I've never actually been raped but i've been harassed. On March-31-04 we were going to go bowling and this boy named Gaurmo in my class wouldn't give me back my quarters and before he gave them back he started feeling my arms an shoulders then put them in my hand. And a couple months ago he talked to me, Clara, and my best friend Mariah about how he wanted to have sex with us and bone us. He also kept on feeling his foot against my leg, Then he asked some boys if he was right that men liked to see lesbians bone eachother and they said,"F*** ya!", and said all of us should have group sex. And then he said that me ,Clara and Mariah should all get together and lick eachothers virgina's. He then told me to go have sex in the bathrooom with him and I said no. He then said."F*** you bitch." Another time he asked me if I had ever kissed a boy before and I said no.He the said then let's kiss right now I then said," No thank you," and walked away. But for some reason I've been too scared to tell anyone.

-Anonymous

I always went by the saying, "It will never happen to me" when it came to rape. I mean come on, I was only 14, nothing could possibly happen... right? When I met Tyquien I was 13 and he was 14 turning 15 in 3 months from the time, life was safe and easy. I'm from Bellaire, Texas, an upper-class wealthy town 25 minutes from Houston. My hometown is pretty quiet; there were no homeless people, or even busy streets. My dad owns a software company and my mom's an O.R. Nurse, plus we inherited a couple million dollars when my grandfather passed away.

On May 10, 2001, I walked through the mall browsing like any other Friday night. My friends Kaliyah, Brooklyn, and Deedra were with me as we checked out some guys. One stood out, his name was Tyquien and he was two years older. We instantly connected and became the best of friends. Months went by and a dating relationship had begun. I could honestly say I loved him and mean it, but most of all I trusted him with my life. Our relationship was amazing, the kind everyone wished they had, but everyone didn't know what went on behind closed doors.

It was August and my parents had gone out of town with my younger sister for her figure skating competition in Freeport, New York. I stayed home with my older cousin who kind of acted like my big brother. Later on Tyquien called to ask if I wanted to see a movie then stay over his house that night. Of course I agreed and he picked me up around 7. The movie ended at 9 and by the time the bus dropped us off near his house, it was just past 9:30. We sat and cuddled on the couch while watching Friday. He turned to me and said he loved me and I said it back, then we kissed. It went on for a long time...then he started going up my shirt and really I didn't mind. I got on top of him, kissing, and he takes off my shirt. We rolled around and now he was on top of me. He started kissing down and I’m guessing I was enjoying it because I didn’t stop him. He pulled off my skirt and panties, and that’s when I said what are you doing. He said, "Nothing baby just lay back and relax." Sex was the first thing that popped into my head and I got shaky. I told him that I wasn't ready to take that next step and he just kept assuring me that I would be fine. He got up to put the condom on and I ran to the door, I'm not quite sure why. He caught me by the arm and said that I was going to do it no matter what. I told him that would be raping me and I'd go right to the police as soon and I left. He didn't like that answer, he grabbed me by the neck, pushed me onto the bed and forced himself inside of me. I couldn't breathe so I scratched at his hand and he released but held my hands back above my head with it. I never realized how strong he was and it would be impossible to escape but that didn't stop me from trying. I actually broke free and tried pushing him by the chest off of me but he was far too heavy and I just sat there. He was inside of me, I WAS a virgin and he was slowly taking it away without my permission and against my will. Words can't describe how I was feeling that night physically and emotionally.

I was in pain and still trying to break away. I remember repeating the words, "Stop please" and "Please stop" over and over. No matter how much I said it, how much I pushed on him, how much I cried, he would not stop. I thought, "This couldn't be happening to me, not from my boyfriend, not from the one whom I loved and trusted." But it was reality, a very scary messed up one. He tried to get me to kiss him back, act like I was enjoying it, but I couldn’t, I mean how could you, I was getting raped. Since I wasn't... he got worse, a lot more rough and physical. He kept hitting the side of my face telling me to give in. At one point he stopped and held my face with one hand while punching it with the other. He kept saying he was sorry but I had to do what he wanted or this would happen. I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt like passing out so I gave in. I was kissing him back, letting him sex me... I stopped crying and I moaned. After a little while he finally stopped. I was relieved but scared of what he might do next. I just kind of lay there, we both said nothing. The silence was killing me, but I didn't want to make him mad in any way. I did. I turned to him and said, "Why, why'd you do this to me?" At first he said in a calm voice, "Look baby, you know I love you. I thought you wanted it, I thought you wanted me to be inside you. Plus you needed to try it sometime, now you're not a virgin and the thing is I have you're virginity because I'm your boyfriend and that's the way it's supposed to be." Then he began to breathe heavy and he stood up, he said, "But since you're a bitch who don't like to do shit with her boyfriend I had to get it by myself. You should of just let me get it not have to force myself in you. But you didn't, you put up a fight and I still won. Now I know how you are and you better get used to me because it's going to happen a lot. Just give up and go along with it, you know you can't over-power me." He hit me and laughed. I put my head in the pillow but didn't cry. He turned he over and said, "Look at me when I’m talking to you bitch, I own you now, and don't ever try to leave me because I will kill you. And I swear if you tell anyone I will beat the shit out of you, to the point where nobody will want you." The tears shed and he hit me again. He got on top of me and said to shut up and tell him i loved him. I did and he went back inside me.

Morning arose and he was still asleep. I got up slowly, in pain, and quietly walked to where my clothes were. Looking back to where he was sleeping, there was blood all over the bed and all over my legs and lower body part. I gasped but shut up. Sneaking out of the house I ran all the way home and casually walked inside. Of course my cousin was still sleeping so I ran a bath and soaked for 2 hours. I never did end up telling him, he asked how my night was and I said it was fine... the usual, then went to my room and cried. Tyquien called me later that day and asked why I left. I said my cousin needed me home and he believed it but said we were doing something that night. I told him how much pain I was in and he told me to suck it up. I didn't want to see him. But I ended up going over. Stupid me. We didn't have sex but he did hit me a couple times when I wouldn’t talk to him. The night ended with a kiss and he brought me home.

Weeks went by... and months. My body was scarred up, bruised and shaky. I covered it up mostly with cover up or lies but the truth stood behind me and was stabbing me in the back. I needed to break loose, although the sex wasn't hurting anymore, the beatings were.

One day I ended up in the hospital, the doctors and nurses knew it was abuse and they went straight to my dad. That’s when my story spilled, like the one I'm telling you now. My parents cried and were upset I hadn't told anyone sooner but they weren't anger. I got so much support from my family and friends... I was freed. Tyquien had to serve 8 months jail time and was on a 4-year probation, plus I have a restraining order against him for life.

I can't say I hate him because I don't. But I do hate what he did to me. As crazy as this sounds, I don't think I regret any of it, even though he put me through a lot of emotional and physical pain, at one point in life, I did love that boy very much. He helped me realize things, you can't even trust the people who trust you. Everyone has secrets and problems, a lot of times you're not going to find them, but it wouldn't hurt to try. I talked to him a while ago while he was in jail. I told him something and I felt a lot better after I did. I said, "You put yourself in this position, it was never my fault so never blame me. But I want to thank you for something, I want to thank you for helping me grow. Because look at me, I'm still standing, I'm still strong. I'm an amazing woman and you ruined your chance. You ruined your own life because I'm fine and I'm happy. So know that I love you... for the person you were months ago. Maybe if you would have controlled yourself you would still have a life. I'm glad I saw your true colors early, if it wasn't for that day you knocked me out unconscious, I still might of been your punching bag." A tear dropped and I got up and left. He didn't say anything, well nothing I heard.

The whole story would have taken hours... I broke it down as much as possible. I hate it how people think they own their woman. We're not merchandise, we're human beings. Even though I made the wrong choice by not going to anyone, you don't have to follow. Who knows where I would be today, and who knows where you'll be if you don't go to somebody, anybody. Make the right choice.

Claudette... a survivor of abuse and forced sex

I was ten when my mother took me into her room. She asked me if there was anything I had been wanting to tell her but couldn't. I stared at her not really knowing what she was referring to. It was then that said my older brother told her he thought our cousin was doing bad things to me. I crumbled, I cried, I told her. I do not remember when it started, I only remember I was ten when it ended. I know that it started when I lived in my old house and ended after I moved to my new house. I strongly feel it started when I was six or seven but I honestly don't remember. At first my cousin would just find times to be in a room alone with me, and he would stand very close to me. Then it went to times where he wanted to "check on my development". Then it moved to worse things, more than just "checking". I blocked most of it out, and only remember three specific times when he abused me. The one thing that I remember about all three is that it was not the first time. I remember feeling this dread, and saying to myself "oh God not again, when will he leave me alone?" I plan on going into therapy this summer, to hopefully be able to remember more so that I can put it all behind me and start moving on. I am twenty years old now and I thought that by ignoring that it ever happened and growing older it would be alot easier. I know now that I will never be able to heal until I know and understand what happened to me for so many years as a child. It has caused me to hate family holidays, and going to Christmas dinner and seeing his face across the table kills a little part of me every year. I finally told that to my mother this Christmas, when I refused to go to my Aunts to eat dinner. I refused to be forced to sit at the same table with him and smile and act like we were a perfect family. I shouldn't have to. I am so thankful that I have a boyfriend who is caring and never pushes me, a best friend that is always there to listen, and a family that protects me and talks with me all the time. I am proud to say that I am a survivor, and it has taken me ten years to start healing, but i'm starting; and speaking about this right now, on here has been a huge step in the right direction.

-Amanda

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