Susie's Story
Susie's Story
Dear Everyone,
I've realized that every time I become involved in a new relationship with a man, I suddenly have a huge desire to tell him about what happened to me when I was 17. I have been through years of counseling with three different counselors. I still continue to confront tremendous feelings of guilt and self-loathing when I get involved with a new person and I confront the fact that I need to tell them about my rape.
I am an extremely attractive woman, and find no trouble dating and attracting the men that I want to date. I am 25, am a graduate of NYU where I studied Feminist threory and literature of marginalized communities, I have a Master's degree in Education and am a high school English teacher. I am an athlete, and a showing painter, and a poet. I've traveled all over the world.
And still, I keep returning to that day, and there continues to be so much pain. When I expressed this to a friend who I trust recently, she suggested that I get some counseling. I felt so upset about this because I have done so much in this area. And right now I need to say that I need to find another way for myself, and I think that way is allowing the experience to not be hidden from others.
When I meet a man and decide that I like him I start to feel afraid that he will not be able to love me because of what happened. I am afraid that I will not be able to maintain the relationship and to trust because of what happened, because of who I was when I was raped.
I was 17 and working as a cocktail girl in a jazz club, illegally. I went out with a man who came into the club. He took me on a trip to Toronto by car and bought me tons of stuff. He gave me a bottle of champagne and I drank it while we drove around in his car. When I was drunk he pulled into a parking garage and said he wanted me. He asked me to go to a hotel room and I went. When we got there I realized where I was. I asked him to get a condom and he left the room to get one. I still feel bad that I didn't run away. I forgive myself and realize that I was partially curious and in a cycle of self-inflicted violence. I also realize that I was totally niave to his intentions, to the idea that he had planned things to go that way. When he came back he put the condom on an had sex with me but very violently. I felt like he might crack my back they way that he was holding me. He dropped me off at my house afterwards and I didn't tell anyone for a year. I fell in love two weeks later and never mentioned it to him because in some way I think I really didn't know. I went through PTSD in New York and didn't know what was going on. I got into counseling and started to give it all air.
And now it's seven years later and I keep wondering when I will stop feeling this way. I keep wishing that I didn't have to tell the person that I am with this story because I feel like a burden. That fact tells me that I still feel this tremendous guilt as if it is my fault, and as if it is still happening. Today I feel that it is still happening.
So today I'm making a new promise for myself. I am going to check in with myself everyday, even on the good days, days when I have forgotten. And everyday I am going to let myself feel whatever pain is there around this, and I am going to let it out, and everyday I am going to say a prayer for all women, for all people.
Love,
Susie
Sage's Story
My dad started touching me when i was three. actually he had me touch him first and then after a few times started touching me. i dunno, i was scared cause the only interaction i had with him other times was if he was hitting me for something, usually he was pretty drunk; but after a couple times i liked it cause he was nicer to me then and someone was actually paying attention to me. after a bit he started doing things that hurt more so i didnt like it much. when i was 5 he brought in a couple of other guys on different occassions. one mightve been for money and one mightve been like a trade off of daughters or something, but im not sure bought those really, i just heard one of them say i was better at giving head than his daughter was. when i was 8 my dad was really drunk and hit me with a golf club and i couldnt move after it for a while, and was peeing and puking blood and stuff, and for a few weeks wasnt movin around very much i think was the first time he actually raped me. i dont remember it very well though. i think one of the guys had tried when i was 5 but i was too small and he couldnt fit. i guess 8 was a bad year cause thats when he broke my arm with a 2x4, and when one of my friends dads started touching me too. when i was 9 my aunt touched me but it was only that one time cause i never really see her. thats pretty much how things went till i was 13 and went to boarding school for a year, that was the end of the sexual stuff. there was still a lot of physical and psychological and neglect stuff going on but i moved out last year so now they just try playing head games with me. a lot of this is foggy meomories so im not so great with the details, and i left out all kinds of details but thats basically how things were. now i cant sleep cause i have constant nightmares, and when people ask me about my past i either freeze up or make up some lies for them. i used to like to burn myself (maybe inspired from the times he held my hadn on the stove?) but i dont do that much anymore. ive come close to suicide lots of times but always end up wussing out. none of this matters. nothing matters anyways.
-Sage
Carmella's Story
I am a victim of incest, but have survived thanks to God and therapy. When I was 17, my mother died of breast cancer, and since she raised my brother and myself alone, I had nowhere to go, except to live with Angelo, my older brother who is 10 years older than me. So I moved into my brother's apartment, but I had to sleep on the couch because he only had one bedroom. Everything was ok for about 6 months until his girlfriend Lisa left because she didn't think she could live with me and take me everywhere-I admit, I was a bit spoiled. When Lisa left, Angelo said I could sleep in his room and I agreed. I didn't think there was anything wrong with this, because when we were younger, we used to sleep together. However, a month after my 18th birthday, he started touching me in bed, rubbing his front against my backside and holding me very close and tightly. I thought he was sleeping or having a dream, so I went to sleep on the couch. The next night, I was asleep when I woke to find him having sex with me. It hurt so much-I had been a virgin-and tried to get him off me, but he was really strong and I gave up. I was so ashamed, but he told me this was his way of saying he loved me. I didn't believe him, but let him continue to have sex with me because I was afraid to tell anyone. Finally, I decided after 6 weeks since the rape that I had to tell and went to a counselor at my high school. My brother was not allowed to see me after that and I went to therapy sessions for a couple months. I am now 19 and go to college and share an apartment with a friend. Because of what has happened to me, I'm hesitant to form a relationship with any guy, but someday it will come to pass. I'm sorry for this being so long, but thanks for reading this. CARLA
-Carmella
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