I'm 14 years old right now. My first encounter with sexual abuse was at the tender age of 4 or 5. This only happened once or twice maybe even more because I may have blocked some memories out. I just remember being at my cousin Ricky's house, me, him, and his 2 younger brothers were playing hide and go seek. I was hiding with him in his mom's room's closet. It was one of those closets that are wooden, but it's kind of like blinds and you can see through them to the outside when your in the closet. I remember that there was a chair in there, my cousin Ricky sat on the chair in the closet, and put me in his lap. The next thing i remember is that i was looking out the closet and saw both of his brothers in the room, then I remember feeling him rubbing me down in my private. I remember that I looked down and saw it too. I still see this cousin today, and he acts like it never happened. It's so weird how even a child this young like I was can remember traumatic things like this, because what people have to remember is anybody who has been sexually abused or raped, it doesn't matter what the age of the child was, the child will remember it for life. It scars the child. Like it did to me.

Now I'm going to tell about my other abuser. My cousin, everybody called him Fito, I did too. He did the worst things to me than all my other abusers did to me which you'll read about later on. My family and I had just moved into our new home. My dad had bought the property too, the property had trailers on it, so my dad rented them to people. A while after we moved in, my cousin Fito, and his family moved in. It was him, his mom and dad, his 3 brothers and one of his brothers wife and their 2 kids. A boy and a girl. (Sorry if I'm giving a lot of information, it's just that I need to get this all out, this is the first time telling my story) My cousin lived right next door, behind my trailer. I remember I liked it at my new house because it had the biggest yard, and my other house had the tiniest yard. So I enjoyed it. It all started when I was about 6 years old, already going to turn 7. I can't remember the first time anything happened though. I remember how he would tell me to go into his room. I remember that his bed where everything happened on was right behind the door of his room. I hate this room, I have to see it like everyday because now my older sister lives there. I never told anybody about anything of this except my friend and she doesn't even know half of the things that went on. Well, anyways, my sister, her husband and their 2 kids live there now. I believe that if I would have told about what happened to me in that house that she wouldn't have moved in there like she did. Anyways, I remember how he would sit on his bed, put me on his lap. At first I remember that when I would be on his lap, he would touch me and rub me down there with my cloths on. You know what was fucked up though? On a lot of different times he would abuse me, sometimes his family would be right in the living room which is right next to his room or in the kitchen. I remember once when I walked out of his room after something happened, that I saw his brothers wife on the couch. She had to have had thought that it wasn't right for a little girl my age to be spending time with my older cousin. Fito was like 20 years old. But yet, she didn't bother to ask me or confront him about it. I think maybe she had suspicions but never had the nerve to ask me if anything had been going on. Anyways, again, pretty soon it escalated to where when he would slip his hands into my underwear, rub me and touch me down there. One time he while I was on his lap, he stuck his fingers into me, it hurt so much, so I just jumped up, he said, "te dwelle", meaning it hurts? That was spanish. I'm mexican. I remember i said yes. He did it anyways, I remember feeling pain. I remember one time i was looking out the window of his house, he went up behind me, pinched my butt, and said "vente", meaning come on. I followed him into his room. I was so stupid. I don't know why I just didn't walk out of the house, the door was right there. But I remember that he said not to tell. Me being the little trusting girl that I was, listened. I was always very, very shy as a child and still am, which I hate. I think that the abuse and rape which you'll read about later on contributed to my shyness. I remember once, he wanted me to touch his penis, I said no, he burned me with his cigarette. I still have the scar on my right arm. I hate to have to look at it and remember how I got it. He made me touch him anyways. I remember a time when I was walking out of the bathroom in his room, I had a towel wrapped around my naked body. It's like I repressed some memories, so I can't remember some things. Some things may be blanks. Then I remember that I was standing up, he kneeled down to me, I opened the towel up, because he wanted to see my body. I remember just looking down at him, me looking at me. So disgusting. I also remember how he would show me these little books in spanish, that had pictures of naked men and women. He made me look at them. I remember that this kind of stuff went on for a long time, years, until the day that he raped me when I was 10 years old. The last time he ever got to do anything else to me was when he raped me. I think he did this because he was moving and was not going to be seeing me as often anymore. I can't remember how I had my shorts off. All I remember is that I was laying down on his bed, my legs were spread. I remember looking up at him, he was looking down at me. Then it goes blank, I don't really know what happened after this. Then I remember seeing him on the bed with his knees in between my legs so I wouldn't close them. No wonder I always had this feeling of a memory of someone on top of me. The memory was of my cousin on top of me. I remember feeling his heavy body weight on my body. He got more on top of me where I could feel pressure on my body. He started kissing me. I just remember feeling scared. That's when he put my hands over my head on the bed, and he held them down with both of his hands. So I had no way of fighting him off. I remember looking down at him, he was wearing black pants with no shirt on. Then I remember feeling the most pain I had ever felt. He had entered me. It hurt like hell. That's when I kind of made a noise cause it hurt. He told me to shut up. I remember that I would'nt be quiet cause it hurt. I was crying. So that's when he got one of his hands and put it on my mouth, with his other hand still holding my hands over my head. I tried to get free but he was way too strong for me. I couldn't breath. I felt so helpless while he was ripping me apart inside. I felt like I just wanted to die. Physically, I was there, but in my mind I had wondered off. I remember imagining that I was in a field of pretty flowers running free. I also remember in my mind while he was raping me asking "Why God"? My tears were rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't make a sound. I was helpless. Then he was done. He got up and told me to put my shorts back up. I remember that I looked at his bed, there was blood on his sheets. I was shaking so bad. It hurt so much to even get off the bed, it's a miracle that I could even walk. I remember when I got up that blood was coming down my leg. I went to the bathroom, got some toilet paper, and put it in my underwear so that I wouldn't stain my cloths. I was still crying and shaking. He told me not to tell anyone or he would kill me. He threatened me so I never said a word to anyone until now. He told me when I stopped crying that I could go home. So I stopped and he let me go. The whole time I was there trying to stop crying he kept reminding me not to tell. I went on home. I remember walking outside in my yard heading to my house. Nobody was home. I went in, went to the bathroom. I took all of my cloths off and took a shower. I was so sore down there. I remember that I threw my cloths in the garbage. I wanted nothing to remind me of what had just happened. After I took a shower, I went to the living room, laid down on the couch, and cried myself to sleep. I felt so dirty, ashamed, and scared more than ever in my life. From then and on I tried to forget about it. It was too painful to remember. Then this year when I was 14, still am, I started remembering. Fito moved out with his family and they still live in the same city where I live. He has never seen me ever since. The last time I saw him, me and my sister were driving by his house, he was outside on the steps smoking. My sister honked and said hi to him. If only she knew what he did, she wouldn't have done that. That was earlier this year. That was the last time anything had ever happened between me and him.

Around the time that my cousin Fito was abusing me, my own brother was doing the same. I was about 8 or 9, My brother was about 13 or 14 at the time. He would make me play this little sick game. He would tell me to lay down on the floor with my back facing up. He would get on my back with his stomach on my back. He told me that I would have to crawl to touch ( for example, the couch), and while I was crawling to touch it, he would be on my back hunching me making these weird grunting noises. He was acting like he was having sex with me anally. In the back of my mind, I knew that this didn't feel right even though he made it seem like a game. I remember he did this the most. What makes me think even more that this was abuse is because when he made me play the game, we were always alone. If it was a normal child's game, we would have done it when my mom or dad was home or other people. But there wasn't. I remember once I went to go sleep with him on his bed cause he told me to. I was sleeping in my mom's room, when I woke up I was scared cause I couldn't find my mom or my little sister. So I went walking around the house looking for them. That's when I went into my brother Manuel's room and asked him where they went. He said they went to sleep at my Grandma's house because my dad was outside getting drunk with my uncle, and she didn't want to be here when he came in to argue and fight like always. When I think back about this, I wonder how come my mom didn't take me with her, she could have saved me some more pain that my brother was going to inflict on me. It wasn't physical pain, emotional though. My brother told me to go in bed with him, I did. A while after I was laying there trying to go to sleep, but couldn't cause I was scared of my dad coming in drunk. My dad would never hit us when he was drunk. Thank God. He just always scared me. Don't really know why. I guess it was because of all the time I would see him argue and get into physical fights with my mom. Anyways, I think my brother thought I was sleeping, that's when he put his hands under the cover to touch my private. I didn't know what to do. I froze up and was too scared to move or say anything. So I just let him fondle me. I was so fuckin stupid. That was all my brother did.

My other abuser, abused me one time. He's my brother-in-law. His name is Fernando. It was the day I was going with him to the hospital to bring home my sister and her new baby boy. I was in his and my sister's room which is now the room where my cousin Fito raped and molested me. I had just finished dressing his daugher, my niece, Jackie up. I was sitting on the bed. He was too, but he was away from me. The next thing I know is he's pulling me closer to him. In my mind I remember thinking "what the hell is he doing?" I had that feeling that this wasn't right. Again, I froze up and felt like I couldn't say or do anything. I wanted to say no, but I was too frozen up. When he got me the closest he could get me, he started rubbing my back, breathing hot air on my ear, and kissing my face. He put his hand on my breast and squeezed. And he also put his hand on my leg and was just sliding it up and down. While it was happening, I remember thinking, this can't be happening again, please make it stop. I didn't wanna be in that position again where I was being abused. I was 11 years old going on 12 the next month. It was July 11, 2001, the day this happened. Him and my sister still live next door. I hope that he never has and never will touch my niece Jackie, which is his daughter. I don't ever want her to go through what I went through or anybody. But unfortunately, it happens. I wish I could do something to change this. I never told my parents or anybody about what happenend to me and still haven't. Sometimes I feel like I want to tell my mom, but it is way to hard to tell her something like this. I think I need counseling or something to help me get past this. Now, I am so depressed, I have started cutting myself. I think about Suicide a lot.

Deep down inside, I know that it shouldn't be my fault because I was the child and they were older than me, 2 of them were the adults. My brother and my other cousin Ricky were old enough to know what they were doing was wrong. No matter what anybody says, I'll always feel like it was my fault in some way or another. I feel like I Could have screamed or at least tried to fight back or anything but I didn't. That's what makes me feel like it's my fault. My brother is 18 now, he still lives with me. His room is right next to mine. Every night when I go to sleep, I pray to god that he doesn't come into my room and touch me or anything. He hasn't done that in years, but I still have that great fear in me. I can't stand being touched by like my dad or I'm giving a hug to a guy or anything. I get so uncomfortable and when I leave I start to cry. I pray to god to just let me go on with my life and live it, and help me get past this. I don't want to have to think about all this everyday, but it'll always be with me till the day I die. Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been different if I had not been raped and abused. I want to let everyone know that have been raped or abused or both that they are not alone. I'm here and have been through the same horrible shit. I wouldn't call myself a survivor yet. I don't know what to call myself though, I don't want to call myself the victim either.

-Leticia

My story is called: A Child Bought In A Man's Bedroom

I can remember something that started seven years ago and endes six years ago. I've only told two very close friends. Now I'll tell you what happened to me between the ages of eleven and twelve.Well, my best friends lived a floor above me , and I'd go up there to chil and have fun with her (and 6 other siblings). So, her mom let a friend live up there with them. His name was Wayne. He was so funny, he made me laugh anytime. I use to love going up ther, it was like my second home. So one day I went up there to see my friend. They all was gone and the only one there was Wayne. So he let me in , and the next thing I know he was tickling so hard that I was on the ground. But, that same time I was being railed in. I was on the floor laughing down and Wayne got up and walked to the door. Then he peeped through the peep hole. I guest he didn't see any one because he came by me and got on top of me. To this day I don't know what I did. So, some knid of way he got me in the back room. When we went in, Wayne closed the door behind us. He gently pushed me against the wall and started to tongue kiss me. He raised my shirt and put his tongue on my breast. After that he started my pants or shorts. Then he turned me face first to the wall. He un-zipped his pants and took one hand and put his penis in my backside. I don't know what went through my mind. I let a grown man bring me to his bedroom and I let him do things to me that I wasn't prepared for. And Didn't do a Damn thing about it, I was so stupid. Damn!!

All I could feel was Wayne. I heared his breath, and I felt him in a away I can't describe. I felt him go through me over and over again, plus I felt a bunch of moisture. I even felt his waste pounding on my backside. I felt so horrable with him. I read that when you have sex lubracation is needed. But he was rapping me, I (think) he made his own. Because after a while it became damp after a while. That went on for a year. He would rape me when some people were in the house, he rape me in that same back room.

I can only remember one date he rapped me on it was my twelf birthday. I only told my bestfriend years later. We were talking on the phone and Wayne came up. She said he use to get her up at night and rape her. I told he what happened to me. She said she sat her mom down and told her. I never told mine yet and I don't think I ever will. So, five years later I was in gym class. My teacher/coach gave us a personal test. One question put a lot on my mind, it was #22. I said:have you been forced to have sex? I put yes (we didn't have to put our names on it), I told my good friend Ashley. After my rape I seen Wayne years later once maybe twice, he acted like nothing happened just like after he raped me.

-Lil Tina

Trazy's Story