Anonymous's Story
Anonymous's Story
I have read so many of these survivor stories and it has only left me minimizing my own ordeal, I guess because so many were by strangers, or rapes to children, I am not quite sure. I think that minimizing in my own mind what hurt and pain I suffered is what has prolonged the pain I now feel. I was 15 years old at the time and was never realy popular, so when a boy my age from the next town over wanted to go out with me I was instantly infatuated, my girlfriend that was with me the night that I met this boy didn't like him from the start and had heard he had been with many other girls, I ignored her as he assured me there was nobody else. My parents didn't care from him from the first time he called, they did some research and found that he had a criminal record and was a "trouble kid " they now forbided me to see him, I was tired of being such a good girl and rebelled, lying about where I was going i would sneak to see him never having sex, just making out. After lots of stress with my parents catching me in my lies and listening to my phonecalls I decided it was not worth it anymore that it was like they were breathing down my back to watch over me making sure I wasn't with him. Well, I explained over the phone to him that our relationship couldn't be that we lived to far apart and that i could not handle the stress, he wanted to see me one more time to say goodbye. I snuck to see him, we met at a elementary school around 4:00 on a cloudy day, he had his friend with him we went behind the school to make out and say goodbye, his friend was standing on the roof of the school when this boy I thought I loved forced himself on me as I repeatedly told him, no, that I was not ready,I can still hear him saying " you could make this easier, whats the matter are you going help me or what, I cant let you leave a virgin, I can still feel the gravel under my back and the way the tears streamed down my face and seeing his friend watching us from the roof top.
I became pregnant from this encounter denying it for months, trying to diet etc. one night as I was babysitting for people I always sat for on Sat. nights I heard a knock on the door it was him, he asked if he could talk to me I sat out on the front porch with the baby and he said to me looks like you are growing a little, I am sorry about the way things were the last time we were together but you could have made it better by just relaxing, by letting me in, it wouldn't have been so painful, he said that he was hoping that I was pregnant because it was the only way he knew that we could keep my parents from keeping us apart. It was then that the reality of the possibility hit me, I now truly feared being pregnant. I talked of my fear to a friend well words travelled, I was in my 6th month when my mother stormed in my room and asked me if I was pregnant and to lift my shirt, I was wisked to the hospital that night by my parents and they were the angriest I had ever seen them, I was tested for preg. and sure enough I was pregnant my parents wanted me to have a abortion but the doctors explained that was not an option so they tried to push for adoption, I would not consider. The pregnancy was long, and lonely, my parents were trying to hide me, I was taken out of the school because the school felt I was a liability. I did not speak to the babies father the entire pregnancy until I was given a choice by my parents to either give the baby up for adoption and live at home or keep the baby and move out... I couldn't give the baby up I had grown so attatched through my lonliness. I had never told my parents what happend to me because I knew they thought I was being rebellious and they wouldn't consider it rape. They blamed me. I called the babies father and told him I needed a place to go, his sister was a teenage mom and his mother seemed understanding and allowed me to move in. My family disowned me, I had nobody, and repeatedly although i no longer felt love for this boy I was forced to have sex with him because he knew I had nowhere to run to, he became increasingly possesive and abusive, his family became abusive as well.. I enrolled myself back in to school in and alternative school program and managed to graduate on time with that I contacted my parents and asked to come home with the baby. They allowed me to and fell deeply in love with my child. It was tough to get away, my daughter and I were run off the road, he told me that his face would be the last face I would see .. He was sent to jail for some pending charges of breaking and entering it was the break I needed. I met someone who I am now married too that adopted my daughter and the day we married we had security because we did not know of my abusers whereabouts and he had threatend that I would not make it to the alter.. I was petrified.
My abuser continued to screw up and was eventually charged with a count of rape, bank robbery,posession of a firearm without a license, among other charges.. My problem is that for years I did not view this as rape,and did not let it bother me , or so I thought but yet I was so fearful of entering places alone and other things. My problem is that for years I had a normal wonderful sexlife with my husband and now after 10 years of marriage I seem to be having flashbacks and feeling like I am once again that small girl and I truly love my husband but can't help the tears from falling. My daughter recently met with her father and I am sure that this is some of it but I don't know what to do with this and I am feeling so hurt.. my husband tried to talk to my mom about it and she confronted me with it very angry at me now for not telling her that I was raped.. I didn't know then, I thought it was me...
-Anonymous
Anonymous's Story
I was kidnapped and raped when I was 9 years old. I was held in a room for a night, a whole day, and half a day. No food. No water. Nothing. Just an empty room. I remember it like it was just 2 minutes ago. I was never really able to look anyone in the face after this happened. My life was changed completely. I hated attention after that. I yelled at my friends at school. I would isolate myself from everyone. It had hurt so bad. More than just my body. I had never seen this man before in my life. I remember thinking, "What did I do to him to deserve this?". I WAS a people person. I loved to be around people. So, when I first saw him, on the last day I was there, I didn't know weither to be afraid of him or not. I just looked at him. Until he had started touching me. I didn't like it, so I started to fight him. Me, I was maybe.. 4'5.. he was probably 6'2. You can guess how that fight went. He only had to throw me down and kick me once. Hard. In the side. You know the rest. It still upsets me to talk about it. Anyway, as he was leaving, he had left the door open just a tad. I think he was going to get something and was going to come back in. I wasn't really sure what he was doing. I got up, grabbed my pants, and ran. With all my might. I don't know how I was doing that. I was amazed at my strength. I was just in so much pain. but I took off like there was no tomarrow. I don't think he followed me. I hope no one saw me cuz I didn't have a chance to put on my pants until I found a hiding spot. He had taken it all off. I only had to take a few steps after putting on my pants to find out that I had been bleeding. Alot. It was running all down my legs and staining my pants already. When I got home, around 9:00 at night, my mom didn't have to think twice before getting the point. She took me to the hospital.. With a male doctor. I kicked him when he even got close to me. I hated my mom for having everyone hold me down. "We have to get you checked out" were her exact words. I cried. So hard. Today, I'm currently 13 years old. To this day, 12 therapy sessions, I still hate males. I never want a boyfriend, or get married. I'm starting at a new place next week. To get me over that little factor. The way I am now, I never cry in front of people, I always have to be the strong one. With the attitude, but when I'm alone, I feel relaxed, and cry when I have to. The way I was before, I was so open to people. Always care free. Always in a good mood. Things changed. Including me...
-Anonymous
When I was 4 years old, I was sexually abused by my brother. At the time, I had no idea that what was happening was wrong, but when I got older, I realized that it was.
I've never told my parents about what happened, especially not my mother, because I feel that she wouldn't understand & blame me for what happened. She sees that I'm going through a deep depression right now, & she thinks it's just that, a depression (I've was diagnosed as clinically depressed when I was 16), & that all of my problems will be solved if I take one of her stupid happy pills. She chastises me for not having a job, for sleeping in late, for going to bed late, & just when I feel the urge to blurt it all out to her, I remember myself & clamp my mouth shut.
The PTSD I have right now is crippling me. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to be home, I refuse to sleep on the side of the bed where it occured, go to any concerts, see any pictures of guys who look like him, hear/see his name, etc. What I want is for him to be punished for he did to me & all of the other [underaged] girls & for all of the paralyzing feelings that I have to go away. I want to feel a sense of normalsy in my life, & that's not going to happen unless I get help.
-Anonymous
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