Julia's Story
Julia's Story
Thought i should put that first, as i have been scanning through these stories trying to find one similar to mine, and not many seem to be.
I remember the first time he ever touched me, i think i was about 7 or 8. I told my mum what he did, and he denied, mum told me to stop telling stories...Thats when i realised this was a secret.
My case feels unique, although im sure its not. In a way i wish i could say that it was violent, that i was forced to do things, that i had no choice, but this is not the case.
My father has always been a well respected man, had a good job, nice house, and everyone liked him.
Up until that day he was a perfect father, i was the only daughter so i was a real "daddy's girl", he was my everything, i adored him. The stupid thing is...i still do. that is what everyone cannot understand, dont think i even understand it myself, which makes me angry.
Things started off as just occasional touching, usually in the car. I think my mum must have suffered from some kind of obssessive compulsive disorder because she had a cleaning obsession. After we had been shopping she would spend ages cleaning every item in the house on her own, putting everything away methodically while i stayed in the car with my dad.
He would touch me "down there", and the stupid thing is i didnt mind, i even quite enjoyed it at the time, which is the biggest thing that disturbs me to this day as i feel immense guilt for not saying no.
Things developed over time, and one day he drove me to a park in a little viilage. We were in the car and he asked me to take off my knickers and sit on his lap.
He tried to have sex with me, but couldnt fit it in. I was too underdeveloped for sex, i was about 10 yrs old.
The touching and game playing carried on for years, One time he tried to finger me, and all i remember was the intense burning pain i felt. It was the first time anything had ever been inside me, and i tried to push his hand away.
Eventually when i was about 13 i wised up to the situation and started to say no. He offered me money to let him do things to me, think it was about £2 to feel my breasts and more to go further. I said no, but felt incredibly guilty for saying no.
I felt so confused by all this, that i did turn quite promiscuous for a while, i would have sex with anybody, and had various one night stands.
I also faked appendicitus when i was 13 as i felt i had to punish myself, i saw it through all the way, and was admitted to hospital with "stomach pains" and had my appendix removed. I was in hospital for a few days, but i didnt feel like i had suffered enough.
I turned to bulimia for a while, but i still didnt feel like that was enough either.
I spent one day digging my nails into my arm as hard as i could, and that helped for a while, but im quite a baby as far as blood in concerned so i gave up on that too.
Through all this i felt a failure, and i still do.
Im desperate for affection from anybody, and still strive to please my parents to this day.
Im at a situation now where i taped him admitting what he did on tape, and showed my brother and mum, and although they now believe me, they are standing by him still, and my mother hardly speaks to me.
I have never had counselling, but am going to try and start.
Woull welcome any emails from anyone who understands..
i was 13 when i realized i had no friends. prayed for god to send me a friend, or a boyfriend, whom i could love and share closeness with,
god sent me mike. for about three months it was all smooching and cuddling and laughing. good times. he was a little bad ass but mostly had come from an abusive family himself. He pressured me for sex fromt he beginning. at first he would force his fingers in me, to break me in, he would say. I was afraid of him, he was the tough guy at school. seemed serious at age 13. I held out until we had been together nine months, when he finally just forced me to, by putting his hand over my mouth and telling me not to make noise. after that he forced me to alot, over a year or so. eventually my responses became robotic. I would perform my task rather than put up with consequences.
then i learned to do other things to please him, and then he wouldnt be interested in hurting me, becuase id have pleased him already. sick.
he was very mentally manipulative and abusive. right before i turned 15 i tried to kill myself. i went to a psych ward where i was away from him long enoght to realize i felt better without him.
i went to a psych for around 6 months but I never said anything in my therapy. I think I went numb then.
raped again at a guys house at age 21. was supposed to get a music lesson from him. he wouldnt let me leave. he wouldnt stop smothering me with himself. suddenly the robot respnse hit me. i just gave in. i couldnt fight anymore. i started having nightmares about mike at that time, plus the new guy. then I really went numb. that is when i think i messed up all my friendships because i couldnt tell anyone and I became a zombie mask wearer...
Now at 25 it starts pouring out of me one day. I realize i am not comfortable with sex like i should be. I began crying in the ob office when fitted for a diaphragm. I cringe when my lover reaches to touch me. I hate what this hass done to me.
-Me's Story
I remember the night I was raped... It was February 15,2003 at 2am in the morning. I didn't even know Shawn or anything about him. So the asshole comes into my house and raped me. The pain....I still hurt so badly. I wish it would all go away. -Lacey
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