Katie's Story
Katie's Story
I am always alert and defensive. I'm afraid of all males. Even if i have nothing to be scared of. They just scare me. Period. I've been through alot. Sexually abuse by my father, step-father, and my mom's boyfriend and being raped when i was nine is probably what did it. but.. even around my teachers. I'm all defensive and panicie. Please e-mail me if u wanna talk. It's hard finding someone who feels the same way as me.
Hugs&Healing
I've never been one to share my story...I don't think to this day I have ever told the entire thing. That time is soon approaching though; I hope.
When I was 14 and attempting to be as cool as one could be at that age, I decided that my sister was a great friend to have, and so were her friends who were in highschool. Friends in high school are a big deal, they have cars, break rules, party, they tend to seem popular no matter who they may be. My sister was a senior in high school and her friends were seniors and older. We had a large yard and often had parties and big bon-fires out there. There would be frisbees, guitar, football, good fun! I hung out with these older kids, and they became my friends. They were so nice, always buying me cool stuff and fixing things - just like every little kid looks up to someone. I suppose I was naive the night that I went to just another backyard party. There was beer and drugs as usual which I always managed to avoid, but this time; someone had forgotten to get soda-pop! So some guys (four) had asked me to go with them to get it. Of course...I said yes.
Turns out, we didn't go to get pop but rather went to one of the guys' house. Still, in the driveway I was oblivious to what was going on and they said they had some pop inside and I should go in to help them carry it out. When inside...it was like darkness fell. One of the guys grabbed my arm tightly and began a laugh that was so sickening it still makes me cringe. Once I was in his grasp he told me that I would enjoy this. Still not even knowing what "this" was, he practically dragged me into his room while the other 3 guys plopped on the couch and turned some music way up...I still remember it, it was ICP...ick. While in the room, he told me to undress I gave him a look like he was crazy, kneed him in the junk and began to run for the door only to be stopped by him wrapping his arm around me as he reached for a gun on his nightstand. At this sight, fear finally kicked in. With thoughts of death only entering into my mind, I reluctantly obeyed. From that point, this person who I had looked up to, admired, thought was "cool" began...stealing my dignity. Everything became so numb as time had stopped completely and it had began to feel like I reaced eternity. Eventually, the guy left and I curled up in a ball, glad that it was over, but horrified that it had gone on. In a matter of minutes I would soon find out that it wasn't over...it had just begun. The next guy game in and did his own things. I then realized that there were four guys...would I have to go through this four times??? By the time the third person had been half way through, I had blacked out thankfull, I suppose, I don't remember much of the third or any of the fourth. Once again i was deceived by the thought of it being over when I woke up. It was still dark out, but I don't know what time it was. All I know is that now all four men were in that room...so close to me I could smell each of them individually as they all did their own things at once.
In the midst of that I blacked out again only to be awaken by Amber, a girl who had been living with us at the time. She was dating one of the guys and had been driving around looking for me, suspecting that something was up. She carried me out to her car and drove me home. There, she took me to my room where I isolated myself basically the rest of the summer.
I isolated myself basically the rest of the summer. My parents had been on a month long vacation, they had no idea. My sister never said a word, I still have no idea whether she knew anything of this. Three years later (as a junior in high school) I decided I had to tell someone, silence wasn't so golden. I had befriended my school counselor and in a fit of desperation told her what I could. Recently I've been working so hard on trying to...come to terms with this whole thing. I can't handle the nightmares, the flashbacks, sounds, sights...everything seems like a trigger. I still don't know how to let it all out, this is amazing that I even did this, it seemed to flow so easily. So...send out your prayers for me please as I continue to work through this burried demon of mine. And if anyone has any advies...I am more than willing to hear it, I need it as much as you could imagine. Thank you...this was more a relief than I thought it would be.
my family was fractured from the very beginning. my father left when i was very little. my mother, a lawyer, put me in daycare as soon as she could, so that she could work to support me. i think my mum would've been a good mother if she hadn't been screwed over so bad by my father-- he left her bankrupt, and with a child she didn't want: me. i know she didn't want me, because she told me everytime she was angry, and she was often angry.
trying to explain the family dynamics that existed in my birth family could take pages, so i will try to sum it up. i think that we all, at least all of us women on my mother's side, suffer or suffered from some sort of anxiety disorder. i am grapsing at straws, really, to try and explain what happened.
daycare wasn't working very well for me. i was a very sickly and hyper-sensitive child (or so i was told). my grandmother took over my rearing when i was a toddler. i spent most of my time at her house. she was very loving, but very possesive and controlling. she was obsessive about cleaniness, and would force me to let her "clean me out" every night after my bath. she would enter me with her fingers, both anally and vaginally. she would not allow me to go the toilet by myself, nor take a bath alone. she interrogated me about my sexuality, asking me if i let anyone touch me, or if i touched myself. she did so until i got my period. she stole everything about my body from me: she was the one who discovered my first pubic hairs, she was the one who discovered my first period... she hated my breasts, and told me often that i would be sorry for them, because they were too big. this went on until i was 14.
concurrently, my mother went through a string of nasty relationships. my first stepfather was violent and abusive. my mother always was. my second stepfather molested me, and when i told my mother, she suggested that that is what men do, and that i wanted it. sickly, i think she viewed me as a threat, not someone to protect. so wierd.
i moved to my bio-dad's house at 13. he was violent, too. he had been sexually abused as a child, as well. my grandfather had raped my aunts and beat my father and uncle regularly, but my dad abused me w/ words. i am sure he is sorry, because he has told me he is on many occasions. he told me about all of his sexual exploits, about the hookers he hired, about molesting my cousin, about being raped himself, about how if i wasn't his daughter he would have sex with me. his house was littered w/ pornography. i accidently stumbled upon child-porn on the computer i used for my homework-- more than once. he tried to molest my bestfriend. it was like i was a safe place for him to unleash a torrent of sexual secrets he had held in his whole life. i still feel sorry for him.
my adolescence was full of abusive sexual relationships. i was date-raped on occasion. i tried to kill myself often. i developed a nasty drug/alcohol problem that i still struggle w/ to this day. i had continual panic attacks.
i don't know how to move on. i am trying. i went to college at 20, but dropped out last fall, because of the anxiety attacks, because i feel worthless, because i can't seem to have normal relationships w/ people. for the last three and a half years my boyfriend (bless him) has taken care of me. he is a good man. i am lucky to be w/ him.
i guess i'm healing. i intend to go back to college in the fall this year. at least, i hope i can.
the worst thing about all of it is feeling so worthless and to blame. i do blame myself, try as i might to not, for everything that happened. i live in exile from my family and i grieve them. i feel like the blacksheep, while everyone else just pretends that everything is okay. my mom still lives w/ the man who molested me. i don't talk to her anymore. she was never much of a mother, anyway. i remember her hitting me for vomiting. i remember being terrified she would kill me w/ her rage. sometimes, when my biofather attacked me, i thought he would kill me too.
i feel sorry for all of them. except my second stepfather, who i just hate and hate.
whatever.
you know, i'm alive. i could've died so many times. i feel blessed. i wish the anxiety would go away, tho, because it is hard for me to live w/ it. i am not even angry anymore, really, just tired. i feel like my life is slipping away while i am prisoner to the past, to flashbacks, to terror. i hardly leave my apartment anymore because i am so tired, and am afraid of having an anxiety attack in public. if i didn't have a dog, i probably never would leave my apartment.
peace everyone. good luck.
-Tai
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