Laura's Story
i know this is long, but its my story of my survival.
I am 17 years old now, and I was only 12 when I was raped.
i live in australia. a place i thought i would be safe in.
I had dated the guy for a few months, he was great. Nice, melow, easy to please, cool... I was still a virgin...naturally. i dont think i had eve had a kiss before this guy, i know i'd never had a boyfriend before. how could i have, i went to an all girls school, and im not a overly thin, blue-eyed, blonde haired girl. im more the opposite. i was over the moon when this guy asked me out! me! laura! i had a boyfriend... he like me, he chose me, he wanted me. little did i know that this guy would soon ruin my life.
we were dating for about 5 months, and during this time he seemed fine, no hint of violence or anything like that. i have 4 older brothers so i guess i know what to look out for, i was also able to take care of myself if needed to, im fairly strong, however strength doesnt exist when u're being raped. u're much too scared and worried.
now im one to keep my life to myself. i never told anyone about him (jayson). i dont know why, i guess it was more fun being a secret, and it also meant there were less questions to answer to.
i always lied to my family, and my friends just so i could be with him. id tell my parents i was out with some mates, and i told my mates i wasnt able to go out with them until later in the night. i was never caught, i wish i had been now though. his parents owned a deli about 30 minutes from him house, and he lived close to me, i went there all the time. his parents worked at the deli till all hours of the morning. i think the earliest they ever came home was about 3am, even then only the mother would come home and the father would stay at the deli while the mother had a couple of hours sleep. we were always alone. it was great to begin with.
he didnt pressure me for sex or anything like that. he didnt even mention it. i never gave him oral sex, however he did give me oral sex. id give him hand jobs, nothing too serious. i wasnt prepared to give him oral sex, i was only in year 7, still primary school.
he was 2 years older then me. that made it even more exciting, i was dating an older guy.
one friday night, i went back to his house after school, like i always did. we would meet up in town, and walk to his place. i'd done it so many time before this, i never thought this would be any different.
we were in his bedroom, i was checking my emails on his computer, it was like routine. he came back into his room and grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bed. i wasnt scared yet, why should i have been, he was my boyfriend, we were allowed to fool around on his bed, and we had before. he began to unbutton the shirt on my uniform, i let him. he felt me up and down, and we kissed passionately.
then suddenly he began to unbutton his pants and take his belt off. this is when i started to panic. he was so strong, i tried to pull away, and at first he let me, we sat up, and i told him that i didnt want have sex yet, i wanted to wait. he said that was ok, and that he understood, and he continued kissing me on my neck, so i lay back down on the bed. he took his shirt off, and he completely removed mine. he reached for his belt again, and took it off entirely. i thought he was just getting it out of the way, as it was pushing into me and hurting me, and probably him. then he began to take his pants off again, and i tried so hard to sit up. i couldnt move under him though. i was paralysed.
fear went through my veins. i couldnt breathe. i couldnt move. i couldnt think. i couldnt talk. i couldnt scream. i couldnt make myself to do anything that will prevent him from doing what he was about to do. i was so scared.
he tied my arms around the bed posts so if i moved my entire arm would be in pain. i had no way of getting away from him. i kicked my legs as hard as i could, but that just made him angrier, and caused him to punch me for what seemed hours. he punched me in my eye and i felt a split just above my eye-brow then blood began to fall down my face and cloud my vision, yet he still continued to hit me. he used one of the bed sheets to tie my feet together, and he then tucked that under the feet of the bed, i was pinned down and completely defenceless against him. he raped me vigorously 5 times that night. he'd rape me once and then he would rest while having a conversation with me, like nothing was happening. he would talk to me about my weekend and what i was going to do. i couldnt and wouldnt say anything to him. then he'd start raping me again.
i was shivering so much. my body was numb and cold and bruised. my eye continued to bleed. the blood was so warm against my head, it became sticky, i thought he was going to kill me. i didnt know this guy, he wasnt who he was the day before. i only wish i had told someone where i was. no one knew a thing!
after the 5th time he went to the kitchen to eat something. little did he know that the sheet that had my feet tied down had come undone. and one of my hands was loose enough for me to undo the other one. there was nothing else on my mind, but run. get out of there. LIVE... i grabbed the bed sheet rapped it around me and ran as fast as i could. my legs were so weak. all jelly-like. i was in so much pain, but i knew that i had to run. i didnt stop. i went straight through the front door and ran away. jayson didnt dare follow me he couldnt, he was naked and his neighbours would have seen him, and realised what was happening.
i ran for ages, turning every corner to get as far away as possible. then i blacked out. there in the middle of the street, at night, with only a bed sheet rapped around me. i was bleeding so badly from my head and between my legs.
i had no idea how long i'd blacked out for. when i woke up i was so drained. i couldnt stand. i just lay there. when i got the strength, i got up slowly and walked to a st. john shed and got some clothes. i looked like a kid off the streets, no one cared who i was, or how bad and beaten i looked. i put the clothes on, went to a public toilet and washed my face and all the blood off my legs.
i couldnt go home, i was too ashamed of myself, so i caught the train, alone, at night, to my friends house where i was supposed to be, and i acted like nothing had happened. they had just come back from a movie and i told them i didnt go coz i'd already seen it and that i had soccer training (my excuse for all my bruises). they questioned my bleeding eye, my answer: at soccer training i hit heads with another girl and split the top of my eye. they believed me, why wouldnt they, it was very believable. my ckeeks were all red from being hit so many times, my nose was broken too. i blamed all my injuries on soccer, and no one questioned it at all. it was so difficult for me not to tell them what had happened! i couldnt though, i thought they would judge me, i though they would think less of me, they wouldnt want to know me anymore and they would blame me for what happened. more importantly, i was so embarrassed. i think it was because i had been violated in the worst way possible and i couldnt do anything to stop it from happening. i was weak and worthless, i felt i couldnt take care of myself.
that night i cried so hard, but so quietly. i was in the same room as my friends, i couldnt cry as loud as i needed to, i would wake them, and following that would be questions and answers. i bled so much that night. the bed shet was so red. it was dark, and every puddle of blood was just a horrible memory. i wish jayson had killed me.
the next day when i went home my parents asked me why i was so beaten up... my excuse, "i fell down the stairs in the movie theatre really badly", they believed me. no one questioned anything i told them. they had no idea what had happened to me, and i was screaming out so loud. but i thought i could never tell them.
a few months after jayson rapped me the 1st time, he moved in to the same street as me. it was only 4 or so houses down from me. my worst nightmare AGAIN came true. for 5 years of my life jayson bashed me, raped me constantly, stalked me and killed me on the inside more and more. i had no escape. eveytime i was home alone he knew, he was always there watching. he would bang on my walls, windows, doors for hours. he screamed at me to let him in. my luck got worse when we started doing renovations to our house. we had to back door. there was nothing there, it was wide open. jayson was free to walk into my house and torment me even more. he broke my nose and so many of my ribs. he cut me with knives, scissors. he beat me so much. he burnt cigarettes on me, and kicked me when i was down. he nearly broke my back. yet i never said anything to anyone. i thought they could never do anything. they could never help me.
i should have gone to the cops, but then everyone would know. and i couldnt do that to my family, and dont think i could cope with it.
for 5 years and still to this day, i havent told a single soul about what happened to me and what is still happening to me. i dealt with it myself. i tried committing suicide about 20 times, but my mate always found me and i got my stomach pumped. this isnt the way to deal with it. i wish i had told someone, but i didnt, and im not going to now.
this is the 1st time i've re-told my story to anyone. i cant say the word rape... i can barely type it. when someone mentions the word rape or anything to do with it, i cry so hard, yet so quietly. i cant watch sex scenes in movies, to many memories. i cant let a male touch me, not even my brothers or my father. my stomach tightens so much when a guy is approaching me. i sweat, i get so nervous and i go into 'fight-or-flight' mode immediately.
not too long ago i had a boyfriend. it was a break-through for me. my 1st boyfriend since it happened. we went out for a month, and i couldnt kiss him, i couldnt hold his hand, i couldnt hug him. he broke up with me coz he thought i didnt like him. i couldnt tell him why i was acting how i was.
the time i was rapped my jayson is the 1st thing on my mind in the morning, and the last thing on my mind at night time. i hate being alone in my house, but i am. in 3 weeks i am sitting my end of school exams... my year 12 end of year exams, and i dont know how im going to do. it is so difficult to study, just to sit quietly and not cry is so hard. these exams are the most important things in my life, they will allow me to get away from this place. away from my nightmare.
even though im not coping all that well, i am a survivor. im still alive. if i quit living jayson has won. if i kill myself coz of him, he wins. to this, its only a game, he's enjoying himself, and me atill breathing today in a way is defeating him and he hates it. i am so emotionally strong from this. i can cope with anything coz i cope with my rapes in public and not break-down.
my advice to people who are victims of rape... tell someone. whether its a cousellor, a priest, a close friend or a parent or family member. tell someone. coz all they'll do is give you great advice u'll want and need. you dont need to go through this alone. no one should!
DEFEAT THEM... LIVE. SURVIVE. BREATHE FOREVER!
-Laura. Australia.
Anonymous's Story
i was only 14 when i first had a steady relationship.. that man was everything i want in my dream one.. he wasn't exactly a bad boy, neither do i noe what it was that attracted me to him.. we had a few dates before we got together.. everything was so sweet at first.. we were both lovey dovey, i knew he loved me more than i loved him..
i think i start to take him for granted.. being in the same school as him, he would always wait for my classes to be over (mine end much later than his) before he would accompany me home.. we live a few blocks from each other so it was pretty convenient. he's just everything nice and sweet everyone thought we were the most perfect couple in our school..
i have mood swings usually and he was always there to tolerate and even tried to cheer me up.. i know i love him very much, but being the first time in love, i have the habit of bottling things up in my heart than telling him what i feel.. mushy words from me to him like i love u, i miss u are very rare... i guess that was what hurt him..
towards the end of the second month we were together, he would start to bring me to secluded spots in our neighbourhood n he'd start to get 'naughty'.. i felt very afraid because he would start touching my whole body. He started feeling my breasts first, follow by my lower parts.. as i've said, i kept everything to myself.. i didn't tell anyone because i'm afraid they might not believe me. My mom worshipped him, partly because he came from a broken family and she tried to be motherly towards him. She'd side him instead of me.
One day, he confronted me and told me how he felt.. he said he felt very hurt with the way i treat him. he knew i love him but he didn't like the way i treat him.. so i told myself to change and start treating him super good. From that day onwards, his attitude towards me totally change for the worse, while mine towards him changed for the better. I didn't understand, so i asked him why. He replied, "I'm treating u how u treated me last time, to let u get a taste of your own medicine." I was very much taken aback by his words, but i thought i might change him by loving him even more. I was wrong.
The sexual abuse started from then. Whenever we meet, he'd always want to get naughty. He didn't care how i feel at all. He would start with a wet kiss, and then he would start touching me everywhere. because i did not dare to speak out, he got bolder and he started to finger me. It hurt at first, n i was trying my best not to scream. I didn't want to make him angry, so i went along with everything. Big mistake. We began doing these filthy things in public secluded areas, and finally his house. I didn't know how to reject him because he'd get angry very easily, so each time he called me to go over to his house, i know i was going to be his sex slave. in his house, he'd take off my clothes and his as well, and start abusing me. He never had intercourse with me, thankfully, but he made me perform oral sex on him. the feeling sucks, but i had to act as though i love it. Everytime i left his house i'd run home to have a hot shower, and i'd blame myself for being so stupid.
About the fourth month of our relationship, he told me he wanted to have sex with me when we turn 16. He said by doing all these, it shows that i really love him. I believed, i actually do, i thought by doing all these he'd stay by my side forever. I made the biggest mistake in my life. After i said yes, he raped me the very next day.
I didn't expect it of course. I thought things were going to be as 'normal' as the previous ones.. but he got so horny, he jus went on top of me and shoved his penis right inside me. i thought he was fingering me at first, but when both his arms wrapped around my head, i realised he was f**king me. I screamed at him to stop but he bent to kiss me to prevent me from shouting. i felt a little pain, but i was too confused, too scared to feel anymore else.
When he was done, he told me he didn't penetrate through, n he claimed it wasn't his fault, he's jus too naughty.
I wished I wouldn't go to his house again, but he jus make me. He would press me to come, n in the end i'd give in. Everytime i go his house i come out hurting down there. He used a condom, thank god.. but i was so sad, i lost my virginity to him without my consent. He watched porn, so he expect me to act the way those pornstars would to him. He said he want to have a super extreme sex life with me, he psychoed me into everything, he made me think like a sex slave, he demoralised me, he took all my pride and dignity away. I felt so dirty and slutty. Apart from sexually abusing me, he abused me emotionally as well. In our 13months of relationship, we broke up at least 12 times, and he initiated all of them. After that, i'd probably be the one begging for him to come back, because i thought i loved him so much i couldn't live without him. each time we patch up we'd have sex. I don't like the way we do it. Then, i confronted him. i told him i don't want any sex, and if he really want to do it, tell me first, so i could have the chance to prevent it. His reply was, "If i tell u i want to do it, would u let me?" his words left me even more scared. He even admitted that he had raped me. but as a girlfriend i must accept what he do to me. As his girlfriend i must obey everything he said. I felt like those afghanistan women living in hell with their abusive husbands.
Then the abuse got even worse. he seemed to like it when i'm in pain. He knew i felt uneasy about anal sex and although he didn't penetrate in, he used his fingers n stuff them inside my anus. it hurt like hell, n he would laugh when i scream. he would grip my hands together, pin me down, finger me hard and bite my breasts until i couldn't take it anymore. They would always be sore and bruised after he left. And i would wish i were dead. He would force me to go down on him, hold my head n make me suck his penis.. when i gag, he'd frown, said that i'm a bad sucker. He wanted me to be his pornstar, his very own one, he said i'd get his love in return for being his pornstar.. i never felt any love from him. he not only abuse me sexually n emotionally, but physically too. He would slap me, kick me, punch me.. he wouldnt realise how much his strength is.. i had bruises and blue-blacks on my arms. I felt so stupid i resorted to self-mutilation. I start to cut myself, my wrists whenever we have fights or whenever he hurt me. when my blood flow from my wrist, i'd wish it wuld flow forever, ending my sorrows and bring me to hell or heaven, just away from him. he called me stupid for cutting myself, instead of consoling me. My self-mutilation problem was discovered in school when my teacher found me slashing my wrist with a penknife. my parents were immediately informed but i escaped with a lie that i was too stressed up in school. If they found out about my real situation, i think i'd rather die. Being unchaste before marriage in my country is totally unmoral and people would look down on u. They bought the story though, he never knew about this.
Then we broke up for the last time. He asked to break of course. I went berserk for a whole week, crying to sleep every night, thinking why i gave myself to this horrid bastard. he took away my chastity, my dignity, my self-esteem.. everything... he's still in my school n i face him everyday.. it's been 2 months since we broke up, but the scars remain. the memories still traumatise and haunt me every night. I stopped cutting myself but i still feel very hurt.. i'm recovering though. currently i'm liking this boy but i've never got the courage to face him because i'm still affected by that nightmare. I think i'm not worthy of him at all. I feel so regretful. I wish u girls outthere will never get to meet such a man like him. if u do, pls ditch him immediately. never believe some guy who claim that he would love u if u give him sex. it's never the truth. take care.
-Anonymous
Sara's Story
Hi, my name is Sara and I'm 16 years old. About 2 years ago.. i was raped..here is my story.
In the beginning of the 8th grade I was very popular... I had everything going for me. I was the captain of the cheerleading team, getting straight A's, in all the clubs, had great friends, and a great family who supported me through everything i did. Well...one night.. i had been at a party and it was really early about 6:00 and this boy and his girlfriend were having sex on the couch. I became quite jealous for some stupid reason and decided i wanted to lose my virginity at age 14. I went to my boyfriend and he said he wasnt ready. I became distubred by this and started to think maybe it was me... Well i had broken up with him and decided to find myself another mate..just to make me feel better and feel more confident.
A few days after i had broken up with my boyfriend.. me and some of my girlfriends had went out to the movies. There had been an older guy there that i always thought was really cute and i knew he thought i was cute too. That night (knowing i was going to see him) i dressed real sexy... i remember i had a short jean skirt and a small shirt that had showed my belly button ring. Of course my mom didnt know because i said i was sleeping over a friends house. As we went over to the movies i saw the guy and saw him staring at me. This of course made me very happy. I felt like i was confident enough to go talk to him. I told my girlfriends to wait there because i would be right back. Luckily enough when i had went over there it was his break time. The movies was very crouded so he told me that we could talk in a less noisy place. I thought nothing of it and willingly followed him in. As we enter the room..I didnt know my life was about to change forever. It was a small room with nothing but a couch and a coke machine. I sat on the couch in a "sexy" way wanting him to want me. Little did i know... this man was sick
I had known (ill call him john)for a very long time. I had met him at that very same movie theatre when i was 13 and we had always talked. He seemed like a very cool and sweet guy and i trusted him. He would often sneak me and my girlfriends in R rated movies and i liked him alot. He was very "hott" and all of my girlfriends had liked him..so i thought i was very lucky to be in that small room with him.
Well as i was sitting on the couch he got 2 cokes and came over and sat next to me. He looked at me and said i was the prettiest girl he ever saw. He said that i had beautiful eyes and starting kissing me on my neck. Now at 14 i had never had sex before but i had "groped" and "made out" so i went along with his kisses and we starting to kiss on the lips.. i remember he had shoved his tongue in my mouth really hard and i was a little thrown off by this.. i stopped and said i had to get back to my girlfriends. As i walked towards the door he quickly ran infront of me and told me i wanst going anywhere. I told him to f*ck off and he took my arms and pushed me against the wall. Angry now and a little scared i had pushed him hard and he got frustrated...he ripped off my shirt and pushed me on the floor and grabbed my skirt and took it off.. I didnt sit there and let him do this.. i tried to fight him off but he was 5 years older than me and i had no chance. He took off all my clothes and i was naked on the floor now. He started to choress my breasts and just kiss me and hold me down on the floor. I screamed but no1 heard me. He then turned me over (face on the ground now) and started to put his penis in me anally. There was so much pain i couldnt do anything but sit there.. i was shocked...paralyzes temporarily.. i never ever thought this could happen to me. He had finished after a good 10 minutes and helped me up gentally. He put my clothes back on becasue i wouldnt move or speak..he then wiped the blood off my legs with his undershirt and he told me if i told he would rape my sister who was only 12. The minute he realeased me i ran to the securtiy gaurd outside the building.. and told them what had happened.. I was not stupid and did not hesitate one minute to tell. I was scared..very terrified but the realism of what had happened had not really hit me yet and instinct told me to tell.. We pushed charges and he was sentenced to 8 years in jail for junior rape.
After the ordeal i was changed.. i percieved everyhthing as different but my family and friends were with me the whole time.. I wasn't depressed as most girls and i did learn to trust again within the next year.. I got over it..and I am just as happy now as when i was before the rape...I am a survivor and i think anyone can make it.
-Sara
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