us going anywhere and wanted to adventure out into life before settling down. Then he had to remind me that I did settle down as he pointed to the ring on my finger. Then, trying to get off the topic, I shot back reminding him that we were once engaged too and look how that turned out! He then brought up the fact that in less than a year he and I would have been "happily" married. I got up and walked towards the kitchen. Looked in the fridge... looked in the freezer... not really looking for anything, just wanting to get off the topic. Sigh... no such luck... I sat back down not really listening to his anger drawn words. He started crying and caught my attention again. What now I thought? He was sobbing something incomprehensible about how he still loved me and missed me and missed my touch and on and on and on... I felt sorry for him for an instant. I leaned in and told him that everything would be ok and that perhaps we could be friends. Maybe he could sense I was lying... I wanted nothing to do with him anymore... he looked up at me and leaned in to kiss me. What was he doing? I was with Josh and he was with Buffy!! Pushing him away, I stood up and told him "I think you should go now". He gave me a look that sent chills down my body as I walked him to the door. He walked out without saying a word. I started to shut the door as it unexpectedly came flying back at me and hit me in the face. I was stunned at first not noticing he slammed the door shut, locked and bolted it, until it was to late. Screaming at me things that I can't fully recall he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me around making me nauseous. I remember a lot of "Whys?" and "How could yous?"... I started crying out of confusion as he attempted to drag my stumbling body towards the bedroom. I told him he HAD to go NOW and he hit me. Next thing I knew we where in the bedroom with the door shut and locked. I was pinned against the closet door by my shoulders with his face screaming into mine. I started screaming back and he hit me again. After catching my breath I started pleading with him to stop and to let me go. He refused, saying I ruined his life. I tried to squirm and push him off of me kicking him in the process. That was a bad idea!! After slamming my head and upper body into the closet a few times he picked me up and threw me on the bed pinning me harder against the sheets. I shuddered and sobbed and pleaded. "Please no please! You cant do this! Tom please!" He stopped fighting me for a second and I thought I may have talked some sense into him... I mean he was there through the whole Kevin thing! He knows this is wrong!! He just closed his eyes real tight and forced his body weight back onto my shoulders and chest with his knee. I screamed and winced from the pain and pressure. He lifted my dress up to my waist and tore my underwear off. I started kicking and screaming. He turned around and slapped me and covered my face with a pillow. I couldn't breath beneath the weight of his body on top of the pillow covering my face. I could feel his hands rushing all over my body, running up my thighs, my hips, my stomach, my torso only to turn back down and up again... he had to have been sitting on my face. Things started to blur and dull... I needed air... I stopped struggling as I could feel him climb off the pillow. I gasped for air as he undid his pants. I pushed the pillow away but before I could jump up he had me pinned again. This time he was between my thighs. I started hitting him with fists and he grabbed my writs squeezing them as tightly as he could and pinning them above my head. I started screaming... someone had to hear me! He let go of my wrists and hit me again. I couldn't breath I was sobbing so hard. He laid his body weight on top of me... had a hand on my wrists and other over my mouth. Using my wrists and his legs he pushed himself into me. I was screaming into his hands... I squeezed around him as tightly as I could with my thighs but it was no use. He violated me so hard and so fast that I can hardly remember any of it. He came inside of me as I screamed, muffled by his hand, over and over again for him to stop... Slowing his pace he released the pressure on my wrists and mouth. He stopped. I stopped. The whole world seemed to stop. Then he was up off of me zipping his pants and walking toward the door. I laid there. He slammed it shut. I laid there. A minute passed. I laid there. An hour passed and still I laid there. Shock? Dismay? Trauma? Horrifying... all of the above... I finally got up after an hour and crawled to the shower. The pain was unbearable. I cried until the hot water turned warm and the warm water turned cold. I cried in a ball until the cold water stung. I couldn't move, couldn't think. Was I dead? Dreaming? I wish I were. I pulled myself together iced the marks that eventually turned to bruises and cleaned house. Never told Josh. Or anyone else.

~ Tia ~

i was in gr 6 at the time, i was kinda big into party'n with all those older guys, which i can now say was a very bad idea. i wasn't the one who would normally drink, my friend would, i tought it was wrong considering i was like 12 and my friend was 11 so u understand y. this would be the first time i ever drank and i just happen to be hit with the date rape drug. eveything started getting really funny so i kept drinking, then i could barely see straight let alone walk. i met this guy who said he was going to help me, i was really scared and decided to trust him. this guy would have ot be over the age of 16 at that time becasue he took me to his car. he said he was going to drive me home. he put me in teh car then got in on top of me. i diddn't know what was goinging on, at this point i could barely move on my own. he started toughing me in ways i didn't like, then he got forceful, and pulled off my pants and the i felt great pressure than emense pain. it felt like foever that this went on then he said he loved my and redressed me. i hurt but i was numb, alone and violated. he took me back to my friend and then i remember waking up the next morning on the floor in her bedroom soaked in blood. she asked my what happened, my head hurt and i was confussed, i didn't know if i should tell her, so i told he i just got my first period. she was proud of me. i felt ashamed that i couldn't tell my friend. i'm 17 now and my parents only just found out over a year ago and my friends a little before that. i currently have a bf that things are really working with and he asked me if anything had ever happened to me in the past that may affect our relationship so i told him with no hesitaions, just a few tears, i don't know if this means i'm getting over it or not, but it felt good for once to tell someone. i hope that if anyone is having douts about telling they shouldn't. even if they said they will hurt you you tell you will be safe if you go to th right place for help. good luck to everyone.

-Elyse

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