Anonymous's Story
Anonymous's Story
I was raped while I was away for the summer in New Jersey. I was at a party with 2 other coworkers and was having a pretty good time, I'm kind of a competitive girl and so when the guys were playing a drinking game... well I had to show them what I was made of. I did, I kicked their asses in the game. While doing this I became a friend of this guy named Pete. He and I were joking around and he said he was pretty trashed and he wanted to know if I was b/c he didn't want to be the only one who was drunk. I said "No, I'm NOT drunk" he said something to the effect of getting me somemore to drink and well I couldnt pass up a beer.
A little while had passed when I need to go to the bathroom pretty bad. I asked Pete where the bathroom was and he told me nicely that he would show me where the bathroom was...well being from MN I trusted him and didn't think of this as a big deal. He showed me the upstairs bathroom and I went in quickly to go. I looked up and saw him standing at the door with it closed behind me. I quickly said, "I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM!!" and he said, "OH, don't worry I hafta go too." I said okay. Not thinking anything was wrong.
He went to the bathroom while I politely waited. The next thing I new he had me against the wall and started to kiss me. At first I didn't think and kissed back then realized what I was doing. This was wrong b/c I was seeing someone. I moved away, barely standing b/c I had consumed so much alcohol, to the other wall and there he was again. I don't know how but by that time he already had my shirt off, I moved to the other wall and the next thing I new I was trapped between the toilet and the wall... which is NOT a very big space.
My pants had somehow come undone and he decided to start pressing himself against me. I don't know how I ended up on the floor but my head was pressed against the bottom of the door. I remember just laying there not moving, I don't remember his face. He entered me and began to rape me, I remember the feeling of everything while also remembering feeling like I wasn't even there. I don't think he even looked at me.
Soon I heard my friend calling my name and that's when he covered my mouth and said, " Be quiet! " I was quiet... but I grabbed for the bottom of the door and had a grip on the door so my fingers were visable from the other side. Someone started yelling that they thought someone was "gettin' it on in the bathroom " He told me to get up and "put this on" as he threw my clothes at me. I put them on and then ran out of the bathroom, down the stairs and out the door. I ran down the street crying. My friends grabbed me and it took 5 or more people to get me back into the house.
After the attack, I was numb. I felt worthless but covered it up by joking around with the nurse that my friends forced me to see at Somerset Hospital. I am now paying just about $2,000 in bills b/c of the rape and I am currently working 3 jobs to pay for it while going to school to be a teacher. Needless to say I'm have not been able to pay a cent b/c I don't have any money after other bills and the insurance didn't cover much at all.
I learned my lesson.
I don't drink anymore, besides a few here and there. I have panic attacks where I get uncontrollable twitches and quick breaths. I "see" it happen again sometimes when there are words spoken that remind me. I was independent and outgoing before this and now it is difficult to pretend I am okay for my friends. I can't go to any large party, I always lock the door of the bathroom, I don't like males in the bathroom with me, I feel very alone and isolated. I feel as no one will understand. I am very alone right now. I can't be intamite with anyone if they have alcohol on their breath or have had anything to drink. I purposely avoid places and have lost contact with some friends b/c I dont' go out to party, if I am intamite with someone I have to be able to see his face and hear his voice.
I have turned to God for help, I pray often and go to church. I might be joining a support group and I also might be joining a group to educate high school students about the effects of alcohol and sexual assault, etc. As for other things that help... I dont really have much to help, I dont know what to do to feel 'normal' again.
Sorry this was so long. Thank you for reading it.
I don't know if I can do this, it seems so hard to share something so painful, an experience i would rather forget but i feel i need to 'cut the ties that bind'. Here goes.... My name is Laura and i am 21 years old, i am from Ireland and live with my mother and sister. I used to enjoy going out to nightclubs and bars, hanging out with friends really. One night everything changed, my world was turned on it's head. It was January 2001, i was 18 and it was a friends birthday, we all decided to go to a popular club, i was happy, carefree and enjoying the night with my friends, i had a lot to drink which i know i should'nt of but i did'nt know what was about to happen. I was dancing with my best mate and this guy came over and we started to dance with eachother, he seemed really nice. He kissed me and i let him, i kissed him back. When the song was over he took my hand and brought me to the back booth in the club, i did'nt think anything of it, i feel so stupid now when i think back, anyway we sat down and he kissed me again, i kissed him too it was okay i did'nt mind until he put his hand under my skirt and started touching me, i asked him to stop and tried to pull his hand away, i could'nt and he kept kissing me, he leaned on me and i fell back on the couch. I asked him to stop and said no but he just looked at me, i could'nt believe what was happening. He put one hand over my mouth and his other hand was inside me and i kept screaming, i could'nt make him stop, i tried and the only thing i could think to do was to bite his hand, i did'nt mean to make him angry or to hurt him, i thought if he knew how much i wanted him to stop that he would, but he just got very angry and he shouted at me, hit me with the back of his hand, opened his jeans and pushed inside me, over and over again. I was in shock, it was'nt happening, i kept telling myself that.I was saying 'no'and trying to push him off me but he was too heavy, i could'nt fight him, it hurt so much, emotionally as well as physically. I wish now that i fought harder, did something to make it stop, i hate myself for letting him hurt me like that. It happened almost three years ago and i still have nightmares, i can still smell, hear and see him, i just want to make it go away. I have only told my therapist, my friends and family do not know, I don't want to be known as a rape 'victim'. I was a virgin, he was my first and since my rape i have'nt let another man near me, i am too anxious when i am alone with men. I do not go out much these days and am uncomfortable in crowds. I hate with that man made me, i was confident, happy and fun-loving now i am the opposite he took that away from me. I am trying to talk during counselling but find it hard to express myself, i have an eating disorder and i self harm, i HATE what me made me become and i hate ME for letting him make me this way. Anyway i thank you for being me listeners it is the first time i have spoken about that night, and i feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest, thank you.
-Laura
Carolyn's Story
In the Spring of 1994, it will be the 10th year anniversary of my rape. The perpetrator was my estranged husband.
One could argue my fault in the matter. We were still living in the same house though I'd asked him to move out - he could move to the ship at least. I had the couch, he had the bedroom.
I was horny. Maybe it wasn't smart, but we were still married afterall and going to get counseling to try to stay together. I asked him for sex. He obliged.
So there we were, having sex, when he said "I want to fuck you in the ass." "No," I said. "I don't want that."
"I do," he replied. "No," I repeated.
"Too bad, I'm going to do it anyway."
"No!" I said as he rolled me over. He had always been stronger than me.
I fought. I lost. I didn't scream because I didn't want to alarm the children.
He washed up, satisfied, and went downstairs to go about his day. I went to the shower and cried. And cried. After the shower, I cried some more. The kids noticed and asked my mother (who was staying with us to help) why I was crying.
I don't know what she answered.
I kicked him out that day.
Some weeks later, I reported the incident on the advice of my counselor, to help me heal. I reported to the Navy Family Services Center. The response was that if it were actually a crime, if it had happened, I would have reported it immediately to the police. Since I didn't, the report was put aside as "another vengeful soon-to-be-ex-wife" being cruel.
Now and then I think of what I could have done to save the marriage. Wishing I'd done something different, after all, he really wasn't that bad.
Then I remember this. The basis of his personality. He puts other people down to make himself feel better. He is a rapist.
And I was raped.
I have resolved a lot of issues with this. Sometimes it seems minor when compared to what my father did. Yet, while my father loved me (he was mentally ill and what he did was wrong (sexually abused me), no doubt - but he did love me as best he could) the rape came out of violence, anger and even hatred.
This man, my ex-husband, has my children and will until they are each 18 years old. I am glad that I at least had them all their early years, enough for them to see now, by their own admission and observations, that the way their father is, is not the way they want to be. Perhaps it helps, too, that he married a dominant woman, and now gets to be the little submissive boy for her. I just try not to think about that. My children are well, happy and smart. And safe.
One day I may convince myself of that last one.
One day, I may even convince myself that I am over the rape. That I do not still fear violence.
Every time my mother talks about sex in a disgusted manner, every time she mentions what my father did, every time she questions my sexual orientation, sexual habits, or why I didn't tell anyone... I feel assaulted. My sex is not to be shared with anyone I don't choose to share it with, and I certainly don't choose to share it with her. It makes me feel unclean again, disgusted with myself and my body, angry that I was powerless and am still powerless to stop these ongoing assaults.
All I know to do is to talk about it. To stand up and say "I am a survivor of incest and rape." And hope that some day, I will stop feeling attacked.
--Carolyn
Copyright © 2002
