Raquel's Story
Raquel's Story
I was raped by a friend of mine May 1st, 2003. No matter how hard I try, I cannot block out what happened...and this is especially hard for me because I have seen my story written down once on a police report...I think it's what struck it home to me to see it in writing and I knew this was going to be with me forever. Hopefully my story will help someone through their healing process-so here goes. John and I had known each other for two years, and we attended college class together. He was six years older than I and I always admired him because he gone back to school to finish off his degree. We talked and got to know each other, and so we became good friends. There was a physical attraction there, so we became intimately involved for a few months. I should have seen the red flags from the beginning. He always treated me with lots of disrespect after we started sleeping together, constantly humiliating me infront of friends and other classmates. He always did a good job of belittling me and then win me over by apologizing and doing something nice for me. He manipulated me very well. After some time, he decided he didn't want to be involved with me so we just stayed friends. I didnt care, I thought it was better that way anyway. But they didn't, he just kept on with his bad attitude towards me. He made me cry infront of our friends a couple times, but I was still decent and nice to him. Then the night came for our end of the semester party. I arranged to stay the night over at the house of a mutual friend's, so I had a lot of alcohol. From when he first got there, John was flirting with me, and I couldn't believe it because he had been ignoring me earlier that week. I was having a good time so I was drinking a lot. As the party was ending, a group of us decided to go elsewhere and continue partying. We went to a first tap and kept drinking and dancing. I noticed that John's advances were thicker, but I knew what he wanted and he wasn't getting it from me that night. So then he yelled at me infront of a friend, and I got really upset. But he kept trying to smooth me over. I wasn't having it. We ended up going back to my friend's house where I was gonna stay the night. When we got there, John kept giving me beers. Then everyone decided to go home, but he arranged with our friend to stay there. As my friend and I were going upstairs, he was going downstairs. Since her back was turned, he motioned for me to come downstairs and I shook my head no. I went in the guest bedroom and I knew what he wanted-he wanted sex and I didn't want to do that. So as I shut the door behind me I thought I would just talk to him about it the next day if he got upset with me for not going downstairs. I was so drunk and tired so I passed out on the bed. I dont know how long after I went to sleep he came back into the room, but later I figured it was a short time. I woke up with his tongue down my throat and my breasts out of my shirt. He was fondling and making out with me. I asked him what he was doing and he asked why I hadnt gone downstairs and that he wanted to have sex. I told him no, that I didn't want to have sex and besides we were at a friend's house and it would be disrespectful towards her. I told him to stop and to let me sleep. He insisted that I go downstairs so I told him I would. He got up and walked to the door and told me to not make him come back upstairs to get me. I layed there and thought that maybe I could just talk him out of it and he would understand why I didn't want to have sex and we could just talk. I was so drunk that I fell down the stairs. When I got downstairs I saw him sitting naked on the couch. He was touching himself and teling me to come and sit next to him. Because I had known him for a long time, trusted him and thought he would understand, I didnt think of much of anything. I went and sat on the very corner of the couch. He was all over me. I told him to stop, that I only came downstairs to talk to him but he wouldn't listen. I reminded him that we were at our friend's house and that she would be very upset if we had sex in her house, I told him that I didn't want to have sex because I wasn't in the mood, that we didn't have a condom, etc. Finally I told him that I was on my period and that he wouldnt want to have sex with me on that. But he just asked if he could come inside me. I lied again and told him that I had a tampon in and that he should let me go to the bathroom to take it out. He said ok and I went to go use the bathroom that was right around the corner. I always ask myself why I didnt go back upstairs or wake up my friend, but I dont have an answer. I remember standing in the bathroom wondering what I was gonna do, that he would be mad if I didnt have sex with him. So again I thought I could talk him out of it and he then he wouldnt be mad. So I went back in that room and sat on the same corner of the couch. I told him to listen to me: that I didnt want to have sex and maybe we could just talk. But he didnt pay any attention to me. He was all over me again and told me to take off my clothes. I told him no, that I didnt want to. I started to push him away but he held me down with his body weight. I was pressed into the corner of the couch and my pushing him away wasnt doing much good. I started to feel desperate and told him to get off me, no no no that I didnt want to have sex, to leave me alone and listen to me. But he just ignored what I was saying and kept whispering sexual things to me. I can still feel the hard knot in my chest and the anxiety flowing through me. I can still feel his nasty breath down the back of my neck. He forced himself on me and pulled my shirt up, then he pulled my pants off. This whole time I was so confused, scared and desperate. He wasnt listening to me and I kept trying to push him off me, but he just pressed on me more. I was so drunk and tired that I felt weakened. He then kinda turned me on my belly and took off my underwear. He tried penetrating me anally first but he couldnt. So then he penetrated me the other way and began raping me while I was on my stomach. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldnt listen to me...his face was blank and he looked past me. I will never forget that look in his eyes, it gives me chills. He kept shusshing me and telling me to be quiet. Then he flipped me on top of him but that didnt last very long. He said, you're right, we're at N's house and we shouldnt be doing this. So he pushed me off him and told me to get dressed. I was so shocked...so numb I just sat there for a second and then began to put my clothes back on. He told me to go back upstairs and not to say anything to our friend, that nothing really happened because he didnt finish. I told him what do you mean nothing happened? But he just told me that and to get upstairs. I went up the stairs...noticed the hall light was still on, that my friend's door was wide open...so I turned the hall light off and went to bed. The next morning I was so petrified and embarrassed that I didnt want to leave the room. I heard John getting in the shower across the hall from the room I was in, even though there was another shower downstairs. I heard my friend getting ready and I went out to see her, but she was in a hurry. I just kinda stood there. But she left and I went back in the room. I waited until I didnt hear John in the house anymore and went downstairs, but he was in the living room. I just talked to him a little and then he left. I was so numb and the only emotion I could feel was shame. I saw him once more that day at a school bbq, it's like I was still in denial. My sister had to shake me and say, wake up...he raped you....you need to do something about it. So I called the cops and reported the crime. I pray everyday that he be brought to justice somehow, but the only way he would ever go to jail for what he did to me is if someone else comes forward with charges on him. Although I do have a restraining order on him I still live in fear that he will someday hurt me again. He didnt physically abuse me or anything, but the scars he left me inside are painful and horrible. He held me down and violated my body and mind. The whole situation has gone bad, the girl whose house it happened at stopped talking to me because she chose to stand by him and his "version". It sickens me...there is no "his version"....it's THE VERSION. I am angry that this has happened to me and that it happens to so many people. These sick people dont deserve to live but unfortunately they do. Every day is a challenge to heal from this...especially because I have to see him at the college still. The man that raped me only has a restraining order to stay 15 feet away from me on that campus. I can't believe it, but that's the way it is. I do consider myself a survivor because I have continued going to school and working to get better. I want to live my life to my fullest potential and I dont ever want to let that night ruin anything for me. I have spent too long being depressed and allowing this assault to take over my life. Even though sometimes it feels like I am alone, I know I am not and that there are people willing to help me make it through this. It's not right to hold it all inside because it gives the perpetrator's more strength. Thank you for letting me share my story.
Anonymous's Story
mine happened almost 20 years ago. an old boyfriend who decided if he forced me to have sex with him he'd win me back. he came to my room and basically wore me down. let me in and i'll leave after a few minutes, let me kiss you and i'll leave, you can see where this is going. i kept telling him no but he wouldn't take no for an answer. he didn't leave til the next morning. i felt myself separate from my body that nite. it was really strange. like i was outside myself looking in. i kept silent for a long time afterwords. i told my then boyfriend about it briefly and then choice to never discuss it again. now i'm dating again and i realize i have a major issue. i can't seem to believe anyone would love me - i still feel like it was my fault and that somehow i should have been able to stop it from happening. i feel like something broke inside me that nite and now i want to fix it once and for all. i hope sharing my story helps me on that path.
Well I guess my story begins when I was a naïve, impressionable, silly, immature 9-year-old girl. My family never showed their feelings and I rarely felt loved. The thing is that I hungered to feel loved and that’s why I so willingly became attached to him. An uncle who visited at least 3 times a year and stayed for months at a time. He was always so nice to me. Hugging me, giving me money, buying me stuff. I felt that he really liked me. The first time I had ever felt like this. I was living in a fantasy world, looking forward to seeing him. Then one night that all changed. I don’t remember the month anymore or the date. I just remember I was sitting on my grandfather’s reclining chair and he was sitting on the far side of the couch. My entire family and I had been in the TV room watching a movie and when it was done my mom and everyone else went into the kitchen to make dinner. My uncle and I were the only ones left in the room. I turned over on my grandfather’s chair and closed my eyes to sleep. I was tired. I don’t know how long I had been asleep but then I felt his hand in my nightgown. He was feeling my breasts. Squeezing me. I didn’t know what to do. I was in shock. I pretended like I was still asleep all the while thinking ‘what the hell is going on here?’ I decided if I turned over then he wouldn’t be able to get at my breasts anymore. So pretending I was just turning in my sleep I carefully turned away from him. Unfortunately that didn’t help anything. He just shifted his attention. Instead he put his hand down my panties and started feeling around there. I felt disgusted and confused. This was my uncle. The man I had so much love for and the man I thought had loved me. Then I heard my mom coming and he quickly pulled his hand away. My mom shook me to wake me up and I was going to tell her what had happened but when I started to talk she just got angry and told me to stop bothering her. I felt like she had slapped me. I felt so horrible and dirty. I think I spent about 3 hours in the shower that night. I was so confused. I still didn’t really know what had happened. Why would he touch me in those places? All I knew was that it didn’t feel right. After that night I stopped talking to my mom about any problem I had. I thought that she would just get angry with me like she had that night. But the molestation continued for the rest of his stay that time. He would catch me alone all the time. I tried to stay out of his way but my mom never let me go anywhere but to school and he would constantly tell my mom he wanted to talk to me and ask her to call me. When I refused to go to him my mother would get angry with me and shout at me. The thing about it was that I idolized my mom. All I wanted was to feel loved by her so I did anything she asked of me.
The next time he visited it was vacation time for me so he had me home to himself most of the time. He raped me, touched me, forced his tongue down my throat, stuffed his fist up inside me and did every other nasty thing you could think of. I felt so dirty and horrible and I hated myself. I still feel like that. I still feel guilty because I never said no. It went on for 3 years but I never said no because I thought that it was what would make my mother happy. And that’s all I wanted. To please my mother!
By the time I went to secondary school (I think that’s what you call 6th grade) I was very destructive. I was cutting myself, physically hurting myself in anyway I could. I really hated myself. And my schoolwork suffered. I just couldn’t concentrate. Although everyone in school thought I was the happiest girl in the world. I am very good at that. I hide everything that’s going on with me. That’s something I learnt from my family. We never talked to anyone about anything. By the time I reached 7th grade I kept thinking about suicide. I just didn’t want to live. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Actually to this day I can’t remember the last time I really looked at myself in the mirror. Well anyway I couldn’t take it anymore so I went to the school Vice Principal. I didn’t tell her the whole story of course. Just that he had touched me once. Well anyway my parents were called in. I was told that I had to go to a counselor and of course my mother was really angry with me for her having to be called in school and for me making this whole thing public. I hated myself even more but I did have hopes that if I went to s counselor then maybe I would get some help. Unfortunately that was a mess. The counselor said that she didn’t have to tell my mom anything but she did anyway. That was twice I had had my trust broken in horrible ways. I kept to myself and no longer talked to anyone. When I was at my house I would stay in the room I shared with my brother. Then I started eating. I felt depressed all the time and when I’m depressed I eat. I gained a lot of weight. I was ugly and fat and a huge disappointment to my family. I was a good swimmer and my father was my coach and when I gained weight and stopped swimming he hated me for it. He became verbally abusive and hit me around once or twice. I felt so violated. I was teased and shouted at every day by my family and teachers and classmates. My mother hated that I had said anything at all and constantly said ‘why can’t you just forget the whole thing?’ to this day I haven’t told her that I am not a virgin and that he did a lot more than just touch me once. I was living a nightmare and I didn’t know what to do.
Then my grandfather started fondling me. I was like ‘what the hell did I do that was so wrong’ I thought that I had to have done something really terrible to deserve all that was happening to me. I tried to tell my mom about what was going on with my grandfather but she didn’t believe me. I think that that was the last straw. I took a bottle of pills and hoped that I would never see another day. I don’t know how come I didn’t die but I didn’t. I slept for 14 hours but woke up fine as ever. I cried because I had just wanted to die. But I had to go on.
Then my grandfather was sick and on his deathbed. I couldn’t bring myself to go visit him and everyone detested me for it. So he died and gratefully I couldn’t go to his funeral because of something that came up. So I was spared that. I think it was about a month after my grandfather’s death that my uncle violated me for the last time. Unfortunately I was still affected. I was depressed and still mutilating myself. I became so sick and then I wasn’t getting any better because my body just wasn’t functioning. I was so damn depressed. I begged my mom to send me to the states to stay with an aunt of mine. It took 3 months but I finally got her to buy the plane ticket for me. I went away for 3 and a half months and I think that that’s what saved my life. My aunt and uncle and cousins in the states made all the difference. They were there for me. Comforted me and advised me. My life obviously didn’t just turn around right then and there but the process started. I wasn’t as depressed anymore after the trip and I mutilated myself a lot less. When I got back to my home country my old school wouldn’t take me back so I had to go to a pay school that pushed me back 2 years. Now I think that was good for me. The school is perfect for me. I have great teachers who helped me. I found God who has helped me through a lot. My self-esteem has risen a bit. Not enough but I’m on my way. My grades have risen. I still need a lot of help but I’m hoping I will get it. Right now it’s the year 2003 and I’m 18, still living at home, haven’t mutilated myself in 9 months and I’m getting good grades in school. I have a lot of issues to get through like the fact that I can never have children because of the trauma my body went through when I was a child. I have always wanted to have children but I guess that won’t matter anyway because I can’t stand to be touched. I’ve decided to start to heal properly so I’m trying to get my mom to take me to a T. I know I’m 18 but I’m still in high school because of the 2 years I was put back. So I do not work and have no money of my own to pay for a T. I’ve been trying to get her to get one for a month now but lets hope that it will happen. Hope for me to please and I hope for all of you too.
Copyright © 2002
