Survivor Stories

Michael's Story

I am a man in his late 30s who in the past month after over 4 years of therapy remembers sexual abuse at the age of about 5. I have this OVERWHELMING desire to tell the world about my pain.

My Uncle used to take me fishing in his boat and we would be miles out to sea and he started sexually abusing me. My choice was to jump into the water and get eaten by sharks or endure this horrific abuse. The feeling of being trapped has always been strong in me. My Uncle was such a nice man and I remember his smiling face and teeth.

I recall being in the shed with him and again feeling trapped while he was on his hands and knees performing oral sex on me. This is actually my first memory. I started getting flashes of his face and then the memories began.

I've hardly slept in the past 2 months and my bed and bedroom terrify me. I'm not sure why yet.

My Uncle had a fruit and vegetable delivery service and I can recall sitting in the back of his old green van drinking a bottle of coke as the weather was very hot. Next thing I recall is him trying to penetrate me but with no luck. He then shoved and rotated the coke bottle up me and I can feel the excruciating pain now. I now recall him penetrating me and me messing myself.

I've been very suicidal of late. I have not been able to work in a long time and am very agoraphobic.

There is much more I want to say but I am weary of it all. I also have a dissociative disorder which is finally being worked on in therapy.

To anyone who has been abused as a child my heart goes out to you. Take care of that inner child and give him/her the love and nuturing they deserve.

-Michael

's StoryAmbivalence

I would like to get rid of that feeling of betrayal. Feeling I have betrayed myself. Feeling of being guilty. I could have said no. Or could I? At last, someone was touching my skin, touching my body. At last, someone was caring about me, noticing me... I should have said no. I should have said NO! I should have understood the repercussions this tacit agreeing would have on my life. I should have said no. Feelings of helplessness. Unable to stand my ground! I should have said no. Heart-tearing choice between losing the little bit of warmth this contact made me feel and losing my innocence. I should have said no. If I had known. If only I had known! Mommy! Where were you? Where were you when I needed your warmth, your soothing touch? Daddy! Daddy... who were you? I never really got to know you. Pain. Tearing through me. Suffering. These are the fruits I reap today and that I must, somehow, transform into healthy, happy, wholesome fruits. Can anyone tell me how?

-Ambivalence

Cat's Story Hey my name is Cat I am 14 years old right now i didnt really get raped. but when i was little this guy named jeff would always come home with my mom when shed been out drinking Id sleep in her bed becuz it made me fall asleep. then when id wake up my mom would be on the side of me smelling of beer and whisky and the guy jeff would be on the other side. He would always have his hand in my underwear and id get up and move id start crying i went to lay on the couch and hed come to he would get lotion and try to rub it on my Virgina area and say it would make it feel better and i would cry and say leave me alone this happend many times but still i never told my mom I told one person and that was this gurl named Lisa she told me to tell my mom but i said i couldnt i wad afraide she wouldnt beleave me or she would blame it on me i am 14 years old now and from time to time i think about telling my mom but i think that sense it was a long time ago theres nothing she can do and besides im afraid to tell her but sense im older i no that i will be able to do something about it if it ever happens agin but i dont think it will.. i am happy now and nevre really think of it but i do think of what if he would of took it further but im happy he didnt I would like to say sorry to all the people that have gotten raped and that they should take a stand and tell some1 i didnt but i believe that theres other people out there there that have the guts

Cat

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