Cathy's Story
Cathy's Story
I am a sexual abuse survivor. My real father died when I was a baby and my real mom moved in a new boyfriend. At the age of 5 he was molesting me. Finally one day after a few months I went in and told my real mom what had been happening when she would go to church. I remember that each time she would go to church I would cry for her to take me with her and she never did. At first when I told my mom she acted like she didn't believe me then she confronted him and the cops were called. After some time my mother went right back into the relationship with this boyfriend and my real brother and I were put up for adoption. I thought my nightmare was over, I was wrong. I was adopted by what seemed to be loving parents. I grew to love my adopted father after a few months of him reassuring me and keeping me safe. When we moved out of state and I turned 13 he gave me a explicit sex book to read and started waking me up at night to watch porno movies.He would make me do oral sex with him at night and on Saturday evenings when my mom was out. At 14 I tried killing myself and was unsuccesful. For some reason my father was able to talk me out of telling the psychiatrist anything, threatning that they would put me in a mental hospital. My father molested me right up unitl 23 years old(I was even married at the time). He had foster care kids in his house and was brought up on sexual assualt charges by these kids and I was in total denial stating that how could he be doing that to them when he already had me to do that to. The worst part of all this is he got me to trust him then turned my trust into fear and also told me that sex between parents and children was very normal. When he was locked up for the sex charges on the 5 girls I was never used as a witness. My father hired a great lawyer and is now on parole and probation for life. I have a restraining order against him because when I broke free of him at the age of 24 he tried contacting me so I took him to court to get a restraining order. He only lives 1/2 hour away from me. I am remarried and all that has happened has taken it's toll on me and my husband. My anger, depression, guilt, shame have turned me into a lonely person inside and out. I don't trust many people and I have no friends because I don't want to get close to anyone. I am presently going to go back into counseling because my anger, fear and panic is getting worse for me and my husband. Someday I hope to confront my adoptive mother and let her know what he did to me. I am sure she knows that it is believable because he did it to 5 other girls and pled guilty for it because he said his lawyer told him to. I am really angry with her as well. She is still married to him. They never loved me and that is hard to accept some days when you hear of other people and their wonderful parents. I hope my story could help someone else even though I am not fully recovered I am still here and are taking one day at a time. Thank God for my husband!
-Cathy
I am a Victim/Witness Coordinator (I help victims and witness through the legal system as well as make referrals). About a month ago my ex-psycho boyfriend tried to rape me. This went throught the Federal system and was plead down to a misdemenor assault and battery, because of two things, it "didn't look good" that we had a previous relationship and were still friends (I also gave him a ride that, in MY car, that night) also, this man was to leave to the service (keep in mind that we were at "war" at this time)in two days, after he asaulted me. I knew the prosecuters, I knew law enforcement, I had worked with these people. So after getting past the stigma of telling my story to them, hoping it would make a difference if and when he did it again (since he is free now)I told things to people that they should have never been able to know about me very private things. Then "he" bashed my past and present life, saying how horrible I was (I knew this was coming, because not a half hour after he left he called and made threats!) I have never felt so low and helpless in all my life, BUT, survivors are right!! only our voices can change things within our "criminal" justice system.. Keep your head up and you will be fine, 'cause we can't let them win by making us silent and alone!!!
-C.M.
My story began when I was very little, I think under one year old.
My father is what you would call a "real upstanding man." He is very intelligent, a teacher, attends church regularly, and volunteers. No one would suspect that underneath his "nice" demeanor is an evil monster who rapes babies.
I only know what happened to me from flashbacks, because I was so young and the abuse stopped when I was old enough to tell. The abuser was my father. He forced his penis into my mouth, choking me.
Growing up, I did not remember the abuse, but I was never comfortable around him. I knew he was attracted to me in a way that was wrong, in a sexual way, but I felt I could do nothing about it. He never respected my boundaries, so I grew up unable to set them for myself.
When I reached 14, I was forced into sex with a boy who was 17. That happened in my own bedroom. Then this boy proceeded to have sex with me many times over about two years in the cab of his pickup truck. I felt awful about it but it was like I was a trained animal performing or walking in a trance. I started drinking heavily and tried smoking cigarettes. This boyfriend threw me out of his pickup truck one night because he didn't like me smoking, and somehow that caused a total breakdown. I sobbed uncontrollably in the middle of the road for I don't know how long, then I went home and took a bottle of aspirin in an attempt at suicide. I didn't really want to die, though, so I called my best friend and went over to her house. The next day, feeling awful, I told her mom, and they took me to the hospital.
In the hospital, lying with my groin partially exposed on the exam table, my father came in and placed his hand on my naked groin. I guess he couldn't help himself. The nurse later came in and said to me, "How could you be so selfish to hurt your family like that?" I guess he charmed her like everyone else. He's a real charming guy.
After college I met another real loser boyfriend, this time one who became my husband. He hurt me, raped me, nearly strangled me one night, and took all my money over the course of our five year marriage. Finally I ended up in a psyche ward, my baby daughter in the hands of the terrible husband, and realized "Hey! You can either stay here forever and act crazy, or you can get your act together and rescue your child." So I got my act together and got out of there, got a job, left the drunken husband, and got an apartment.
For about one month, I would come home from work, put my daughter to bed, and sit on the floor and stare at the walls. Yet, it felt glorious to finally be free.
Then low and behold a wonderful man came into my life, and I am with him still. But that is not the end of the story. No, the evil father has to reappear one last time.
Well, what happened is that I still hadn't quite been able to remember or consciously admit to myself that my father was a pedophile, so he got his hands on my daughter and later, my infant son.
One day in the car, my son yelled out with no warning, "No Grandpa, no change diaper!" The clues to the abuse began to fall all around us like rain once we became aware and considered it as a real possibility. Pretty soon we were sure enough to confront him, and when my husband did, his reaction was so extreme and out of context that then we knew for sure. The body language of our children and their reluctance to be with him were more clues. Gradually, we found out a lot by reading "touch" books to our daughter, who then felt it was safe to tell us.
My mom and brother say is isn't true and that we are lying. I tried to tell my aunt and she said, "How could you say such a thing? I don't ever want to hear that again."
Now we are trying to heal from having our children abused by my father, and several years after finding out, we are doing really quite well. I do not see either my father or mother any more...ever. I finally am truly able to be myself and to heal without their interference.
I have mostly forgiven them both, realizing that they were almost certainly sexually abused as children. One by a priest and one by her father or uncles, I am not sure whom.
The worst part right now is healing myself with all the problems I have (self hatred mainly) and to not be able to stop my father from abusing other children. I am still very weak, although you would never know it to look at me and what I have accomplished.
I am very proud of myself for all I have done to insure future generations will be free from childhood sexual abuse which has plagued my family for generations.
-Anna Marie
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