Little Wolfe's Story
Little Wolfe's Story
I was around 11 years old when my 14 year old brother raped me anally. It was a violent, premeditated rape. I immediately told my mother what had happened, in very explicit terms. Her response was to ask me if I had told anyone, and then to become angry with me because I had confided in my best friend.
When my father arrived home the evening of the rape, they took my brother down into the basement (the scene of the rape and my father's office) for a period of time. I was not included. After the meeting between the three of them, my father came to me and said "you've gone through more than a child your age should have to". I remember feeling proud of myself, as though I had accomplished something.
That was the extent of what my parents did for me. No doctor, no psychologist, no help. I was sent to an empty neighbor's house after school every day until my mother returned home from work, while my brother was allowed to go to our home.
While I do remember the rape and some of the events in my life that followed it, there is so much of my childhood that I do not remember. I suffer from PTSS and anxiety, and I think I also suffer from depression. My memories come through in horrible nightmares that make no sense, but that leave me reeling emotionally afterwards.
I am 36 years old, and have been in the care of a psychologist for the past 8 years. I have a loving, understanding husband, and a support group comprised of many wonderful friends and my husband's family. I wake up every day and try to live my adult, responsible life, but inside the little girl who was abused is crying out for help. The hardest part about healing is that I had no one to comfort me when I was young, no one to tell me that everything would be ok, that I was safe and nothing bad would happen to me again. I have had no contact with my parents in nearly nine years, and I hope to never have contact with them again.
Three years ago the woman my brother married called me after five years of silence to ask for my help. She did not know at this time that my brother had sexually abused me. My brother was asking for a divorce, and was seeking full custody of their children. My brother never had counseling for whatever is wrong with him that made him rape a child, his sister. I felt that he would be a danger to his children, and I did everything I could to keep him from gaining custody of his children. I testified via telephone at his custody hearing, and told, in detail, the story of the rape and how my parents handled it. He was required to undergo a psychosexual evaluation, in which a licensed clinical psychologist determined that he was no danger to his children, even though he admitted to raping his younger sister, getting no help for it, and having no idea why he did it. He was not granted custody, but he was allowed liberal unsupervised visitation. That's the system for you.
Although on the surface I truly believe that I can get past all of this some day and live a nightmare-free existence, for now each day is a struggle, and wake up every morning dreading the day ahead. I am sad, I am angry, and I am frustrated. You have to have a license to drive a car, but not to have or raise children. I am glad I am alive, and treasure every good thing in my life, but I am so angry that I had to go through my childhood the way I did, and that I still have to deal with it now.
Little Wolf was my Indian Princess nickname as a child, but I like to think of it as a description of my toughness as a person. No matter how bad things get, never give up, and never accept less than you deserve which is only the best. There are a lot of good, supportive people out there. You do not have to accept abuse from anyone, especially your family, spouse, or significant other.
Fight for what you deserve, fight for your life. It is worth it!
This will really be the first time that I have told my story, except to two very trusted friends. I was married for 10 years to a man who was very manipulative. We have been divorced for three years now. He raped me once during our marriage, and attempted to rape me one other time. Both were when I was not capable of saying no, both times I had been at a party and had a bit too much to drink. The first time, all I remember is him lying on top of me, trying to force my legs apart. I managed to fight him off, and called a "friend" of mine, who in turn asked me what I expected, as I was all over him all night. I expected that when I said no, it meant no, but apparently that was not how it was viewed. The second time was several years later, and again, we had been at a barbeque at the neighbor's house. I remember he bent me over our bed, and raped me right there, with me crying. I don't remember telling him to stop, but I know I was not silent in the crying. These were the physical rapes. The emotional rapes were just about every time I slept with him, knowing I did not want him to touch me, and thinking that because I was married to him, it was my duty, and I owed it to him. I have had to relinquish our youngest child to him for the passed three summers for court ordered visitation. This is coming up again in a week and a half. It did not occur to me that every summer about two to three weeks before I have to see him, I go into an extreme panic, and have anxiety attacks that leave me to the point where I cannot breath. I have been through therapy for the abuse I suffered at the hands of this man. I am in a relationship now, and have totally pulled back from the man I am involved with because I do not want him knowing what my ex-husband did to me. I don't think that is healthy either. I don't know if this will ever get easier, and I remember thinking last year that I would not allow him to get me this panicky again this year, but here it is, and here I am, still panicked. Thanks, actually telling this has helped quite a bit.
I am a victim of date rape... i am 14 years olde and have never told anyone about it before until now... heres my story.... i met this guy about a year ago, july or so... we began talking, and started dating about a month later... i fell in love with him... and he said he was in love with me, but its hard to belive, because of what he did to me... the first time i saw him in person he took of my shirt... i was suprized by even that... i was a virgin than, and had never as much as kissed a guy... this was a big thing for me... then about the 3rd time i went to his house, he pressured me into sex... i was debating in my mind whether i should or not, i was a virgin, and wanted to try it... and i wanted him to like me... so i gave in..... that was the worst thing i could have done.... after that he felt he had power over me... and every time i went over his house, he pressured me into sex... only once i wanted to... and we were high on marijuana... i couldnt think straight... we continued dating for 6 months... and then, it became unbearable... on valentines day.. i went to his house to visit...we were having a good time, until when we were cuddling, he pressured me into sex once again... i said "no.. please, not this time".. and he kept asking, "Why? why? why?" i said "Because i dont want to"!!! But he still kept asking why.. all of the times we have had sex, we never used a condom... NEVER.... and i knew this time would be the same... i would always go into pregnancy scares after.. and tell him about it... and he would just laugh... like it could never happen... i told him, i dont want to get pregant.. and he said, "you wont" ... so after all the times i said no.. i just layed there.. and he entered me.. i started crying... and he asked what was wrong.. i said i dont know... i dont know.. i dont want to do it.. i felt so helpless, and confused... i didnt know what was happening... i didnt know it was rape... afterwards...when i got home... i found out he cheated on me that same night, and than, he broke up with me the following morning.... i was so crushed, and scared.. i wanted to die at that very moment.. i didnt know why i was so upset.. was it because i loved him? was it because i was raped, and didnt know it? I eventually got somewhat recovered over the break up about a month later... i just found out about a week ago that it was a rape... that led to more questions in my head... "Was i really raped?" "How could i have let that happen?" "Why didnt i know?" "Why did this happen to me"? I would always have suicidal thoughts when we were together, i felt worthless, ugly, stupid.... and i didnt know why... i was in love, why was i so upset?.... that was why... i was raped.. To this day, which is about a year after... i have never told anyone about what happened... I feel ashamed, and stupid... I sometime still see my rapist... at places in towne.. he might be coming to my school... and i just want to scream to everyone, "He raped me!!" so everyone understands my pain... so everyone would hate him as much as i hate him... i wish they could all see through me....
~peace, love, and empathy~
-Anonymous
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