MMW's Story
MMW's Story
This is a very long story, please bear with me. My earliest memories of being abused begin at age 3 or 4. I was staying at a babysitter's house. I have no idea where my parents were. They left me & my little sister there. I remember that the woman would make me lie on my stomach in the play pen and make me stretch my arms down the length of my body & if they didn't reach far enough she would beat me with a black leather strap. I don't remember what else she did, but she did starve me. My grandmother & her mother came over one to see us. I was in the back seat of a car. My great-grandmother saw me & said hi. My grandmother said "Who's that?" Her mom looked at her & said "That's M" My grandmother said no that's a little boy. She was aghast at my appearance. I had short hair like a boy's & I was very malnourished. I had bruises all over me. The next time she came over I was in the play pen. I saw her & she saw me & came over to pick me up. The babysitter said "leave her alone, she can get out herself!" So I proceeded to climb over the pen & fell down & slipped right out of my undies. My grandmother scooped me up & left with me & later went back for my sister. Not long after that I was in a foster home. I had a kidney infection but nobody knew, & so I wet the bed. As punishment, my foster mother would make me get in the bathtub & make me hold my face under the cold running water. Or she would fill the tub with cold water, make me get in & lie down. She or her husband would then take my feet & swish me back & forth in the tub so that the water would cover my face. I started getting severe migraine headaches. Finally, I went to live with my parents again. My dad was mean & abusive. He smoked & drank. I remember that we were living with these people. One day I noticed some crumbs on the table, so I got a spoon & proceeded to scrape the crumbs off with the spoon. Well, the woman saw me & told me to go tell my dad what I had done. I got real scared. I went into the living room where my dad was, watching baseball, smoking & drinking beer. After I told him, he grabbed my hair by the roots which caused me to have to walk on the tips of my toes, & he took me out to the garage. He locked it. Then he took off his belt, pulled my pants & undies down. I don't remember much after that. I woke up with a fat lip. My mom said he dropped me or threw me as hard as he could on my head. I still have scars on my buttocks. All for scraping crumbs off the table with a spoon. After awhile my dad left us. The my mom let an Apache Indian move in with us. He would line me & 2 sisters up everyday after school in the bedroom and spank us. We hadn't done anything wrong but that's what he did. My mom was somewhere in the house. She never did anything to stop him. He slapped me real hard once for slurping. One day he, my mom & I were in the kitchen. I said "I love you mommy." He said "Stop telling her you love her. She knows you do!" I looked at her to see what she would say. She said nothing, didn't even look at me. At that point the natural love & affection I had for her left me. I was hurt beyond words to describe. During that time my brother & his friend discovered the game "doctor" and would practice on me. I didn't like it but I would let them. Finally the man left us. Skip foward to age 9. I was molested by a 14 yr. old boy. He gave me 2 hickies. My babysitter took a spoon and proceeded to scrape them off my neck. Spoons and I don't get along. Boy did that hurt, too! At age 15 I gave my virginity to a 20 yr. old mexican Indian. The pain was excruciating. And so it was the 2nd time three months later, same guy, same horrible pain. 4 years later I met a Jordanian. He had green eyes. They were beautiful. One day he forced a kiss on me. I should have stopped seeing him then but I didn't. One day he took me to his apartment. His cousin was asleep on the floor in the living room so we went into his bedroom. There were some women's clothing on his bed. Hmm, suspicious! He laid down on the bed and patted it. I sat on the edge of the bed. I did not want to have sex with him, but I knew he wanted to. Before I knew what was happening he had grabbed my arm, pulled me over to him, had me on my back & my pants down. I just froze. Then he entered me. He covered my mouth with his so I wouldn't scream. He had my arms pinned over my head. I remember thinking "this is it? this is what rape is? It's just some man sticking his penis into me." Then he began to suck on my nipples. I felt nothing. Finally he was done. He ejaculated into his hand. I sat up. I looked at the phone. I wanted to call the police, but obviously I couldn't. We went into the living room. His cousin was awake. I was quiet, trying to figure out what just happened. Soon he grabbed my arm again and took me into the bedroom and raped me again. Then he had his cousin take me home. I felt like a slut. When I got home I went straight to bed. I wondered if I should take a shower because that's what other rape victims did. My nipples felt weird, I felt grossed out by them. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel, or even what, about the rapes. I never told anybody. When I was 24 I worked as a security officer in a huge mall construction site. One Sunday afternoon, I was driving in the patrol car and noticed this young mexican walking across the lot. I stopped to tell him that he had to leave. He said OK. I drove away. When I came back around he was still there, sitting down. I forgot what excuse he gave me of why he was still there, so I told him to hop in and I would drive him over to the uderpass. So I'm driving along and I notice that he is unbuttoning his pants. I didn't think anything about it. I pulled up to the bridge and stopped. He just sat there. I said "What are you waiting for?" He said "YOU!" He grabbed my neck , pulled his penis out and told me to suck it. He smelled and tasted horrible. Then he told me to take off my clothes and get in the back seat. There he raped me. Then he got out of the car and told me to get out. So I did. While he was distracted I started to run as fast as I could. I was terrified. He caught me. He took me over to this field. He told me to lie down. He told me to suck him again. Then he put his tongue in me. After that he got on top of me and started raping me again. He started kissing me, and got mad when I didn't kiss him back. So I kissed him back. Finally he was done and he told me to get up, that it was time for me to go to sleep. We went over a little ways to where there were some big rocks. He made my lie down on my stomach. He picked up a huge rock, and brought it down real hard on my head. All the air went out of my body, it was like I just deflated. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. He must have thought I was dead, because he put the rock down and casually walked away. After a few minutes I got up and walked back to the car. I didn't look back. I noticed blood dripping down onto my right breast. At the hospital, the doctor put two stitches in my head. She said the wound could have been worse if my hair wasn't as thick as it is. I couldn't wait to get home and take a shower. I was dirty inside and out. I could still smell him on me, my hand. The doctor told me not to wash my hair tho'. Use a dry shampoo. That stuff doesn't work! This all happened 8 years ago, Sept. I have never had any nightmares or flashbacks concerning that day. But I do have one trigger, and that's when a man starts messing with his pants button or belt buckle. I get nervous and have to look away.
-MMW
Nikki's Story
I was dating my boyfiend for 6 months and we broke up. I cared alot for him and i still wanted to be friends. We still talked and would go out together but not like dates. One night after we went out he forced hisself on me. he put my arms above my head and held me down until he was finish and than he left. I felt so ashamed afterwards even thought it wasn't my fault.He called the next day and said that he was sorry. Like sorry could excuse it. I couldn't understand how i could not see that he was like that. I never told anyone.
-Nikki
Karen's Story
I need help I was raped and I am losing my husband because I feel so guily that I can't have sex with him I feel like a failure. I Love him so much he is really good to me I just can't give him what a wife needs to give her husband.
I know he understands and is here to try and help me I just feel like it is so unfair to let him suffer when he could go out and find him someone who will be able to give him what he needs, Like sex and being able to go out into public places. Since my rape I have been very uncomfortable going out in public places. SO I have let him go so that he may find happiness, however I feel so sad and empty. I Love him so much it hurts but he is so much better off without me.
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