Colleen's Story
Colleen's Story
hi i am Colleen and i am 18 and a survivor. it happened when i was 17 and i was watching my cousin's apartment for her while she was on vacation. i was staying alone in the city for the first time and i really wasn't up on how much you have to watch out for some people. i was riding the subway back to the apartment and a tall nice looking black guy about 25 said something to me about some sheet music that i was carrying. we chatted for about 5 minutes and he seemed really nice. then i got off at my stop and started walking to the apartment building.
when i got to the building and unlocked the outside door, the guy i had chatted with in the subway was behind me. he said, "oh you live here too?" and smiled and held the door open for me. i thought it was just a big coincidence and i started chatting with him some more while i went in the elevator and then walked to the apartment door. when i unlocked the apartment door i said goodbye and i turned to go inside, but he suddenly pushed in behind me and got into the apartment. i tried to yell but he immediately punched me really hard in my stomach and it knocked the breath out of me and i couldn't yell at all. i fell to the floor and he got down next to me and put a knife to my face and told me that if i tried to yell again he would cut me up. i was shaking and still couldn't say much because i could barely breathe.
he pulled me up by my arm and made me walk with him around the apartment, i guess to check out if any one else was there. he was whispering in my ear how he was going to make this a night to remember for me and fondling my breasts under my tank top while we were walking. i couldn't believe this was happening. when we got to the bedroom he threw me on the bed nad then he pulled my clothes off me. i wasn't wearing much cause it was summer and very hot that day so it was pretty easy for him to pull my shorts and top and under things off. when i was naked and laying on my back he got on the bed and took a belt from my bathrobe that had been on the bed and tied my wrists together over my head. he then started trying to make me let him kiss me, but i was crying. he told me to stop crying and kiss him back if i knew what was good for me so i tried my best not to cry and i let him put his tongue inside my mouth as he kissed me. he started sucking my breasts and squeezing them and putting his finger inside my vagina.
i wasn't a virgin cause i had just had sex for the first time all the way with my boyfriend like two weeks before the rape. he kept on fingering my vagina until it was getting wet and easier to slide his finger in and out of it and he took his finger and showed me that it was wet. he made me suck his finger and then he fingered my vagina some more. after what seemed like a long time he untied my wrists and made me get down on the floor and kneel in between his legs while he sat on the bed. he told me to suck him. i refused and he slapped me hard. i then opened my mouth when he pushed my head down onto his cock and i sucked him while he moved it in and out of my mouth. when he came he pushed my head down far so that i had to swallow his semen.
he then made me lay on the bed next to him and he started telling me about his last girlfriend and how she had cheated on him. he was mad at women for sure cause he kept saying how all of us were always trying to get over on him. after a while he then rolled on top of me and started sucking and squeezing my breasts again and fingering my vagina. then he spread my legs far and he put his face between them and started licking me. he was licking and sucking my vagina and clitoris for a long time and fingering inside me more and i was laying back trying to ignore what was going on. i couldn't ignore all of it though and after a while i just closed my eyes and pretended that my boyfriend was there instead of this guy. he concentrated so much on my clitoris that i eventually came. he laughed and told me that i would remember him.
he then got on top of me and slid himself inside me. he pressed himself against me pinning me down to the mattress and told me to tell him how it felt. i knew what he wanted to hear so i told him how good it felt. he smiled and began to fuck me and did it for a long time until he finally came again.
he tied my hands to the headboard and he went to the kitchen and got two bottles of beer. he drank one and wanted me to drink one. i told him i didn't want to but he told me i had to so i drank it. he told me that when we were on the subway that i had said that i wanted him to fuck me with my eyes. he also said i shouldn't dress so sexy because all the guys i meet will want to fuck me too. i just was agreeing with everything he said because it was obvious to me that if i didn't he would get angry and hurt me.
after the beers he told me to suck him and i did kneeling in between his legs while he sat on the end of the bed again. when he was hard he sat there and pulled me up and sat me on him facing him. he slid himself into me that way and moved me up and down on him for a while. then he told me to do it. i kind of sat there for a few seconds til he yelled that i better start fucking and i started to move against him. i did it for a long time until he finally came again.
after this he finally got ready to leave. he tied my hands to the bed again and told me that he lived nearby and that he had my address and that if he saw any cops at the place that he would get me and my family. he left and i struggled with the belt for a long time until i finally wriggled my hands out of it. i was disoriented by the whole thing and i went into the bathroom and took a shower then changed my mind and took a bath. i then dried off and went to sleep cause i was exhausted. the next day i called my mom and told her basically what happened and she called the police. they haven't found him.
i went to counseling but i felt weird talking about it. i felt like a freak because of the orgasms but after a while i finally started talking to the counselors and they said that they sometimes happen especially in cases like mine where the rapist has you there for a long time and does things like oral sex on you. i am beginning to feel better now and accept that these things weren't my fault. it is hard for me to trust strangers though. this guy seemed like such a nice guy on the train but obviously he was a great actor.
thank you to this site for letting me post my story. it feels good to let this stuff out.
-Colleen
Moriji's Story
I am a survivor of covert incest. My mother turned me into her surrogate husband because my father was always working and didn't give her any attention. I spent my entire childhood as my mother's confidant, having to listen to her problems on a daily basis. Since my parents had such poor communication skills, I was designated as their "messenger boy" who had to shuttle messages between them. How I wanted to escape all those years, but I was too weak. My mother was a vampire who sucked all the blood out of me, smothering me with her so-called "love," leaving me in such a state that I felt powerless to do anything. And worst of all, I had no one to turn to. I was completely alone, isolated. Instead of having my emotional needs met, I was forced to take care of hers. And as if that weren't enough, she had a subconscious tendency to become sexually suggestive with me, despite her aversion for sex. I never had any privacy getting dressed while growing up. She often teased me about my body, which became extremely embarrassing and shameful when I hit adolescence. I also remember having to put suntan lotion on her back in public when we would go to the beach. She even revealed parts of her body and intimately kissed me in order to "teach me" about women. Yes, this is all very sickening, but unfortunately true. It took me many years to come to the realization that I indeed was abused. You see, my mind was so warped from living with this woman for 18 years that it took me a long time to distinguish up from down.
When I turned 18, I left Japan where I grew up and came to the United States for college. This was the first time I experienced freedom. As you can imagine, it was liberating. Since then, I have cut all ties with my parents. I really had no other alternative if I was to regain myself. As long as they were present in my life, the abuse would have continued. I had to break this circle of pain.
-Moriji
Lindsay's Story I was a freshman in high school, 14 years old. I wasnt even mensturating yet. I had a crush on the senior football player number 24..Jeremy. I sat next to him in study hall. He knew i liked him. I had an other brother that was also a senior and he told me to stay away. I couldnt! On march 5, he told me to stay after school with him and hang out, i was so excited. We met up at his locker on the 2nd floor and he told me to follow him. he took me into the boys bathroom and into the stall. I didnt know what he was doing i was so nervous. Heput his hand over my mouth and raped me. I wanted to scream and run but i was confused and scared. I didnt say anything...to anyone...for a long time...they wouldnt believe me( i thought) and if my brother found out..he would kill him. So i kept it to my self for 5 years. And to this day im 20 years old ive only told 1 person.
-Lindsay
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