I was sexually abused by my brother when I was 5 to about 8 years old. He never had intercourse with me but would make me touch him. I don't remember a lot about my childhood and sometimes I'm afraid that as I get older I may remember more about what happened to me. I am getting through depression and have had a very rough life. I don't trust guys or people very easily. I am a Christian and have forgiven my brother. He is now engaged and though I don't like his fiance I am happy for him. I just want to let you know that there is a God and only one God and that He loves and cares for you very much. He has a special plan for each and every one of you. I know many times it seems that if there is a God He couldn't care for you. Well, He can and does. Please, if you want to be free and live a life of joy and freedom find a Christian (not Catholic or Morman ) church, pastor, counselor, friend, or someone who can help you. People do care. Never give up! God is on your side!!!!!

-Anonymous

I don't know, I guess I should just start at the beginning. When I was about 14 I think, i had been abused by a few different people already. One time a friend and I were being watched by this 18 or 19 year old boy my family knew; my parents had gone out for the evening. We pulled out the bed in the couch so we could sleep in front of the TV, and we drifted off while he played video games. I woke up a little later, and he was lying between us; he had a finger inside me, and I don't know what he was doing to my friend. I don't remember very clearly, I think I squirmed and he left me alone. I was eleven. About a year later I was at a friend's house, and her two older brothers and their cousin were watching us. They ranged in age from 19 to 22. We were playing Truth or Dare, something that is still a trigger to me. I was dared to walk around the house with no shirt on, and my friend was egging me on, so I complied; I still remember the youngest guy scrambling to the lightswitch in each room. Stupid. We went back upstairs,and after a few more truths and dares from the rest, I was dared to strip dance to that Aerosmith song Dream On, and then do a spread. I didn't even know what spread meant. After a while of refusing, the guys started to threaten to spit hockers into my ears. Like it would have been so bad. So I did what they wanted and my friend told me what a spread was and so I eventually did that too, but only for a second. This pissed the guys off, they wanted to see more. I kept resisting and then one of them got up on the bed and held my legs apart so the others could see between them. One of the others got up and sat beside me and started rubbing me and putting his fingers into me. I didn't even do anything, just stared at his hands between my legs. They kept asking if it felt good and and I'd say I didn't know,it felt weird. Th one who was rubbing me pushed me down on my back and was trying to fuck me, I could feel (can still feel)his penis, and his fingers around it trying to get inside. The oldest guy said to quit, that that was enough, to leave me alone. He did, I was so grateful, I put my clothes back on and my friend had just been sitting there watching. I was not mad at her then because I didn't know to be, and now I definitely am not. See, a couple years later I was looking thru some old family pictures, and her uncle had been a friend of my parents for years, and still is though I never see him. Anyway, he was in a picture with me and my brother. Something about the way his hand was positioned on my leg made me freak out. I lied down and was numb, then I was six years old, and playing barbies in my room. He came in, and was tickling me. Then he pulled off my skirt, and wrapped a huge weightlifter's arm around my body and shoved two thick disgusting meaty fingers inside me. iwas bleeding and screaming and crying, and he said to shut the hell up and clean up the mess, and I threw away the bloodsoaked underwear and fell asleep, and had no memory of it til i saw that photo. It's the hardest experience to cope with b/c it has never seemed real. Last year I was raped for real. this older couple (30's) had recently been married, and they invited a gay guy friend of mine over and he invited me. We live in southeastern Ohio, the couple lived in a trailer park, and had 4 random kids over, who were all asleep when I got there. We sat around and drank and got high, and snorted some coke, and soon enough it was 4 in the morning and I was in no condition to drive myself home. The woman invited me to sleep in her bed, and gave me some clothes. I immediately passed out. I was not by any means wasted, probably only had 5 beers. I woke up and it was still dark out, and I was sooo tired, but her husband was carressing my neck, I could feel his facial hair;telling me I was pretty, and groping my breasts, and trying to slip his fingers between my legs. He was actually a pretty timid guy. I wriggled and he left me alone. I fell back aleep. When I woke the second time, he was on top of me, on my legs, pinning them and eating me out. He was looking at my face when I opened my eyes, then put his head back down. His wife was sleeping beside me and i still do not know why i didn't wake her. He said will you suck my dick, Adrienne?said my name, and i could only shake my head. He stood up walked over to my face and started masturbating in front of it. He said you will to, and grabbed my jaw with a thumb and held it open while he thrust himself into my godamned tonsils. I started to whimper (feeble weak little fucking me, can't even get a decent "NO,STOP!" out) and his wife woke up, and glared at him, grabbed his arm and pulled him back into bed. I was so upset, and wanted to leave, and looked for my clothes, but I couldn't find them. Eventually I curled up naked at the foot of the bed because there was nothing else I could do. The last time I woke up, he was behind me, spooning around me, and hehad his dick between my legs, just rubbing me with it. He realized I was awake, and covered my mouth with one calloused hand, and guided himself into me with the other. He only got a few good thrusts, as a minute later one of the little kids walked in wanting a soda or something. I lied there for a minute, then spotted my clothes in a heap and dressed and woke my friend. Then that prick asked me to go to the store for him, get him some cigarrettes, and there was no way to say no without freaking out all those kids, and myfriend didn't know, so I just did it. Sorry this is so long, but now that I've started typing, it feels good to get it out. The next day I told my best friend and she went to the police with me, and Iknew that because i was on drugs, and never said the word 'no', and scrubbed my cunt raw that rape would not hold up, so i didn't tell anyone everything. I didn't even press charges, because my parents blamed me for it, said I was drunk, and that pressing charges would only bring me more trouble. A few months later I was at the bar and a friends dad who frequented it was there, shitfaced. I wasn't having the best time so I offered to drive him home. We walked down to his parking lot (he's a lawyer)and then he told me to follow him. I was unfamiliar with this part of town, and trusted him because I knew him. we had to walk thru his office to get to the car he said. He's really obese, and had to sit down for a minute, so i sat too and rolled a cigarrette. He started talking about my tits, how nice they were, he was asking me to show him. andi said no and no and no, but he wouldn't quit. i said ill show you if we can leave. and as soon as i did he was on me tore my shirt strap, he was so big. I escaped him and was like 'what the fuck, Jim, leave me alone, don't touch me, I just wanna go' he said okay and led me to what i thought was the door out, said 'open it' and i walked into a big conference room with no exit in sight and this huge drunk man standing in the doorway. he told me he'd always imagined having sex on the table, and before i could voice my disgust he'd grabbed my arms and bent me overand was grinding his hips on my butt. i was face down on the conference table and then he let me up. he was still holding my arms and slurred that if i knew what was good for me i'd get on my knees.he was pushing down on my shoulders and finally crying i got down on my knees and sucked this fat fuck's dick, and he told me we could leave, and i ran out to his car and was driving him home, and when i got there a bunch of my friends from the bar were hanging out. I looked like a mess, and Jim's son asked what was wrong and i started crying again, and said your fucking dad i s a prick and he was walking by so i punched him in the back as hard as i could. he started to make fun of me and i borrowed my friends van so i could find my boyfriend.i fell into his arms and he went back and gave Jim shit for hours while i sat out back getting high.Then we went home.

I am so sorry this is so long, but it been coming back lately, it always does in the cold weather, and I needed to vent to someone besides my friends. The worst part about being abused is that now it's the only thing i can get off on. Maybe it's just me, but that's what tears me up the most and if anyone else feels it I have got to find them; it's crushing me. There are no fantasies of romance, only of being little and helpless and ashamed. It's sick, but i have found no other release, and no psych that gets it.

I am nineteen years old now, i have been with a loving and supportive boyfriend for 3 and a half years, I am going to school to become a surgeons assistant, which is pretty cool so far. I am strong, and I don't cry very much, and this shit haunts me daily, but i look past it. It will go away. PLEASE write if you feel compelled, I've got no one here to understand me. I think maybe having some friends online will help. Thank You

Adrienne

Angela's Story