Survivor Stories

Dave's Story

I have a small picture of a ship on the ocean that I had drawn for an art contest when I was eight years old. I got awarded grand prize in that art contest. The picture means a lot to me because its the last physical reminder of my life before being tortured and abused as a child.

I went swimming on a warm summer day 2 doors down from our house in the stinking rich neighborhood I lived in. Huge houses some with pools mostly millionaires lived in the neighborhood. I was swimming with the teen "friend" of mine when his mom told him to watch me while she went grocery shopping. What a disaster for me her actions were. As soon as she left, he grabbed me and told me to suck him off. I said no. He locked his legs around my neck and pulled me under water...let me get air..."asked" again...no...back under. I paniced as he held me under longer each time and punched him in the balls. Bam...only through the years since then that I realized he knocked my head against the pool edge and knocked me out.

I remember being dragged from the pool to the basement, stripped, and every sexual act imaginable was done to me. I had five grand mal seizures in one night. I can only guess it was the night of that first vicious attack. God knows how long I floated around in the pool till he dragged me out of there. I was in the hospital for a week and put on drugs to control the seizures. Doctors had to up the dosage because I kept on having seizures for months afterwards. Meanwhile, the abuse continued. How no one in my large family noticed is completely beyond my comprehension. A crab apple in the perps eye ended the abuse some months later. I wish it had taken his eye but unfortunately only caused stitches.

All the negative psychological manifestations of such abuse I have experienced. From drug abuse to promiscuity to perfectionism in my interests of music, education, working out..whatever...been there. My brothers and sisters think I'm disturbed and one brother even wanted me in a mental hospital. For all their reams of college education they are absolutely ignorant. I told my mother when I was 19 and she just asked if I was gay and said she talk to my father (which she never did) and swept the whole subject under the rug. This just killed me. All their religion, money, education and pretense for love is a lie. My mother probably did more damage to me than the perp, I found out my cousin was abused severely by my uncle. In fact, that uncle has abused lots of people including his kids. My cousin is a doctor of psychiatry...guess what? She specializes in helping survivors. She said I'm the most sane person she knows in my whole family. I love her and feel vindicated and affirmed by her for the first time in my life after thirty some years of neglect and minimalization by my parents and siblings. My cousin still suffers too. I heard from one of my therapists that the level of violence I experienced was on the extreme end as far as his twenty years of therapy experience was concerned. I do find myself a little jealous of some others survivors healing but it lets me hope more too. Our oldest daughter was murdered by a jealous and controlling boyfriend seven years ago. He reminds me of what others here write about...power, control and abuse. I'm very tired of not seeing justice. At least eventually God will administer his justice and, for all the suffering survivors experience in this life, I can actually find sympathy for the evil doers who may spend eternity paying for their crimes....but not much considering their cruelty. God help us all.

-Dave

Anonymous's Story

I am still living with this shame. I need to release myself from it, so that's why I'm writing this here.

It's now 10 years but feels like yesterday. I can barely bring myself to repeat what happened to me in words - I've never breathed a word of it to anyone - but after reading all of these stories I understand that it's something you just need to do.

I was the football waterboy for the highschool team - I was actually a few years younger than everyone. I looked up to the coach and the players - they were a great team and I was really proud of being waterboy.

It started with taunts which became sexual in nature after awhile. i was a little fat and they'd make jibes like what's your bra size and do you spit or swallow - I tried to take it on the chin and I was surprised the coach did nothing, actually he joined in.

They started slapping my ass in the changing rooms after training - but nothing more until one day I'll never forget, which is burned in my memory.

One of the guys grabbed me in the showers and this wasn't unusual, but he started to mimic a sexual position with me bending me over and grinding his penis over my ass. I could feel it gettinng a bit hard. Well all the others were cheering him on and then one of them came up to my face and he took his unerect penis and rubbed it around my face and lips. It grew so fast and I couldn't do anything because I was being held from the back by a 200lb football player. They were chants of suck it suck it like a bitch. i thought it must still be a joke. Until that is he told me to open my mouth, which I would not do I said so, but he slapped me suddenly and very hard and said I had no choice in the matter - I was a dirty bitch who deserved a big dick in the mouth.

I was forced to perfrom oral sex on him until he came in my mouth and then another five of them. they held me down on my knees and took their turns in my mouth, some of them pulling out and ejaculating over my face when they'd done. At the end of this ordeal, the rest of them formed a circle around me about 6 or 7 of them an they masturbated themselves and made jibes at me and grabbed what they called my tiities. They all ejaculated on me. i had their semen all over me: my face was completely covered, my hair, dribbling down my back. For the whole time i was in shock and remember seeing from the corner of my eye the coach watching from the door - but at the time I thought i imagined it. he would have surely come in and stopped what they were doing to me. Surely?

How i was wrong. the coach did come in and break it up - when everyone had finished. he told me to shower and clean the cum off me. i did it dazed and just could believe when the coach came up behind me naked. I was going to scream out really loud, but his eyes were almost crazy and I thought better about of it. He was really rough me. He pinned me front down on the floor and raped me incredibly hard - i thought he was going to damage my insides because he pushed his penis so deep inside my butt with all his might - I thought it must bust someting up.

i cannot say anymore. I'm a mess again. More did happen. unbelievable thinngs. One day I will share this

-Anonymous

Ashley's Story

You never expect for it to happen to you. It's something you hear about every now and then, but you never see it coming eventhough the signs are right in front of you. i guess i can start from the beginning. It all started when i was eight years old.

In my family we all grew up having thanksgiving and christmas as a big huge family. I use to love those holidays. You know when the whole family comes down from everywhere that they are from, to all be in one house for a day. Well we use to do that. I remeber this day like it was yesterday eventhough it was about 10 years ago. I will never forgat it.

My mother was in the kitchen helping my grandmothers and great grandmothers and all the cousins with the food. We where suppose to eat in about a hour and a half. My uncle John and I where watching the football game. I remember it was the Cowboys vs the 49ers. And the 49ers where up with 21 to 16. I was so happy because the game was almost over and i knew that they where going to win. My uncle told me to go sit on his lap for good luck. He use to tell me that all the time. But this time it was different. I sat down and there was about 4 minutes left in the game. I remember sitting there and not really noticing what was going on until it was to late. I looked down and saw my uncle move his hand over to my inner thigh from his arm rest. I was wearing the dress my grandmother got me that year for my birthday. It was my favorite dress. It was blue with little flowers on it. At that moment I hated that dress. For the first time in my life. He slide his hand under my dress and started to move his fingers around. All at once he stopped and picked me up. I thought I should say something so I looked at him and asked what was going on and he just looked at me and said, "Don't worry it will be ok."

He took me off to the back room. I remember my grandmother telling me bed time stories in there when I was a few years younger. But I was a big girl know and I didn't get bedtime stories anymore. But I never thought I was going to get what was about to come to me. My uncle pulled my underwear off after he threw me down on the bed. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that if I close them tight enough it will all go away. But it didn't. He started to kiss my neck and put his hands all over my body. I gotso sick to my stomach. It got hard to breath. I just wanted to die. I thought I would pass out from all the pain. But sadly, I didn't. I wanted to scream. When I opened my mouth to tell him to stop he put his hand over my mouth and told me to shut the fuck up. I remember muddering to him, stop uncle John, your hurting me. He took his belt off and hit me with it. You think it would hurt, but I actually didn't feel it. It was like I was numb inside and out. All I could do is put my head back and look at the fan on the celling. I just watched it go around and around and around. Trying my hardest not to move . I was hoping the maybe if I didn't move he would just stop or something. But I was wrong. I kept feeling this sharp pain inside my vagina. I was wondering what was going on. I remember him getting mad at me and saying, "Damn your so sweet and pretty only if you weren't so fucken tight." I didn't know what that ment then and I was kind of glad I didn't. I just kept saying over and over in my head, "Why won't he stop, I thought he loved me, is this the way you treat people you love." I was praying that someone would come in to the room. I was hoping that someone would break in and tear him off me and beat the hell out of him. But no one came.

When he was all done, I asked him what he had done to me. He just looked at me, smiled, and said, "Don't worry about it you will be fine, but if you tell anyone I swear to god I will kill you." I just looked at him in shock. I never heard someone let alone my uncle talk to me like that. I was so scaried. As I was walking out of the room he grabed me down and said, "And even if you tell no one will believe you." That is what scaried me the most. For you see, in my family when I was younger I use to lie to my grandmother all the time if I got caught doing something bad and I knew the second he said that, that they wouldn't believe me even if I did tell.

The next four years of my life where hell. Everytime I went over there I knew what was coming to me. I knew what was waiting for me when my great grandmother went to bed and my aunt(his wife). I lived in fear of all men in the world. When ever my grandpa use to hug me I would move away really fast because I was scaried he would show me the same kind of love my uncle did. But I soon came to relieze that that isn't the way your suppose to love someone. Sadly though there was nothin I could do I was scaried to tell because he would hurt me and I was scaried hat no one would believe me.

Then one day it all the walls came crashing down you could say. We where all together for Easter I believe it was and I was sitting across the table from him and he was just smiling at me, the way he always does and my little cousin Kaycee was sitting next to me. She was about 7 or 8 years old and he looked down at her and smiled he did at me. I didnt know what to do. I looked at her and saw myself. I couldn't let it happen to her too. I had to stop him from hurting her too. I stood up and ran off crying. My mom came after me and asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to tell her there, so she took me for a drive. In the car I remember when I told her. She stopped on this one back road and put her arms around me and started to cry. She said she was so sorry that she didn't notice this whole time and promised it would all be ok.

He went to jail for two years and is now not ever able to live near children all because I said something. I learned from this terrible experience that no one has the right to make you feel the way I felt for so long. And that you are worth more then you know. The only advice I can give anyone is that you can't always stop someone from hurting you, but you can stop yourself from hurting yourself for the rest of your life for something that wasn't your fault. And please remember that it is never, ever your fault. No matter what someone tells you. When you say no it means no. I know that you hear that all the time but it really is true. Trust me I ment it when I said it even though he didn't stop. But he got what was coming to him. And for the rest of his life and mine he will know what he did to me. As will I.

Ashley

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