Survivor Stories

Nikki's Story

My husband and I were married for 4 years and were having serious problems. I stayed at home with our son while he worked during the daytime. We were living in my grandmother's home at the time. There were times that my husband did not come home for the entire night, and his work hours were supposedly early during the daytime. He had a close friend "M" that he had known for almost 10 years. His friend "M" would call during the daytime and ask to speak to him. Sometimes we would just start talking on the phone. He would ask me if I needed anything, and if I was okay. I was severely depressed alot and didn't leave the house much. He offered to pick me up and take me for a drive to get my mind off of things. My grandmother watched my son while he picked me up in his car. We went to the store and he bought diapers for my son. Then we went to a really nice park that was miles and miles away. He was respectful, and I began to trust him more and more. He started telling me that I was beautiful and that my husband was taking me for granted. He also began to tell me how my husband was having affairs on me. I was devastated and became even more depressed. My husband and I begand to argue more and more, and he came home less and less. Then one day "M" picked me up. I was crying and very depressed. He got some beer at the store and told me to drink it so that I would feel a little bit better. Then he said we were going to go to the park and talk. I noticed on this particular day, he drove to his house. I didn't understand why we were at his house. He told me that he needed to get something from his brothers room. He told me to come in that it may take some time. I followed him in the house. I think his parents or someone was home, I could hear them upstairs talking and moving around. His room was in the basement. He told me to wait in his room for him for a minute. I didn't think anything of it...I felt like I could trust him. I sat on a chair in his bedroom and sipped down the beer. I remember just sipping more and more. My head was all jumbled up with so many things, I couldn't think straight. I remember he came back and offered me some pot. I took it. We smoked a bit. Then I asked him if we could leave. He asked me if I could move from the chair because I was sitting on his jacket with sunglasses in the pocket. I stood up and he sat in the chair. I thought that was weird. He then asked me to sit on the bed, as he sat in the chair. I sat on the very edge of the bed wondering why this was feeling so weird. I kept asking him when we were going to leave. He got up and went to his door, and locked it. My heart started beating so fast, I didn't understand why he was locking his door. He then went over to his dresser and turned on the radio. It was on some alternative rock station, and the music was blasting really loud. I started feeling really nervous and just sat there stiff as a board. He sat down next to me and asked me what I was thinking. I told him that I was nervous and wanted to go home. He then grabbed my shoulders and shoved me hard back on his bed. He was kissing my mouth and I felt like I could not breath. I told him,"This isn't right. Please stop" Because it didn't feel right and I wanted to go home. He kept kissing my mouth and completely ignoring me. I tried to pull away, and push him off me. His hands were really strong and he pinned me down on his bed until I could not move. I kept begging him to please stop, and he started squeezing my body really tight. Everytime I fought to get away, he would squeeze me very tight with his arms and hands until it really hurt. I started crying and he whispered for me to shut up. I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare, and couldn't wake up. I remember there was some sharp banging on the bedroom door. He whispered for me not to move, it was in a threatening tone. he then got up and went to the door, cracking it a bit. I couldn't make out who it was really, and I couldn't really hear the voice of the person talking..the music was too loud. I kept trying to get up to get to the patio door to unlock it. I kept thinking I would run outside and to the gas station and then from there at least I would think of what to do next. Unfortunately, I couldn't move at all. My body felt heavier than lead. He locked the door back and came back over to me. I tried to kick and hit him, but he managed to pin me on my back again. He told me to stop fighting him because I was only playing games. He said, "You have wanted me all this time, and now your pretending that its not so" I wasn't playing games. I had really thought I could trust him, and never thought he would do something like that. I saw that I could not get away from him, I begged him to please use a condom. He refused to and told me that I had no choice in any of it. He ended up raping me in his bed. At first I was crying and hadn't given up trying to fight him off. Eventually I stopped fighting because it did no good. he was so much taller and stronger than me. I was 5'5 125 pounds, and he was 6ft and lean muscular build with so much strength. Afterwards he kept asking me if his penis was bigger than my husbands. I remember crying and didn't want to talk to him about anything. He squeezed my breasts and nipples really hard until they hurt really bad and told me that I had better answer his questions or he would continue to hurt me. I felt humiliated and was in pain. I told him yes. He smiled and seemed happy or something. He told me to hurry up and get dressed. I struggled to put my clothes on and it was very difficult for me. My hands were trembling so bad that I could barely dress myself. I got dressed and then he grabbed me by my hair and flung me on the bed again. He got in my ear and said in a scary voice that I had better not tell anyone about what happened because noone will ever believe my story. Then he started kissing my mouth again, and telling me how beatiful he thought I was. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I can't remember how I got in the car, but he said he was going to take me home now. In the car I remember crying uncontrollably. He was getting more and more angry too. He told me that I had better shut up or he was going to pull over and do me again. I kept trying not to throw up, my stomach was really hurting. He dropped me off in front of my grandmothers house and he warned me that I had better not tell anyone. When I got inside I took a shower because I felt so dirty. One shower wasn't enough. Two showers weren't enough. I felt like I couldn't wash the feeling away, and I just kept crying and crying...and then I began to feel numb all over and just found myself staring into space, lying in bed. I stayed in bed for weeks and weeks. My husband started asking me what was wrong. I couldn't tell him or anyone else. I became pregnant a month later...I started wondering if the child was going to come out biracial, or hispanic. My husband and and were both hispanic, and "M" was caucasian with blonde hair and blue eyes. When my son was born, he came out with blue eyes and light hair. So it was really a dead giveway that something was not right with the picture. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through. I still can't trust anyone. I feel like everyone is after something when they behave friendly. It feels like everyone is out to hurt and destroy me. I can't trust men anymore. I have been going to counseling, and it has been encouraging. But I still feel so sad and pissed off most of the time. I can't be in the same room with a male doctor or even in an elevator with a man. My husband and I ended up divorcing. Things just went further and further downhill. Rape ruins lives completely.

-Nikki Gomez

SpecialK's Story

I was born 6/1979 the six of seven children and was locked in an apartment by my mother and left alone with 2 older siblings at age 1 1/2. I spent several years in foster care and was adopted by a family i hoped was nice. Her husband molested me from age 8 to 16. I became pregnant by him at 15 years old and he took me to have a abortion - i never told anyone until i was 21- the detective told me there was nothing i could do about it because it had been to long sense anything happened and until another child came forward it was just to bad. They homeschooled me and i wasnt allowed to go anywhere without them - i was to afraid and ashamed to tell anyone when i did have oppurtunitys to say anything. i am stuck between trying to work through what happened and not wanting to let it go. It like its my entire life and yet i want to shove the issue away but can't. All my friends are out getting married and i am still to afraid to go on a date with a guy because i am afraid he might do something to me. I just feel so all alone.

-Special K

Marie's Story

My first memory of being sexually assaulted I was around five and a half years old. We were in the living room watching T.V. it was kind of cold and my oldest brother asked me if I wanted to get under the blanket with him to watch TV so I did and as soon as I was under the blanket with him he put his hand in my panties and started fondling me. I wasn’t there to long and my mother started yelling for me to get up and when I got up she spanked my butt. To me this showed Darriel hey I can do this and not get into any trouble, because I was the one to get my butt spanked. I was around seven and he came to my room and got on the bed with me and started talking about when I get old enough he wanted to marry me and then he put my hand on his penis and put his hand on my private. He wasn’t in there to long until my mother came in and of course he wasn’t touching me anymore, but again she made him leave the room and she spanked my butt for him being in my room with me. I just don’t get it at all. When he was on the phone with someone and I walked in the kitchen to get something to drink he would wrap the phone cord around me and back me into the corner and put his fingers up inside me. Then he would say please come to my room and I would tell him NO. He would fondle me on and off for about six years. He probably would have done it every day but in those six years he was in and out of jail and hospitals for drugs and stealing. Mama would always get him out of trouble and out of jail. I had a cousin to start fondling me when I was around nine. I hated every time we went to their house and that they would come to our house and when they would go to my grandparents house the same time that we would. When I reached the age of eleven that is when it really got worse. I can’t remember who came first my cousin or Darriel both were J.A.’s. Darriel raped me twice in this year. The first time he raped me Paul and I had just got home from school and he came to me and ask me to come to his room and me being trusting I went to see what he wanted and then he locked his door and then he asked me if I had any hair on my private. I said I don’t know and then he said can I see, I said NO! Then he pushed me down on his bed pulled my underwear off and unzipped his pants and got on top of me. He stayed on top of me for about 30 minutes. I could not do anything. I couldn’t breath. I felt like I was dieing. Paul started looking for me and Darriel told me to go out the back door and tell him that I had been outside. He threatened me to keep me from telling on him. He told me if I told anyone that I would get into trouble and get took away from mama and daddy and that they would lock me up. He said they will lock me up to. I believed him and was really scared to say anything in fear that I would get taken away from mama and daddy. The second time he raped me I had just got home from school and I was by myself. He told me he had to show me something and I was so stupid to trust him after the first time he tricked me, but I went to his room to see what he wanted to show me and again he locked his door and I got scared. He then pulled out a pornographic magazine and made me look at the pictures in it. Then he pushed me down on his bed. He went inside me once and then he pulled out and put spit on his penis and then he went back in. I was so scared. I was trying to push him off of me but I couldn’t. I was crying. I couldn’t breath. He was smothering me. I told him he was hurting me and he told me don’t say anything. When he got through he got up and wiped his penis off on a towel and told me to get up and go clean myself up. He had busted me open and I was so scared when I went to the bathroom and found out I was bleeding. I thought I was going to die. It took along time to get the bleeding to stop. Sandra showed up when I was in the bathroom cleaning myself up and Darriel left with her. Darriel tried for a third time in this year he had already planed this because I was alone. Mama and daddy were out of town and Paul and I stayed with my sister Wanda. I went home to get some M&M’s to share with my friend Malinda and when I got in the house he went and locked all the doors and came up behind me and was trying to fondle me and he was trying to force me in his room. I knew I couldn’t take this again from him I was able to push him down in to some things next to his room and then I ran to my sisters house. He was right behind me to make sure I didn’t tell on him. I was so shook up that I went to my nieces room and laid down on her bed and I could hear him ask my sister where is Marie and she told him I was laying down and then he went back home. My cousin Hal Wilson would back me into corners and fondle me every time that we either went to their house or that they would come to our house and even when that we would end up at my grandparents house at the same time in Alabama. He would even back me in the corner of church and fondle me. The church I went to at that time the bathrooms were back with all the Sunday school classes and if I had to go he would all of a sudden have to go. When I would come out of the bathroom he would be at the door waiting on me. I hated him doing that. He was a mean person. He would scare me with snakes and hit and slap me and pull my hair. One time we went to their house and he caused me to bleed and I got scared because I had never had a period and I didn’t know what to do if I was bleeding. I waited until we got home and then I called my mother to the bathroom and she thought I had just got my first period. I didn’t tell her that I was hurt and that is why I was bleeding. I was to scared to tell her. I didn’t think she would believe me and that I would get the blame for it. The worse thing he did was when we all went to Alabama to my grandparent’s house they were there and he told me he wanted to show me something. I said ok and he said you can only see it from the bathroom window. I said ok. What a stupid person I was. My grandparents bathroom was weird it was huge. As you go in the door the sink and mirror was on the left and the shower and then you walked down like a long hallway to the toilet and the window was at the very end of the room. As soon as I went in the bathroom with him he locked the door and told me to go to the window so I did and then when he got down there he started telling me what he wanted me to do and I told him NO and he said you are going to do it. I said NO and then he put his hands around my neck and started chocking me. Then he pulled out his penis and told me that I was going to suck it. I said no again and he forced it in my mouth. I hated him. I was sick. I was thinking how am I going to get out of this and thank God that my aunt knocked on the door and he stopped and he made me answer her. He told me to tell her that I would be out in a few minutes. He told me if I told that he would hurt me really bad next time. He hid in the shower to make sure that my aunt wasn’t at the door when I went out. I waited a few minutes and he came out and then I went and told my aunt that she could go to the bathroom. He tried to get me to go in this burnt out building one time but I knew if I did I would be done for. I was so glad when they moved to Alabama because then we didn’t see them that much and every time I would see them I made sure I stayed away from him because I knew if he could get me alone he would do awful things to me like before. My granddad Yewell Adolphis H. grabbed my breast and fondled me once. When I was twelve I had a crush on my brother-in-laws brother Daniel T. who was five years older than me. He knew it and one day he came to my house. I was in my tree house playing with my brother Paul and he came up there with us. He started talking to me and he told me he liked me. This made me feel good. He asked me if I would go walking with him in the wood trails behind our house and I said ok. I don’t remember exactly how we ended up on the ground together and he was on top of me wanting to know if he was in or not I must have blanked out because I do remember looking up at him and asking him if he loved me and if that is why he was doing this. He then stopped and got up. I’m not sure if it was because I said that or if it was because he heard someone calling him. When I was taking a bath Darriel would go outside the bathroom window and look in the window at me. I started putting towels over the window. He opened the bathroom door a couple of times when I was using the bathroom, when he had his disgusting friends over. My mother didn’t like his friends and she made them stop coming in our house. When I was fourteen this guy Glen who went to our church, who was seven years older than me asked my mother one day if he could bring me and my brother home from church. She said ok. He wanted to know if me and Paul could start riding with him to church. It seemed ok and I thought it was cool to ride with some one other than my mother. He then wanted to know if we could start going out which seemed ok because Paul was always with us. He then started picking us up from school. I thought this was great not having to ride the bus home and what ever I wanted he would get it for me. I had no clue I would have to pay a price for that. He is the one who got Paul and I started smoking cigarettes. I thought I was doing something big smoking. He would take us to his house to play pool. I didn’t have a problem going out with him because it give me away to get away from Darriel and all his crap from my house. He started fondling me and one day he sodimized me in the same room that my older brother raped me. I am in the healing process now and I am 34 years old. I had totally blanked out a lot of my abuse but scents I have been seeing a counselor I have remembered a lot more than things about all the abuse I went through. I said to myself I don’t want to remember anymore because I remembered that I had been fondled by two more people and I said I hope this is it. It is good to get it all out even though it don’t feel so great at the time. I have blamed myself, I have been ashamed of myself, angry all the time, I’ve inflected pain upon myself by cutting my wrist and doing other things to try to relieve the hurt I felt inside, I’ve cried countless tears for years and I still cry. This is steel not easy to talk about but if it will help someone else who has been through this I wish you the best in your healing process. You can make it. Please don’t keep silent about this any longer get help. I have been feeling better scent I started going to my counselor. I hope this helped some how. I wish you well.

-Marie W.