Dana's Story
Dana's Story
When I was 15, I didn't have a care in the world. I was a very happy, niave child and thought that nothing could destroy my life. I was wrong!!!! I was shy, and not popular at all. I so wanted to fit in with the "IN CROWD", that I joined the Chess club at my local High School. A family friend (Louis, the name is changed) was also a member and kind of took me under his wing, so to speak. Now my family had known Louis' family for 10 years, we spent a lot of time together as friends. Anyway on that dreaded night, Louis had invited me to a Chess tournament that was at a Holiday Inn in the next town. He picked me up, and we talked about the players that were going to be there and that maybe I could meet some of them. I was so excited. We got there and went into the conference area and watched some of the matches. Louis was older than me by 2 years and I thought I had a big brother to look after me. (as I am writing this my hands are shaking) We met up with 3 boys from sch! ool, who I knew but not really well. David (again name changed) was on the football team, Mike (name changed) was a friend of Louis' and Steve (name changed) another guy that I had met once before. We hung out for a while and then Louis asked if I wanted to meet some of the players. I said sure, here was my big chance. Louis told me that there was a hotel room set aside as a hospitality suite for the players and that we could go there. Since Louis was a long time friend I trusted him, and went with the four of them to this hotel room. They opened the door and we went in. The room was small I thought, but didn't care because I felt like a big shot. I asked where the players were and Mike said that they would be there later. Ok, I thought. So we sat around talking for a while. Then David found out that there was a stocked bar in the room and started making drinks for them. At first I didn't want to drink, but I guess peer pressure at age 15 is more powerful. I starte! d drinking vodka and orange juice. I had about 3 and started feeling weird. Louis saw the condition I was getting in and told me to lay down on the bed and sleep it off for a while. That he would take me home in about an hour. So I did, I mean here was a guy that I grew up with and trusted completely, he would watch over me. I must of passed out right away. I don't know how long it was before I woke up, but (here is the really hard part) I felt something squeezing my left breast. My eyes opened to find David laying on top of me and my shirt and bra was pushed up over my breasts. I tried to fight, God knows I tried, but the alcohol in my system was making it hard. (Twenty-five years later it is still hard to tell the story.) David kept touching me, and I tried to scream, but he put his hand over my mouth. He then told Louis to come and hold my hands down and for Mike and Steve to hold my legs. I continued to fight with everything I had. Louis came over and pinned my! arms above my head so that I couldn't use them to fight. I remember looking up at him wanting to know WHY!!! Why are you letting this happen to me? As soon as Steve and Mike had grabbed my legs, David started taking my pants off and my underwear. Before I knew it, they were off. I kept looking around the room wanting the players to come in and help me, somebody, please help me. Steve and Mike then took my legs and spread them far apart. I thought "My God, I'm not a wishbone on a turkey." I tried to scream again but David slapped my face hard and I started to cry. I cried and kept saying "NO!", I don't know how many times I did. Then I felt the pain. That first gut wrenching pain of David pushing himself into me, I thought I was being ripped in half. I was a virgin, I knew nothing about sex. I knew that sex was what men and women shared when they were in love. I didn't love what was happening to me. I opened my mouth to scream the moment I felt the pain, but not! hing came out. Silence, I couldn't breath it hurt so bad. All I could do was struggle and keep saying NO! When David had finished, the other three took their turns. Even Louis, the friend I thought I could count on. Each of them took turns holding me down as I struggled and fight the whole time. But I never could scream.
The whole time this was going on I could hear them cheering each other on. "Poke that pussy, make her hurt". I can remember a song that I heard while this was going on also, "Tonight's The Night" by Rod Stewart. They finished what seemed to be an eternity later. I just laid there in shock. This couldn't have happened to me. I was a good girl. I didn't fool around, I didn't let boys touch me. I cried for a long time there on the bed. I couldn't look at them sitting at the table in the room smoking a joint. They kept comparing their performance to each other's. Who took the longest, who made me struggle the most. Finally, I got the strength to get up and walk into the bathroom to clean up. They told me not to close the door so I didn't. I took a washcloth and cleaned myself. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror even, I felt so dirty. I walked out and put my underwear and pants back on and just sat on the end of the bed.
Later, Louis drove me home and told me that if I said anything to anyone that it would be their word against mine and after all there were 4 of them and only one of me. He told me that I had been drinking so no one would believe me anyway. I didn't know what rape was at the time. I went into the house and went straight to my room and curled up into a ball on my bed and cried myself to sleep. The next day, my mother asked how the Chess tournament was. I just said fine and went to school. I started my period 3 days later and thank God I didn't get pregnant.
Needless to say, I dropped out of the Chess Club. After that I put up a total mental block when it came to that night. I would see them at school and go the other way. I was called two week Dana through the rest of High School. That is because, everytime a boy would start trying to touch me, I would break up with him.
It wasn't until 15 years after that night that I started to have flashbacks. At first, just images would pop into my head. Then I couldn't sleep at night, tossing and turning. I was married and still am to the most wonderful, caring and supportive man ever. He would wake me up from my nightmares and just hold me while I cried. Vince, my husband, would ask me what was wrong, but I didn't know. Or at least mentally, I didn't want to know. That is how far I had shut down about the whole thing. At Christmas that year, I went to my mothers house to pick up my son, and Louis was there. He had his hand on my son's shoulder talking to him. All I could think about was getting my child away from him. I made excuses and said I had to go.
It was only after the flashbacks got so bad that, while we were making love, I lashed out at my husband. I was hitting him and screaming. Being the loving husband that he is, he stopped and just held me. I felt so bad about it, I talked to my sister-in-law. She is wonderful! With her assurance and guidance, I went into therapy. At first, I didn't know what to say to Dr. Falk. But she told me that if I can't talk about it, that I might try writing it down. So I did, and she read it out loud to me at my next visit. Here I thought that she is a psychologist and that she is to help me get better, not make me relive the attack (I have a hard time writing the word). The emotions came flooding back and I cried for a long time. She told me to read a book called "The Courage To Heal". This book deals with sexual abuse, and it helped a lot.
I told her that Vince didn't even know what happened to me. She told me that I should let him read what I had written and then we should both come in to her office.
It has been 25 years since I was gang-raped, and it still hurts to talk about it at times. But I do know that keeping silent all those years only made it worse on me. To this day, my mother does not know and probably will never know. But that is all right now because I found the support system I needed as that child. I felt I had no one to turn to back then, but now, God forbid it should ever happen again, I would not stay silent.
I want to let each and every one of you know that you have a friend to turn to. I am here to listen, and I understand. Always remember that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I don't care how much you have had to drink, or smoke or what else. When you are not given a choice or you say no, it is the other persons fault, not yours. Please feel free to email me. I want to be there for anyone who needs help the way I did all those years ago. You are not alone!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks,
-Dana
Survivors or Victims of Sexual incestuous abuse- PLEASE READ THIS, I am only 16 but i will not be a victim for any longer. If you can survive this, you can survive anything, but it takes a lot of work as i have realised over the past 10 months.
My Mum became pregnant in 1986, during her pregnancy my biological father abandoned her and she prepared herself for a life of single motherhood.
When I was 18 months old, my mother met another man, Peter*. After a few months of dating, Peter* moved into our house and soon became my Dad.
Peter* cared for me, showed me love, affection, nursed me when i was ill, took me to school, was there when i came home, and my love for both my mother and father was equal. BUT, ever since i can remember, alongside this love and affection i recieved from Peter*, there was also sexual abuse.
I was always a Daddy's Girl, i loved my Dad like you could never imagine and I didnt even realise that what he was doing was wrong. I was so young and innocent, but that innocence was one thing he snatched from me and i can never regain that innocence. like my virginity.
When i was 10, Peter and my mum serperated but i saw my dad regurly.
As i grew a little bit older, i bagan to feel exceptionally uncomfortable with my dad's touching and abuse, but i was scared, i couldnt talk to anyone about wether it was right or wrong because if it was wrong i could have lost my dad. I began to argue with my mum more until i hated her. This was mainly because physcologically,i blamed her, although if she would have known, she would have protected me, but i still blamed her.
When i got to about 13, i began smoking and drinking. This gradually got worse until i was doing it every day and when i was 14 i began to sleep around, I had sex with anyone to make myself feel better. But i didnt feel better because afterwards i felt ten times worse- i was a SLUT! I felt dirty, unhappy, used and i still didnt stop.
When i was 14, i moved to live with my Dad. I know that sounds strange because he was abusing me, but i still loved him and trusted him- i had learnt to deal with the abuse, i lived, ate and slept sexual abuse, it was no different for me.
While i was living with my Dad, i was truanting from school, i just used to sit off some where and get drunk-often on my own. I didnt care. I didnt care about anything, i just wanted to die-so i tried to kill myself. I had the tablets, i had the drink (alcoholic) and i took 2 tablets. I stopped for a while and wiped the tears that were trickling down my face, i couldnt. Believe it or not- i couldnt kill myself because of my family but mainly because the love i felt for my dad was too strong and powerful.
I carried on as usual, still not going to school, drinking, having sex, fighting, crying and smoking ciggarettes aswell as cannabis.
I got in to lots of trouble until my mum forced me to tell her what was going on in my life and why i was so depressed and aggressive. Eventually, after a lot of feelings and thinking, i told her. It was the hardest thing in my life to do but since then i have stopped drinking as much, i am living with my mum, i am seeing a counsellor, i have just finished my GCSE's that over the last month i have had to do LOTS of work for, i am still having sex but i am not as bad as i was, i am no longer seeing my dad but i am coping with the mourning feelings i get for him and i know that what he done was wrong but he had a choice wether to do it or not- he chose to abuse me and i have chosen to be a survivior.
I have still got a long journey to travel but i am determined and although i have still got a lot of issues and feelings and my behaviour isnt perfect, i have recognised this and i am working towards what i want.
Please email me because i still have a lot of things i would like to talk about and im sure you have too. I am willing to listen and i would like to help people. I know i am only 16 but this is my story and i have matured and learnt from it.
I was raped because some put drugs in my drink and people think that it's funny to make make jokes about "slipping a mickey" in front of me
-Anonymous
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