I'm ready to tell my story now. I can put it all together and it makes sense. For so long I blocked it out, but now it is real again, it is fresh in my memory. I was twelve, an apparent naive twelve year old, my mother was in the hospital for a hysterectomy, and I was under the care of her boyfriend at the time. He had an idea. He suggested we get drunk together, that he had done it with all of his daughters and that it was to show us that if we were ever at a party where there was alcohol that it would be 'uncool' to drink. I trusted him, so I went along with it. That night he gave me drink upon drink, until the point where my petite 95 lb. body couldn't take it anymore, and I passed out. This is what I had blocked out for so long:

He had been molesting me while I was passed out and at some point I had to go to the bathroom, and I woke up. In my attempt to reach the bathroom I had passed out, and he helped me along in my journey. I did use the bathroom and convienently enough for him,. I passed out again. This is where he first assaulted me. On the battleship gray floor of our family bathroom, that I myself had so proudly helped to paint, faint amounts of my own blood now seemed to stain. I was unconcious, but it was as though my soul had left behind my body, and ran to the shelter of an angel sent just for me. I cried, inside I cried as I watched from afar this terrible attack, this fiendish person thrusting into that helpless little girl. I believe there was an angel there, for I felt no pain, but I know now what happened. From the bathroom he carried me to his bedroom and placed me on the bed to finish what he had started. First he crawled under the sheets, the bleached white sheets, and this is where he must have taken off his pants. I wasn't concious. He pulled me under the sheets with him. The blanket wasn't on the bed that I remember, at least, it wasn't where we were, maybe jumbled towards the side of the bed or something of that sort. He at some point removed my softly striped pink shorts, if he had even replaced them after the first time. I dont remember being awake, but I know my eyes must have been open, I must have appeared concious, yet absent, for if not the rest of this couldn't have happened unless he supported me. He pulled my tiny body on top of him. Lifting me into a straddling position, his hands around my hips forced him to enter me. That bastard raped me again. He lifted me up and pulled me back down repeating this again and again to his own sick gratification. I wasn't in any pain. I wasn't even there. I saw this happen but it must have been briefly (I hope) because I can hardly remember it. I saw the color white, his shirt, the sheets. The light in the room was off, but because the door was open light streamed in from the kitchen it was connected to. I remember him enter me once, I remember my eyes closing, and never opening again til morning. My body was numb from the amount of alcohol my system contained. I had shut down, everything, I was hardly more than a corpse. During this he must have looked into my eyes, my empty, emotionless, violated, betrayed blue eyes, I hope that makes him sick. It certainly makes me sick to know he took pleasure from that poor, defenseless, trustingly innocent child. He took advantage of me that night. I was raped by a man four times my age. Afterwards, he dressed me like his own puppet, placed me back in my bed, top bunk, nothing out of the ordinary, and must have returned to remove the evidence from my places of shame. I would hardly suspect a thing for the next four years...

To any of you out there who need help, dont hesitate to write me a letter. I'm very open to hear your stories, mine took me four years to fully remember, I blocked it out and I was so drunk I wasn't fully aware. I couldn't defend myself. But I would love to help any of you. God bless you all, for I found my strength in all of you.

Yours,Nicki

I'll start from the beginning. I am 21, a full time pre-med student and I work in a local emergency dept part time. I am the normal one. The overachiever. The one who always gets everything right in her life. At least that's what I always have told myself.

A little more than a year ago, I had had my eyes on doctor who worked in the hospital. He was young, attractive, and intelligent but best of all, he was single. Then at a hospital party, I got the guts to go up and dance with him and the night melted into history.

We began dating, never too intimate as I had wanted to maintain my virginity until I was married. Our "romance" was a secret, we both knew that if anyone found out, we'd both be fired and I knew my parents would be pissed. It was perfect for a while. He'd take me out to the expensive restaraunts and buy me gifts for no reason and I began to think I was falling in love. Occasionally the topic of sex would come up but it seemed as though he respected my wishes.

The night after my 20th birthay, we went out for an early dinner at our usual spot and then we decided to go back to his place and watch a movie. Nothing unusual. Then as I got up off the couch to go to the kitchen, he grabbed my hand. He changed. He pulled me down onto the couch with so much force that I thought I broke my wrist. He pulled my hands above my head and asked what I thought of it all. I was scared and asked him what he was doing. He laughed and said "What I want." It's strange. I still remember the sirens in the distance of a fire truck. I tried to push him off but he slapped me. He was so much bigger and it was easy for him to hold both my hands with one of his. He proceeded to carefully unzip my hoodie and then pull of my shirt all the while telling me that if I tried anything, he'd kill me. Once I was completely naked he dragged me, kicking, to his bedroom where he threw me on the bed. I tried to get up but he slapped me and then punched me in the stomach and I felt the wind get knocked out of me. He I lay there, trying to breathe and watching him as he grabbed a tie off his dresser. He tied my hands together and pulled a pillow over my head. All I could think of was that it was the end. I tried to keep my legs closed but he pulled them apart and raped me. When he was done, he asked if I liked it. I laid there, praying in my head for it all to be a dream. My face hurt, my stomach hurt, my hands hurt but below my waist I was numb. I lay there, all night, as he slept afraid to get up. The next morning he woke up and told me he'd drive me home. It was as if nothing happened. All I could think of was how tarnished I was, How dirty I was. I got home before my family woke up and when I looked in the mirror, I almost screamed. My face was bruised and swollen. My wrist, my stomach, and my thighs were almost black they were so bruised. I took a painful shower and it took me almost an hour to fix my makeup so that it was hard to tell.

It's been a year and a difficult one at that. In that time, I didnt tell anyone, not a soul. I didnt go out with him again but saw him and was forced to talk to him every time I worked. And to this day I still am. I have developed an eating disorder and the other day I made my cry for help. I went to see one of the doctors I work with about a "rash" on my wrist that was totally fake. I dont know why i did it but he and another colleague called me on my bull. I told them about the eating disorder and after a while I confessed about the rape. I told them it was by a doctor but I didnt say who. I hadnt ever told anyone before and I was an emotional wreck. I dont think I'll ever tell my family or friends nor will I press charges. But everytime I am at work, I have to talk to him and he acts as if nothing happened between us. Each time is as if it is all happening again and it's been hard. I feel trapped. If I quit my job, I lose my contacts for medical school and rase suspicion for quitting for no reason. If I stay, I have to look at him and tlak to him constantly. If I tell everyone what happened and who did it, he will lose his job and his license and I will lose my job and be ostracized. Oh god it's awful. Soemtime I just wish that I had slept with him so he wouldn't have raped me.

-Anonymous

It all just happened two days ago. I liked a guy, Dennis, who played in a live band(he was one of the main singers) at a local club in my hometown. They were all phillipines(i'm not racial discrimination, just wanted to explain more). N'way the day before it happened, Dennis flirt wif me n attempt to kissed me. I was very thrilled and happy as this is the first time for nineteen years that i really confront a guy. (i didn't really tell him i like him but i did show him signs). The next day(6/3/2004) i went to the club again hopefully to see him again as the day before when he almsot kissed me(5/3/2004) it was their last night performing in my hometown but according to Dennis, they will be here until Sunday morning(7/3/2004) where they would get a morning flight and go to another main city.

I was wearing a mini denim skirt and a off shoulder long sleeve blouse. Not too revealing but i would admit its my first time wearing a mini skirt(although i'm fat) and i really wanna flirt wif Dennis. He really did came and wif two more other gurls. Then when i went to the ladies room, the gurl that was wif Dennis, was talkin to me(i kinda knew her few weeks before). She keeps on askin whether i'm closed to Dennis or not.(oh before i went to the ladies, i saw her and Dennis whispering something important). I told her i'm not that closed but yeah i knew them. Then she out of nowhere told me I'm very closed to them...in fact i'm Dennis gurlfriend and he asked me to go to this room afterwards. Numb and empty i felt. Being a good actress, i smiled and went back to the club to drink even more. He kept on staring at me but i ignored his stare. If he already had a gurlfriend why did he still flirt with me the night before? Why did he still tried to kiss me? What the hell is he trying to do???

Later, another group member of the Dennis's band(lets name him L)L came to talk to me. He was much older compare to the other group members(thirty plus)and much shorter and smaller size than me. He then invited me to go downstairs for a chat at the restaurant. As naive as i taught that Dennis would b there(coz they alwuz have gatherings down there) i agreed. I went wif L downstairs but instead of going in the restaurant he guide me to somewhere else. Being so high b'cuz of the alcohol i ignore that fact and didn't know what's happening. He then guide me to his room. I thought Dennis would be in there or even better, its his room i went in obediently. Only to realise we're both alone. Knowing something suspicious i hold onto my back tight so that i could speed off the room anytime without leaving my stuff in the room. L then sat next to me and hugged me. I don't mind as lots of people alwuz hugs me, especially the band member. He later took off his boots. I taught he just wanted to be comfortable. Then he asked me to take off mine. I turn towards him and ask why should i. At that very moment he was so closed to me. He smiled and kissed me, making me fall onto my back.

First time being kissed and yet so rough, i don't like one bit. He keep on french kissing me and bitting my lips. I told him i didn't want this to happened. He then stand up and walked away. I taught at last he came back to his senses. Suddenly, i heard the door being lached and the lights turned off. Freaking out real this time i tried to stand up and run for the door. He came up to me and dragged me back to my back. Fortunately i alwuz read surviving stories from the net, to my opinion i think we should defend ourselves but not in a rough way or else they would be even more rough and would hurt us more. Not knowing such a small guy would be that strong(believe me, he's really small n i'm really big, it equals that size doesnt matter when it comes to rape nor gender issues)i took all my effort to push him away from me and keep on changing topic, hopefully he would forget bout this sex thing or even to distract him. That very moment someone called the room and he answered it as if he's listening to someone talking. Taking the opportunity i pushed him hard. He then continued harrassing me and pushing me skirt up. I told him firmly this time(as i'm very irritated) that i don't wanna have sex, that this is my first time, that i don't like him but his fren instead. He stopped for a while and ask who is his fren.

I don't dare to tell so i kept quite and continue pushing him off. He ask whether is it Dennis(how can it be such a coincidence?First guess and he's correct???)I admit it hopefully he would stop. He said he understand n he won't have sex wif me but he still wants to get his "juice" off him(i still could remember the way he said juice instead of cum). I told him if he do anything funky i would go to the police. He then asked me to hugged him only then he'll let me go. I hugged him, ending up still him kissing me roughly and humped me wif our clothes on. Thank god my handphone suddenly rang(my friend message me). I gave him excuse that my friends outside waiting for me.So i quickly reached for the door. Thank god he let me out. But as i went out of the door, someone quickly went in the room at the corner of the corridor and slam the door. I still wonder who is it as it looks as if it is Dennis's room.

L offered to walk me to my carpark but i tell him i don't want to. He sorta blackmailed me saying if I dont' let him walk me at least to the lobby he would tell Dennis i liked him. As i don't want to be the third person between Dennis n his gurlfren, I told him no and he would walked me to the lobby. As i reached to the lobby i bit farewell and ran for my car as i proceed to another club for a desperate drink(i know stupid me but thank the god again for protecting me as nothing happened after that). TOday(8/3/2004) i still have swollen lips and bit marks on my lips. Thank god nothing further happened but still there is a scar left on my heart. I can still remember how fast and rapid my breathe was as he forces kissed n tongued into my mouth. Although nothing too serious happened but he left a scar in my mind, my heart, my life...

-Mandy

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