Kelly's Story

it was any day after school i threw my books down and sat at the table and ate. i jumped up at the sound of the door bell ringing and went to go see who it was. As i jerked the door open i saw a friend from the year b4 standing, blocking any sunlight comming in. He looked strange in the eyes, stoned.You see the year b4 i got into some trouble and he introduced me to some coke, weed and acid. He must of been flying like a kite that day, it wasn't him. i stoped the drugs after a few months. He had his hands to his sides hiding something. He told me that i owed him money and when i said i didnt have anything he said i could pay it back in other ways. When i steped back to shut the door he revealed wut he was hiding. A shiny black gun. He pointed it to me and told me to come with him or eles. i opend the screen door and he grabed my arm and foreced me down to where his car was. There he thru me in and drove to the top of a empty lot.

I can still remember the song that echoed in my head. The rollings stones, "Paint it Black." One of my most favorite songs, but now most hated. He parked and put the gun on the dashbord and reached for my arm. He rolled up my sleave and told me i was going to be punished for being late w/ my payments. As i tryed to rid his hand of mine, he held the razor up to my neck and ask me if i would rather be cut up there. He took the box cutter and began to slice long deep burgandy cuts on my inner arm. My arm was bloody and i coudlnt stand to look at it. I looked around as he inflicted scores upon my pale arm. No one was here to save me. I started to cry because i knew what was going to happen. after He finished he told me to shut up and put the razor away. His eyes looked into mine as he held me tightly pressing his lips against mine. next he started unbuttoning my shirt feeling my breast, wonderin down to my thighs. He oreder me to undress immediately as he whiped out his dick. I took of my clothes shaking uncontrolably as he pointed the gun at me smiling a devlish smile. I was completly naked and he reached over me to pull the seat back and down. The seat went back and i felt him pull himself on me. His caress felt like chills all down my body. He opened my legs and inserted himself into me. He just took my viringity away and i wasn't even there. He went hard and ruff. blood was all over his dick. He keep pumping until my screams were so loud he had to slap me around to keep me quite. I coudlnt stop crying. But then in a instant i left my body and watched from above. AFter he finished he cumed inside me. He gave me one last kiss as he thru my clothes at me and told me to get out of his car. i walked backed into my house and took a shower the rest of the day, tryin to scrub him and the memoires away.

Kelly

's Story

Hush little baby
Don’t say a word
Papa’s gonna buy you
A mockingbird.

God I hate that song. It makes me shiver. It’s a song that I expect to hear the psychotic killer singing off key as he stalks his victim through a movie screen thunderstorm. When I first heard the lullaby as a small child, I loved it. I was sick with the stomach flu. I curled up in my Grandma’s lap while she rocked me back and forth singing to me. I fell asleep and when I awoke my fever had broken, and I was able to keep juice down for the first time in two days. But sometimes the things you love can be ruined, forever.

Orson, my older brother, introduced Rollin to me. It was the day that our mother and new stepfather left on a honeymoon trip to the Virgin Islands. We were mad. We were mad because it was bad enough that they were going to a place that we had been wanting to visit ourselves for years, but to top it off, our mother had married a man who we hated and whom we were terrified of. If we had tried, we probably could easily have counted the number of times that he had hit either one of us. But no matter how hard we tried, we could never have figured out how many times he had threatened to hit us. Nor could we have remembered how many times he had gotten within inches of our faces and yelled, calling us names and cussing at us.

So, about an hour after they left, in a childish display of our displeasure, we had ridden our bikes up and down the street screaming, “Give all our bombs to Russia. But let’s keep the switch!” It was our way of making trouble, because we were always good, and being good didn’t seem to get us anywhere. After about twenty minutes, no police had shown up, because no one had called to complain about us, so we gave up.

We were sitting on the front porch bemoaning our failure as juvenile delinquents, when Orson suddenly turned to me, his face bright. “Leal! I know what we could do! I met this really great guy up the street. He’s really cool. He always listens to me, and NEVER takes Ian’s side. He says that Ian sounds like a real Jerk!”

“Let’s go!” I piped, and we rode our bikes up the street to one house in a group that all were very much like our own, but different colors and smaller. I followed Orson to the porch and stood nervously behind him as he knocked on the front door. Almost immediately the door opened and a mild looking middle-aged man beamed at us.

“Orson!” He exclaimed. Then he looked at me, “This must be Leal! You didn’t tell me what a beautiful young lady she is!” I blushed and ducked my head. Rollin waved us in, “Come in, come in. It’s good to see you. I was just thinking about you, hoping you’d come to visit today. I’m so glad you finally brought your beautiful sister. I’ve been intrigued ever since you first described her. She is a sweetie! Isn’t she?”

Orson nodded, smiling, and led me inside. There was no furniture except one chair and a few milk crates. There was a thick circular rug covered with geometric patterns spread out in the middle of the room. “Not much to sit on.” I commented.

“I’m moving out. Next week. Gotta go to another state.” He said. Orson looked crushed. I felt bad for him. “Don’t worry Orson. I’ll keep in touch,” Rollin responded to my brother’s expression. Orson nodded disconsolately. Rollin pulled him close and hugged him for a while, “It’ll be okay honey.” Orson smiled this time. “You’ll keep in touch? You promise?” he asked. Rollin nodded and patted Orson on the shoulder. Orson smiled, looking relieved. We both sat cross-legged next to each other on the rug and Rollin took the only chair.

“So, tell me about yourself Leal. Are you as spectacular as your brother seems to think you are?” he asked, winking at me. I became shy and shrugged my shoulders. I looked at him and he smiled encouragingly. “I bet you are,” he murmured with a smile.

“I’m nuthin’ special. I like to act. I played the cowardly lion in the school play.” I said in a voice just above a whisper. He started laughing.

“A little thing like you? You must be an awfully good actor!” He laughed some more. “I know I’m gonna like you!” he said.

I smiled back and looked at Orson. “He is cool!” Orson nodded and grinned back at me.

Rollin broke into another gale of laughter. He was so jolly that I couldn’t help but like him. “So what are you two doing for the rest of the day?” he asked.

“We’re trying to be irresponsible!” I quipped. “We are always good. Look where it’s gotten us. We’re stuck with him,” I spat.

Rollin looked thoughtful. “You mean Ian? You’re stuck with Ian?” he asked. I nodded. He continued, “I can’t imagine treating kids that way. I mean the way your brother describes Ian’s treatment of you. Nope. Just couldn’t do it.” He reached down and ruffled my hair. I felt my eyes getting wet with an all too familiar sting. I blinked fast and faked a yawn so that neither Rollin nor Orson would know I was crying. Rollin wasn’t fooled. He gave me a sympathetic smile. “It’ll be okay. You two are terrific kids. You’ll come out ahead in the end.”

“I hope so.” I said. Now Orson was yawning unnaturally big. I poked him to make him laugh. It worked. “I guess we better get going…” I said.

Rollin smiled and nodded. “Go play. I have to go downtown to the bank to take care of some business. Come back later if you have time. Otherwise come back tomorrow. You can drop by anytime you want. If my truck is out front, I’m home.” We said goodbye and left.

We rode our bikes through the neighborhood, this time quietly except for shared laughter. At several of the houses we passed, our friends’ parents or other neighborhood residents would wave at us and call “Hi Orson! Hi Leal!” We waved back smiling. Several elderly women waved us over to give us cookies and milk or lemonade. We would smile and say “Thank you! It’s delicious!” no matter how stale the cookies were or how warm the milk was or how sour the lemonade was. We didn’t want them to feel bad when they were just trying to be nice.

After a few hours, one of us came up with the idea of riding to a nearby town to eat and watch a movie. The way to the town was downhill, but the way back would be impossible. We called Clarissa, our nighttime caregiver who was not a babysitter, at her daytime job to ask if she had a van so that she could pick us and our bikes up after the movie. After getting the go ahead, we filled water bottles and started the two hour journey. When we got there we watched an action movie and then ate dinner at a local diner while waiting for Clarissa. We were happy to see her when she got there because we were exhausted. We both slept well that night and woke up with sore muscles. The next day, we slept in and then had sugar cereal for breakfast. Orson had his with chocolate milk. We decided to pack a surprise lunch and go up to visit Rollin. I made PBJs, easy on the peanut butter, heavy on the jelly. Orson made peanut butter and tuna fish crackers. We mixed a big thermos of Tang, and packed Twinkies for dessert. I carried the lunch in the bike bag on my handlebars while we rode up the street. I had a hard time remembering which one of the nearly identical houses was Rollin’s until Orson pointed out the truck. “That’s the only way I can ever remember,” he said. “When he’s not home I can’t even leave him a note! Look, they don’t even have house numbers!”

“I wonder how the mail man ever gets mail to the right place,” I pondered aloud. Just then Rollin walked out of his front door to the mailbox. He looked up at us and waved, smiling. We got off of our bikes and pushed them up the driveway. “Hi Rollin, we brought lunch!” I said.

“Come on in then!” he said smiling. We followed him inside and began unpacking the lunch. He told us to wait a minute, and brought out a yellow sheet, which he spread over the round rug, then got dishes and cups. We laughed and ate heartily, although there were several peanut butter tuna fish crackers left because Orson was the only one who would touch them. The Tang disappeared quickly, so Rollin brought out some apple juice. He spent the afternoon asking Orson and I questions about ourselves and our family, especially about our stepfather.

“You two are pretty scared of Ian, aren’t you?” he asked. We both nodded. “I can’t imagine hurting a child. Especially two absolutely terrific children like you. I treat my stepson like he’s the greatest treasure in my life. Which he is. Did you know that I’m a Dad?” Orson nodded while I shook my head no. Rollin continued, “Yes, Peter is a real joy, and I’d never hurt him.”

“I thought you said his name was Paul,” Orson interrupted.

Rollin nodded, “Yes, Paul is his middle name. He can’t decide which he likes better, so it changes every week. This week it’s Peter.” Rollin said laughing. Orson and I laughed too, but I thought Peter Paul must be a weird kid.

“How old is he?” I asked.

“Your brother’s age, almost exactly,” replied Rollin.

“I’ll be thirteen in almost two weeks, on the twentieth,” offered Orson.

“He’ll be thirteen in a month, on the twenty-first,” said Rollin.

“I’ll be twelve the day after that!” I exclaimed. Rollin smiled, and patted my back.

“You’re turning into a real Lady!” he answered. I grinned. He continued, “a beautiful fine young lady!” I became shy again, and excused myself to the bathroom. When I came back we started telling jokes and laughing. When the sun began to set, Orson and I left, so that we could get back home before Clarissa did. On our way out, I noticed how dirty Rollin’s truck was and commented on it.

“Yeah, I need to get it washed tomorrow,” he said.

I’ll wash it for you! For… ummm… five dollars.” I volunteered.

“Okay, come back tomorrow, and the job is yours,” he said. I nodded my assent, and waved goodbye.

“Whatcha doin? Can I play too?” asked a little voice behind me. I turned away from my scrubbing, relieved for a break. A little girl stood behind me. She looked about six. She was wearing a bating suit identical to the one I was sporting, but I was also wearing shorts, and she wasn’t.

“I’m washing this truck. You can help if you want to.” I moved the soapy water to the edge of the tailgate. She grabbed the extra sponge and, humming, began soaping the side of the truck. I’d already washed everything except the bed, but she seemed happy. I smiled to myself. “What’s your name?” I asked.

“Brina. Is this your truck? Do you drive? You don’t look old enough,” she inquired.

“No, I’m only eleven, well almost twelve. This is Rollin’s truck. He’s paying me to wash it. I’ll give you a few dollars since you’re helping.” I answered. She smiled happily. I thought she was cute.

We worked for a while in silence. I couldn’t get the oil and grease off of the truck bed, but kept scrubbing anyway. I looked up and saw Rollin watching us out the window. He brought us some lemonade, and I made the introductions. Brina smiled, but stayed close to my side. A loud voice called for Brina, and she ran off down the street. “See you later!” she called, “Come over and play with me some time!”

“Okay!” I called back and waved. I turned back to my scrubbing before I could see where she lived. I figured I’d see her around. Rollin came out and I straightened up, rolling my head from side to side to get the cramps in my shoulders out. I was soaked and soapy and really tired.

“It’s about to rain. Come inside. You did a good job, and should stop, because you’re never gonna get that grease off! I’ll just replace the lining next week,” he said putting his hand out to help me out of the truck bed. He put his arm around my shoulder as he led me inside. I looked back as I closed the screen door and saw the thunderclouds gathering above us and lightning flashing in the distance.

“It’s gonna be a big storm.” I commented. He nodded and closed the front door. He locked it behind him.

“The door opens by itself if I don’t keep it locked,” he explained.

“Then maybe you have ghosts!” I exclaimed and began laughing. He smiled.

“Have a seat in front of my chair, I’ll rub the kinks out of your shoulders. I bet you’re all tense after that scrubbing,” he said.

“I’m fine. But I’m thirsty! Can I have some water?” I asked.

“Sure. Hold on a sec,” he said. He went to the kitchen and was quickly back with iced water. I gulped the water down. He went and got me another one, which I sipped. I sat on the rug, and he sat on his chair and we talked, and laughed. I told him that I was actually not a human but an alien from a small planet orbiting Alpha Centauri. I told him about a made up alien game and explained the complex rules to him. He laughed and said that I should be a writer.

“Ian always makes fun of my stories and tells me it’s a waste of time when I try to write them down,” I commented. “I just think it’s fun though, it’s not like I want to be a famous writer or anything.”

Rollin shook his head. “That’s not right, to make fun of you. Besides, you could probably be a famous writer some day. You have a great imagination. He shouldn’t be trying to limit you. You still have a whole lot ahead of you. He can’t know what’s in store for you.”

“He says I’m too lazy to amount to anything much,” I replied. I frowned. “He always yells at us. He calls us names. Sometimes he pushes us or slaps us. He says he’s gonna slap us or hit us every day. When we try to tell our Mom, he says that we are lying, or that we just misunderstood. She always believes him. She always takes his side. But, I… I try to be good, and make him happy, so that she won’t think I’m bad. But I know she still does. She says ‘you just hate him because you’re jealous that I found someone and I’m not going to let you come between us. I’ll send you away to military school before I let that happen.’ But I don’t care that she found someone. I wanted her to get married again. I wanted another dad, but… I want a dad who’s gonna be nice to me, one who I’m not afraid of. Sometimes I wish she would send me away so that I wouldn’t have to be around him anymore.” I started to cry, and didn’t even bother to hide it behind a fake yawn. The tears were coming too fast to do that.

Rollin sighed, “I think he must like you. I mean what’s not to like? You are a terrific beautiful young lady. Maybe he just doesn’t know how that what he’s doing really hurts you and Orson. Does he hit you often?”

“Not much. He pushes us more, but not a lot. But I know that he has hit me sometimes, so when he threatens to, I don’t know whether he really will or not. Whenever he has, he always said he was sorry but then told me why it was really my fault anyway because I made him do it by being bad. It doesn’t seem like he really is sorry.” I said.

Rollin shook his head again. “That isn’t a real apology. That is a lousy way to treat someone, especially someone who you’re supposed to care about. I would never treat you that way. You know that, right?”

I nodded and imagined what it would be like if Rollin was my new dad instead of Ian. “I wish I could stay with you,” I said.

“Me too,” he said, his face serious and thoughtful. “I love you very much,” he ended.

I was surprised but pleased. Ian never said anything like that. He was never gentle and kind. I wanted some gentleness and kindness so much. I was overcome and trying not to cry too hard. I heard hail tapping on the roof and listened to it while I tried to collect myself. I picked up my glass of water then stood up and went to the window to look out at the storm.

Rollin came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder for a while then moved back a few feet. I finished the water and turned to Rollin to give him the empty glass. As I was handing it to him, the sky outside lit up and a huge crash of thunder shook the house. I screamed and dropped the glass, which shattered on the wooden floor. Rollin jumped and put his hand out gesturing for me to stay still. “Don’t move, that broken glass is sharp, and if you step on it, it will probably cut through those thin soles on your sneakers,” he said. He got a broom and swept up the glass, then used a shop vac to vacuum the entire area. The whole time, the thunderstorm kept booming overhead and by the time he was done I was sweating and shaking wanting to get away from the window where the flashing lightning threw my elongated shadow crisply across the room where it fell in a sharp image on the wall. Once he’d put the vacuum and broom away, he sat in his chair and motioned me over, patting his lap. I sat sideways on his lap and nestled against him, still shaking. He put his arms around me and began rocking and humming. I finally calmed down and started to get up since my fear had past. Rollin tugged me back and wouldn’t let loose. “It’s okay,” he murmured, “this is nice.” I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, and was regretting having gotten into his lap like some scared little kid. He continued rocking and humming, and I began to relax again. With one hand he began gently rubbing my back, and I began to doze off, using his chest as a pillow. I began dreaming about my grandma, she was singing about a mocking bird. I sighed.

I began waking as Rollin lifted me and laid me on the gently on the rug. I opened my eyes when he kissed my forehead and cheeks, then my mouth, pushing his tongue in. I gasped, shocked and suddenly scared. His hands slowly lowered the straps of my bathing suit, pausing briefly to massage the tiny swellings that would be breasts in a few years. I began to cry and whimper. “Hush Leal. This is a good thing. I love you. This is just what a man and woman do when they love each other. I love you. You love me. I know you do. You said that you want to stay with me, remember?” He talked soothingly, raising his voice with the last question. I nodded, remembering clearly. He continued, “You’ll enjoy this. I’m ready for this, and so are you. I never knew that I could fall in love so fast. But you’re wonderful. You’re a wonderful woman, Leal. Don’t be scared. This is a good thing.” The whole time he talked, he kept pausing to kiss my body as he slowly lowered my bathing suit. I squirmed, trying to move away from him. He grabbed my arms and held them firmly, but not hard enough to hurt. “Don’t Leal. Don’t try to get away. You don’t understand how much I care about you, how much I need you. This will be good. You’ll like it. You’ll like being with me. This is called making love. It is for two people who love each other deeply, like you and I do. Oh I love you so much.”

As he whispered reassurances he raised both my arms above my head and held them in place by the wrists with one hand and continued undressing me with his other hand. I thought, almost triumphantly that when he got to my shorts, he’d have to stop, because I wouldn’t raise my hips for him to take them off and they would get stuck. Instead he just pulled my hands forward as he wrapped his free arm around my waist and tugged. He slid the shorts off easily, like he knew exactly what he was doing. I groaned in disappointment, and fear. He smiled at the small sound. “See? I knew you wanted it. I can hear how excited you are.”

Again I whimpered and quietly said, “No. Please no. No.”

He put a finger to my lips and said “Shhhh! It’s okay. You want this. We both know you do.” Then he leaned in and kissed my lips, again pushing his tongue in and moving it around my mouth. I felt him move his free hand down and felt the fabric of his sweatpants being pushed down, and then his bare skin against me. He kept his hand low and fondled me, sticking his fingers inside of me. I closed my legs together as tight as they would go. He lifted his head and looked down. Once his mouth was away from mine I clamped my teeth together and my lips shut. He smiled and chuckled. “It’s okay, you can play hard to get. It only makes it better in the end,” he whispered against my ear. He slowly removed his fingers from inside of me and moved them forward, then suddenly pinched. I jumped at the pain and let my legs fall apart a small bit. He quickly grabbed one leg and yanked it away from the other and pushed himself inside of me. I screamed, in pain and terror. It felt like he was ripping me apart. He immediately clamped his hand over my mouth, muffling the sound. I bit, but didn’t get a good grasp, and he easily pulled his hand away before I even broke the skin. He suddenly looked angry, and slapped me, not hard enough to really hurt, but hard enough to sting, hard enough to silence me. “Shut up you little cunt!” he hissed. He shook the hand that I’d just tried to bite in front of my face. “Don’t you ever try something like that again. I was trying to be so gentle, and this is how you show your appreciation!” he said, his voice low and cold. He glared at me. I cried. I was scared, and it burned where he was still inside of me. His expression softened, and his voice became gentle again, “One more chance, okay? Don’t worry. You’ll like this my little lover, especially once we stretch you out and you get used to it.” He began singing the song about the mockingbird, the one my grandma sang to me when I was sick. He began moving and panting and groaning, whispering lies of love.

I closed my eyes and imagined that I was traveling to Mars. I imagined that I could go wherever I wanted by wrinkling time, like in my favorite book. I imagined that I was floating weightless in space, with no body, so that I couldn’t feel anything. I don’t know if I slept, or just turned so far into my own mind that I didn’t notice that he had finished. When I finally opened my eyes again, I was dismayed to find myself still laying on the floor of the dark house with Rollin, glassy eyed and covered in sweat, shaking me. “Leal! Leal! I knew you’d like it. You must have passed out after you came. I’m glad I was a good lover for you.” He collapsed on top of me, breathing heavily. My whole pelvis area ached and burned, almost unbearably. I couldn’t breath with him on top of me, and began sobbing. He lifted himself, and kissed my lips. “Wasn’t it wonderful?” he asked. I didn’t answer. He rose to his knees, and I saw blood on him. He must have seen the shock on my face, and looked down. He shrugged, and said, “I’m glad that you saved yourself for me. Why don’t you get in the shower while I clean the rug before it stains. This way.”

Hush sweet Leal,
Don’t say a word.
Rollin’s gonna buy you
A mocking bird…

I closed my eyes and continued my tumble through space. Somewhere in the meteor belt beyond Mars, I felt my legs being separated again. I concentrated on going between the flying meteors. I was careful not to groan aloud again because Rollin would think that I was excited. I braced myself for the pushing pain, tensing and promising myself not to scream. Instead I felt warm wetness and heard a slurping sound. I opened my eyes and looked down to see Rollin with his mouth pushed up against me, and felt his tongue rolling around inside of me. I shivered with disgust and closed my eyes again to find that I was approaching Saturn. I looked out to space, at the thousands of lights embedded in the blackness. The cold emptiness was comforting, and I drifted in the vacuum, careful not to think about anything, certainly not about what was happening to me outside of my mind. I felt something pushing against my face. I opened my eyes to see Rollin’s pubic hair. He was rubbing his penis against my lips. It was reddish purple. “My turn now that you’ve had all the fun,” he whispered. “Open your mouth.” I bit the insides of my lips so hard that I tasted blood. His eyes slit in anger. “Damn you bitch! Quit fighting me every inch of the way. It’s my turn for some enjoyment,” he hissed. “You have to learn not to be such a selfish lover.” My eyes filled with tears, but I glared back at him, biting my lips harder. He raised his hand like he was going to slap me, I didn’t move or blink or cringe. A slow, sly smile filled his face. He put his penis against my mouth, and savagely pinched my nose shut with one hand while holding me down by the throat with the other. I felt bleeding start in the back of my nose. I held my breath for as long as I could, but finally gasped. In a second he buried himself in my mouth. He pushed on my throat, and said, “You better not bite me.” I gagged as he began thrusting himself into my throat. When I threw up, he groaned and kept thrusting. “That heat feels so good,” he gasped. Blood and vomit began dripping out of my nose. When he was finished, I rolled over and heaved splattering the sheet below me.

He grabbed my shoulder and turned me savagely toward him. “What do you think you’re doing to my nice sheets?” he growled. He grabbed my arm and hauled me with him as he moved to the edge of the bed. He pushed me over his lap, and began spanking me hard. I began jerking trying to get away. He pushed down on my back with one hand, and grabbed my hair by and pulled me up, shaking my head back and forth. “Hold still, you little bitch,” he said, and let go, dropping me back into position, and kept hitting. I felt him growing stiff underneath me again. After smacking for longer than I was able to try and keep track of, he stopped. He began rubbing my butt, softly, and was moving his hips pushing his penis against my hips and pelvis. He spread my butt cheeks apart, and began tracing around my anus. I clenched my butt. He slapped it hard again. I quit. I heard him spit, and then felt him slip his wetted finger inside. He slowly moved it in circles and withdrew it. He then put one of his larger fingers inside. He repeated the process until he was able to push his two fingers in. He began humming the same song as he lifted me and put me face down on the bed with my legs hanging off. I heard him fumbling on the dresser behind us. He then smeared something slimy all through my crack and used his fingers to smear it in my anus. Within seconds, he was pushing himself inside first slowly, and then he started bucking against me. I screamed, and he grabbed my hair and pushed my face into the mattress so I couldn’t breathe. “Oh you are so hot and tight. I’m gonna cum fast!” he breathed. Everything was turning gray when I felt wetness fill me. When he let go of my head, and collapsed on top of me, I lifted my head, gasping. Glowing circles filled my vision, and I was dizzy. He whispered in my ear, “You are such a hot lover.” The world went black.

When I came to, I was still in the same position on the bed, my head turned sideways. I felt my bottom being wiped with something warm and wet. He was cleaning me up. He was singing that wretched song again. I felt nauseous and dizzy. I heard crinkling and a sound almost like a rip. He leaned over me. “Get up lover,” he whispered in my ear. I turned around to see him sticking a large pad in the crotch of my swimsuit. He had a whole box of them, which he handed to me. “You’ll need these,” he said. “We need to have a talk now. When you’re finished dressing, come to the living room,” he ordered as he threw my clothes at me and walked out of the room and down the hallway.

I began shaking, but did not cry. “This day is never going to end,” I whispered to myself. I painfully pulled my swimsuit and then shorts on. I grabbed the box and hobbled to the living room. He was standing behind the chair, and gestured for me to sit down. When I sat he began kneading my shoulders roughly, slipping his hands into my suit as he did so. I prayed that he would not become excited again. He stopped rubbing. I heard crinkling again. He dropped two five-dollar bills into my lap. “Here’s for washing the truck. Don’t tell Orson I gave you extra. It’ll be our secret. Get something special for yourself with it,” he said.

He picked up a milk crate, walked around in front of me, and set the crate down. He sat on it and took my hands in his. I wanted to pull away, but knew that I had better not. He stared at me for a long time, his face very serious. “What happened between us today was very special and beautiful. I wouldn’t change it for anything. I don’t regret it, and I know you don’t either. What we have is a beautiful loving relationship. I know it will last forever. But, no one can know about it. I am still married, legally, though we will never get back together. What we did today is called adultery, and we could both get in big trouble, especially you. You seduced a married man, and that is not looked kindly upon. You could end up in the detention home for criminal youths. I’d hate to have to have you there. Kids who go to the detention home are marked for life. Your teachers would never look at you or treat you the same. You’d have a criminal record pinned to you for as long as you live. I will always take care of you, because you are the woman I love, but it would still be very bad for you. The guards in places like that do things to young girls. Like the things we did, but it wouldn’t be between two people who love each other when they do it. So no one must find out. I can’t protect you as well as I’d like, so you have to protect yourself and not tell anyone about us. Do you understand?”

I stared at him, dumbstruck. “Why would I get in trouble?” I wondered. I hadn’t wanted to do any of it. But then I remembered how I had volunteered to come over. When Orson had said that he wasn’t going to help me wash the truck because his friend had invited him over, I hadn’t cared. I went over by myself anyway. My mother had told me never to be alone with a man I didn’t know. I really hadn’t known Rollin. I remembered that I had told him that I wished I could stay with him. He thought that meant that I was in love with him. He had done what he’d done because he’d thought that I wanted him to. I realized that I probably would get in a lot of trouble for making him think that. I also knew that if people found out what I’d been doing with him all afternoon that they would hate me. They would think that I was really bad. And they would be right. I had been really bad to let Rollin do what he’d done. Slowly, I nodded to him.

“Good girl,” he said, and kissed me, long and hard, his tongue pushing into my mouth, making me want to scream.

I pulled away. “I have to get going. Orson should be home soon.” I said. I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible and never go back.

“Ah yes, Orson. He comes here an awful lot. I see him all the time. Sometimes, if I see him going by, I call him in for a nice chat. He always comes, whenever I want him to,” Rollin was staring at me hard as he talked. “I’m glad that I can trust you to keep up your half of our relationship. I know that you won’t neglect me, and you’ll come to see me whenever you can. I know that you wouldn’t let Orson be the only one to come see me, especially when I need you, and the things that you do for me as much as I do. Am I right?”

I didn’t answer. I was wondering if there was anyway to convince Orson never to come visit Rollin again. My thoughts were interrupted. “AH look!” he exclaimed. “There’s you’re little friend from earlier. She is a real beauty! Almost as beautiful as you!” He said, an edge in his voice.

“NO!” I shouted at him.

He looked at me and smiled slowly. “You are a jealous one. Aren’t you? But she does look like a sweetheart. It would be easy to fall in love with one like that…” he continued.

“NO! NOT HER!” I shouted again, thinking of cute little Brina, being locked up in this house of horrors. “I’ll come back to see you. I’ll come back.” I sobbed.

“Don’t be jealous, little lover. I love you. I’d never cheat on you. I know you’ll come back. We have a relationship now. You are the kind of girl who respects a good relationship when you have one. I can tell. When can I expect you tomorrow?” he prodded.

“My friend from school is coming over for the day. I don’t know for how long.” I said, feeling trapped and miserable.

“Get rid of your friend as soon as you can, then come over. I’ll need at least an hour. Understand?” He looked at me, waiting for a reply.

I nodded, and then stared at my hands. “Oh and do something about the way you walk. I saw you come in here from the bedroom. You walk like a little slut. People are gonna know what you’ve been doing if you sachet around like that.” I nodded again. He walked to the door, and opened it. “Get out of here now. I’ll see you tomorrow. You’ve put me behind schedule, so go on now.” I stiffly walked to the door and left. The door slammed behind me. I couldn’t believe I was outside again. The sun was shining, but inside, I still felt the hail bruising me.

I went home. No one was there yet. I called Clarissa and asked her if I could spend the night at a friend’s house. She gave her permission, and I left a note for Orson. I gathered my clothes and a sleeping bag plus the pads together. I took another hot shower that turned my skin red, and used a scrub brush to clean my crotch and anus as hard as I could. I got dressed, not forgetting to put a pad in my underwear, and put my swimsuit and shorts in a plastic bag with a pair of scissors. I then brushed my teeth with half a tube of toothpaste, pressing until my gums bled. I left the house by the back door, and snuck down the path to the park next to our house, I made my way to a small cave that I had discovered in a canyon wall. I crawled in, and set some large rocks in front of the drop off, so that I couldn’t roll out. I took out the clothing I had worn that day, and the scissors, and shredded it, throwing it over the drop off, piece by piece. I crawled into my sleeping bag, and slept a tortured, dream filled sleep until the next morning, when the sun shown full into the cave.

I went home, took another burning hot shower, scrubbed with the scrub brush again, and dressed in one of my tee shirts, with one of Orson’s over it, and a pair of Orson’s baggy shorts cinched tight with a belt. Orson had already left to meet a friend, and Clarissa had left for her daytime babysitting job. I waited on the front porch, for my friend, Willy, to show up. When he came, he gave me a hug, and I held on to him, until he pulled away, laughing. “People are going to think we’re going out!” he teased. I laughed. People had thought that all year long at school, because we were always together. “We’ll just say we’re best friends!” I replied, feeling almost safe in a routine with my friend. We went inside and played Atari most of the morning. At about eleven, I suggested going up to the drugstore to get some lunch. We walked up, laughing at each other’s antics. He asked if I was hurt because I was sort of limping. I said I’d hurt my ankle, and became quiet. He reached down, picked up a dirt clod and tossed it at me. I caught it and threw it back at him. We had a dirt battle, until a passing car honked and the lady inside wagged her finger at us. We finished the trip and picked out mostly candy and junk food for lunch. When we walked out of the store, parked right in front was Rollins truck. He sat in it staring at me angrily. The engine revved and he backed up quickly, and then accelerated out of the parking lot toward our neighborhood. Willy and I stared after him. Willy shrugged and sighed. “Adults are weird,” he said.

“Yeah,” I agreed, suddenly scared. I didn’t know why, but I knew that I was going to be in trouble later that afternoon, and I would be paying dearly for that trouble. I tried to enjoy Willy’s company, because I didn’t know what was going to happen to me later. I wished that I could just run away. Willy had to leave early anyway, so at two-thirty, I was walking back to Rollin’s house. I was shaking, even though the day was hot. I heard someone running up behind me. “Hi Leal!” I heard Brina’s voice exclaim. I turned to her and smiled. She was so cute that I couldn’t help but be glad to see her. “I saw your friend earlier! He stopped his truck and gave me this!” She held up and enormous swirly lollipop. “He’s nice!” She said.

I bent down and took her hands in mine, looking straight into her face. “He seems really nice,” I explained softly, “But you don’t know him. You need to stay away from him. Don’t go near his house. Don’t go near him. Don’t even talk to him. Okay?” I was willed her to trust me. She nodded solemnly, and dropped her lollipop in the gutter. Someone called her name from down the street. She gave me a hug and ran toward the voice. I turned away, and continued my slow march. When I got to the truck, I turned onto the walk and went slowly up to the porch. The door flew open, and Rollin grabbed my arm and yanked me inside. He began shaking me. “You little SLUT!” He yelled, inches away from my face. He let go, and stalked away, glaring at me every so often. He paced and cussed. He stopped walking and turned toward me. “How can we have a relationship when I can’t trust you!” he growled. “All over the neighborhood with some boy, acting like the whore that you are! That’s right a WHORE! Well I know how to treat a whore. You want to act like a whore? I’ll fix you. I’ll teach you a lesson you’ll never forget. A lesson just for whores.” He quit ranting and suddenly became quiet, and stared at me. He said, in a voice that sounded… dangerous, “Take off those ugly clothes.” I fumbled with the belt, too terrified to make my fingers work properly. I was too slow for him. “Take them off now. Don’t make me take them off of you. That’ll only make it worse.” I finally undid the belt. I pulled off the shorts and both shirts. I stood in my underwear fidgeting. “TAKE THEM OFF!” he roared. I shoved them down and stepped out of them.

Rollin sat down in the chair. “Get your little slut ass over here,” He said. I walked to him. He grabbed me and bent me over his knee again. The spanking went on until my butt was numb from the slaps. He pushed me off of his lap in a heap. “Kneel down there,” he ordered, pointing at the round rug. I complied. He came up behind me and pushed my head down to the floor, turning it so that my face was smashed against the rug. I heard him spit. “That’s all you get. That’s more than a little slut like you deserves, cunt.” He pushed into my anus, barely wetted with his own spit. I screamed, as I felt flesh cracking and ripping. He pushed my head harder, and once again, I couldn’t breath. He pumped for less than a minute, groaning the whole time. He pulled me back into a kneeling position by my hair. He moved around front of me and stuck his penis in my face. “Open your mouth,” he ordered. “It’s time that you find out what your shit tastes like. That’s right sluts eat SHIT!” I still don’t know if the odor of feces I smelled was real, or imagined, but I opened my mouth, and knew that I was choking on my own waste. He finished, and used a nearby towel to wipe himself off, then wipe my mouth, and lastly wipe the blood from my butt.

He gently brushed the tears from my eyes with his fingers. “It’s okay little lover. I’m not mad anymore. I had to teach you a lesson. You have to be faithful to me. I can’t have you messing around with boys, because you are mine. You are mine, and there is no way that I’m going to just let some filthy boy touch you. You mustn’t either. Just keep that in mind. You are mine.” He gave me some water, and then led me to the shower. He handed me the soap, and had me wash his penis while I stood outside. Water spattered the floor. He didn’t seem to notice. His penis stiffened in my hand as I washed. He put me in the shower, and stood outside as he washed the blood away. He lifted me and carried me to the bedroom. He had changed the sheets to a black satin. He laid me on the bed, and began kissing me, once again his tongue invading my mouth. Then he kneaded my future breasts and sucked on the tiny nipples. He began grunting, as he grew excited. He rubbed his penis all over my torso, and kept returning to put it in my mouth for a few seconds. “Lick it,” he would whisper. I did. Finally, when the grunts and groans were nearly constant, he spread my legs and pushed inside of me. The pain was immediate. I closed my eyes, and stared at the stars, and traveled to planets far away, in solar systems I’d never heard of. I planned to find a friendly intelligent alien race to come rescue me and kill Rollin. I never found them. When Rollin was done, and shook me back to Earth, he was pleased that he was such a good lover, that he’d made me faint again. I’d hoped that that was the end of it for the day, but he had plenty of steam left to try everything out one more time before the sun began setting and he sent me home with four twenty dollar bills, reminding me to use the pads, and reminding me to watch my “slut walk”. When I got home, I left a note that I went to bed early to catch up on missed sleep from my sleepover the night before. I spent another night with tortured dreams chasing me through sleep.

The second day set the routine for the next three. I would arrive in the middle of the afternoon, Rollin would be mad at me for… something. Rollin would punish me in the same way. I was a whore, a slut, a cunt, and a bitch. He hardly used my name at all anymore. He always ended the day talking about our wonderful relationship and how much he loved me. He couldn’t wait until the day we got married. Each day the amount of money he gave me grew. Each day the threats against my brother and Brina, if I didn’t come back, became worse. Each day the consequences for anyone finding out about my participation in his adultery grew worse. Each day I shredded the old clothes that I had picked out. I finally figured out how to walk almost normally. I used the pads, and smeared myself with the lidocaine sunburn ointment to dull the pain and be able to walk. I was not able to ride my bike, but my handle bar bag was a good place to hide the cash, which I didn’t even want to look at.

The sixth day, there was no truck. The seventh day, there was no truck, nor the eighth. On the ninth day, I left for summer camp. The bleeding had stopped on the eighth day. Clarissa’s other job had ended on the seventh day, so she spent the whole weekend with us. I followed her around everywhere. She thought that I was cute, and thought that I was so sad because I missed my Mom. I let her think that because it meant hugs and comfort and acceptance of my clinginess. I sure couldn’t tell her the truth. I spent those days in terror. I don’t know what scared me more, seeing any white pickup truck, or seeing a police car or officer. I thought that they would come any day and arrest me for making a married man commit adultery. Clarissa took me to church with her on the morning before she drove me to camp. She knew that my family didn’t believe in the same faith, but she didn’t mind if I didn’t. The Baptist women fawned on me and called me a sweet, cute little girl. I felt like a fraud.

When I got home from two weeks of summer camp, my parents had been home for a week. I was sick with a cold, and that served as a good excuse for my being withdrawn. No one asked after that. They assumed it was due to problems adjusting to a new stepfather. There were plenty of those too. When I was finally well enough to ride my bike again, I approached it slowly. I looked in the bag. The bills were neatly arranged, and there was an envelope, labeled “Leal.” Inside was a note from Rollin. He promised that he would come back for me soon. He was buying us a house, and I could go stay with him forever. Remember to be good, be quiet, and keep our secret to ourselves. I would hate to be in trouble, wouldn’t I? There was also another large envelope. It was packed with twenty-dollar bills. I took the entire stash to my cave. I burned the note, and left the money there for weeks. Finally, I took all the money packed it into a brown paper bag marked “donation” and left it on the porch of the local thrift shop that benefited a girls’ home.

It didn’t take long for me to learn how to laugh and tell jokes, no matter how I felt inside. I began using pins and needles to jab my arms and legs and chest and stomach. Soon I began scratching them. Then I found a piece of broken glass with two smooth edges, and began cutting. I learned how to write with the glass, and would often carve “slut,” or “whore,” or “cunt,” or “bitch” on my arms or chest. When my breasts developed, I would cut patterns around the nipples.

One night, my cat was sitting on my chest when coyote’s howled nearby. In her panic to get away, she scratched me several times. I had a number of cuts on my abdomen already, but hadn’t cut any patterns or words in several months. Two days later, I became very sick with pneumonia. The doctor saw all the cuts and scratches. He accepted the cat scratch answer because of the wounds that were puss-filled and puffy, and obviously inflicted by an animal. It was too close a call for me, and I quit. Not entirely, but managed to get by with a scratch or cut only every few months. I began calling myself names and criticizing myself daily instead.

Now, I have several cuts and burns on my arms and abdomen healing, with no new ones, since I told my friends and counselor about the cutting. Since I’ve stopped, I’ve had a really hard time controlling my anger, and my fear.

At times writing this story down has been so hard that I felt like I needed to cut. I didn’t do it though. I’m afraid that when you read this story, you will treat me different, that you will be disgusted with me, that you will hate me. I still feel dirty after all these years. I change my underwear every night before bed, because it always feels dirty. I usually change it at least once during the day. In the shower, I wash with a passion, and scrub with water that really is too hot and painful. I brush my teeth for five to ten minutes at a time with too much toothpaste. Sometimes it helps, but usually I’ feel dirty again within an hour.

I’ve done research papers on sexual abuse and rape. I know that child predators are clever, tricky, and relentless in their pursuit of victims. I know that Rollin planned everything, set it up, set me up. I also know that I shouldn’t have been there, certainly not alone. My mom was completely right the many times she told me not to trust adults I didn’t know. I should have fought harder. I shouldn’t have given in and become his slave so easily. I should have worried about the locked door. I should have told. He has undoubtedly done this again and again. He has undoubtedly escalated. There were times over those five days, that I thought that he was going to kill me. I am sure that he has probably killed some poor child by now. I could have stopped that by turning him in.

It probably would have been better if he had killed me. My brother would have been able to tell people where I’d been. It would even have been better if I’d killed myself. They would have done an autopsy, and discovered the physical trauma. My brother would have been able to tell them where I’d been spending my time.

One day, walking to our bus stop, we passed the row of identical houses, now each painted uniquely and each with a house number. I asked Orson “Which one did Rollin live in? Do you remember?” Orson stared and shook his head.

“That’s weird, but I just can’t remember. I could only tell by his truck.” I nodded, because it was the same for me. He is still out there somewhere. I know it. Where is he? What is he doing now? Who is he doing it too? Does he remember m? Because no matter how hard I try, I cannot forget him.

Leal Greer

More Survivor Stories

Share Your Story
Email me

Back to Surviving to Thriving

Copyright © 2002