just like alot of people who wrote there stories, i dont no where to start and i dont no how it happened. well lqast valentie's day my boyfriend took me to the movies. we went to go see u got served. he wanted me to go into catch that kid becausew there wasnt anybody in there. so finally i said yes. we got in there. and he starded touching me. i told him that i wasnt feeling to good and i wanted to go home. he didnt listen. i tryed to walk away but he wouldnt let me. he said that everything would be ok. and that he would be nice 2 me. what ever thats suppose to mean. he tryed to kiss me and i couldnt do anything about it bacause he is alot bigger then me. he started taking off my skirt and getting on top of me and i said no. but he didnt listen. and he raped me. after words, he said that was fun wasnt it. 2-14-04 was the worst day of my life. he cant understand y im not talking to him or y i havent returned his phone calls. people always say that its not your falt. in my case it was. i could have done something to prevent it. i was one of those people who thought it could never happen to me... i cant think i cant eat i cant sleep. i'm so lost. i really need help. i havent even told my parents yet. i dont think i will. they freak out when i get a B on a test. he told ever body that he scored. u want to no the funny thing about it, i still love him.

-Jamison

The night that has changed my life forever happened my freshman year of college. I was an 18 year old freshman in college who was naive to the world. I thought that no matter what I would be safe in college. I listened to the freshman orientation speeches about the dangers of drinking, drugs, and sexual assault. I was told how to report them and how the school had zero tolerance for drinking, drugs or sexual assault. I never gave much thought to walking alone at night, going to parties where there was drinking, hanging out with a bunch of guys I didn’t know much about. I was carefree and having fun. I think that was the last time in my life I was truly able to let go, have fun, and be happy.

I remember the first week of school. I was warned by my roommate who was a year older that the first week was called freshman F**k week, where the upperclassmen just wanted to do any freshman. I was also warned that if you did anything that night you would be labeled your entire time at school, since it was a pretty small college. So having a crush on the Sophomore in my Sociology class would have to wait till at least the second week of school.

After some parties, tons of drinking, and running around campus at night carefree, I finally got the nerve to talk to him. After class one day I asked him if he wanted to go to get food from the dining hall together. He said he would love to. We continued talking for couple weeks, which in college was a long time. He then asked me to come to one of his frat parties. I was thrilled. I remember calling some of my friends from home telling them how this amazingly cute, older, and smart guy wanted to go on a date with me.

I worked out everything I was going to wear that night. I had a nice pink top, it showed a little cleavage but was very tasteful. I had a short black skirt. No stockings because my legs were nice and tan. I had cute shoes. I wore some make-up, just lip stick, eyeshadow and a little blush. I looked real hot, but honestly I looked like any other college girl going out for the night.

He picked me up and we went to dinner first. Then we went back to the frat house for the party. I was in heaven. This is what I thought was the most fun, isn’t college all about dating, drinking, and having one party after the next. He handed me a cup with punch, and we went into one of the frat rooms. We played some drinking games with his frat friends. I ran out of punch and so my date went to go get me some more.

He came back and we played a couple more games with 2 of his friends. I never even noticed that on his way back he locked the door. Then again I am not sure if he even did. I have dreams now that give me chills as I hear the door lock, but I don’t know much of what happened. I am not sure how much of what happened was me or something that I made up afterwards. Well this is what I remember from the night.

I remember sitting on the foot of one of the beds. The room started spinning and I began to feel weird. I laved down on the bed. My date came over to me, and layed next to me. He began to kiss me. I didn’t mind the kissing, after all he was a cute older guy. He began to touch my breast, still I didn’t mind so much, and honestly I really liked the way it felt.

His friends then came toward me while we were kissing. At that point I began to feel the danger that was about to happen to me. I felt like I couldn’t move, even though I really wanted to get out of there. I don’t know if I even said anything. I know I wanted to scream and get the guys off of me, but I couldn’t move.

They removed my shirt and bra without tearing it. They took off my panties and just pulled up my shirt. I remember feeling one of the guys facial hair on my privates. One of the other guys pulled down his pants and shoved himself in my mouth. The entire time I felt like I was somewhere else. I just kept looking over at the fish tank in the guys room.

Each guy took their time with me. The time went real slow. As the night went on I became real numb. The pain and burning didn’t stop, but I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted them to finish. I wanted to crawl away but I still couldn’t move. It was 3:42 in the morning when they finally were to tired to do anymore. I remember looking at the clock when I got dressed. I slowly put on my clothes and walked toward the door. I was still dizzy and the room was spinning.

My date even walked me back to my room. He laid me down on my bed and undressed me again. He was different this time. He was softer and less forceful. He folded the clothes as he took them off of me. Then laid on top of me again. I remember this time I told him no for sure. I was so sore from what happened before I just didn’t want to burn anymore.

After he left I went and took long showers for days. I felt sick every day I had to go to my Sociology class. He thought we were still dating each other and kept calling me. I went home every weekend I could. I stopped going out at night and began to shut the world out of my life.

To this day I can’t seem to go out at night to parties unless I know the guys that are going to be there real well. The again I don’t get to know many people because I am scared. I have so much fear in my life. I have so much shame in my life. For years I used sex as a weapon to hurt men. I gained a lot of weight and shut my friends out of my life.

I finally began to get over my pain and began to love a man. I couldn’t be happy with him, as much as I love him I can’t let myself be happy again. I can’t get over my fear of being hurt like that again. That night keeps haunting me. The nightmares do not occur as much as they used to, but sometimes I will walk down the street and just panic at the sight of a man. I don’t like to be around a lot of people that I don’t know.

I really want to let this part of my life go it has been five years. I want to love the man who loves me, but how can I love someone when I don’t love myself. I feel like I should be punished for what happened. Maybe if I didn’t dress in that skirt, or drink at the party, or be alone in a room with 3 older guys. Maybe if I walked out before he kissed me the first time. I don’t even know if I told them no at the party. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move.

I want to move on. I don’t want one night to haunt me for the rest of my life. I want to love and have fun again. Hopefully I can get the help I need and I will be able to let myself be happy.

Thank you for reading my story.

-Laura

Ash's Story