Anonymous's Story
Anonymous's Story
i was raped just only a week ago. since then i have constantly been anxious, nervous, i feel like i have no control in my life, i cant concentrate, i want to die, y family knows but i cant come to talk to them, i feel like it was all my fault and i cant stop shaking. i try to firget about it and say it never happened but then i will see or hear somethingn and it will all come back and i will break down crying. but the information on this site has helped alot cause i now know that these feelings are normal. thank you.
-Anonymous
For 14 years I thought that my silence would portect me. Today I know that its not so. I was sexualy abused when I was 6 or 7 years old. I dont know for sure how old I was. I am still remmembering new infomation and details today. I didnt even acknowlege or remember the abuse until i was 15. Befor remembering the event, I was confused and didnt know why I felt so sad and alone. I attemted suicid at age 14. All I knew was that I wasnt like everyone else, no matter how many friends I had, nor how much love I recived from my family, i was always sad, and lonly. Over the last 6 years I have had flash backs, nightmares, and I think I now remember everything that happend. But new things keep poping up.
One night when me and a bunch of my friends were playing in town, a older boy that was about 13 asked me to follow him. He said he had something to show me. I followed him into the ally, near a tool shed. He told me to take off my cloths. When I question him he started yelling at me, so out of fear and confusion I did what I was told. He then told me to lay down on the ground, and agian I question him, and he pushed me to the ground. He started touching me everywhere, then kissing me near my vaginal area. I remember saying NO and TO STOP, I just kept saying it louder and louder. He stoped and looked up at me, between my legs and then he pushed my head against the wall of the tool shed, and told me to shut up and that no one would hear me, and I knew that he was right, there was nothing I could do. Then he just stoped. He said I could get up and put my clothes back on. Then he unzipped his pants and made me look at him, and then asked me to touch him. I saw my chance to get away, so I ran, as fast as I could.
I am 21 years old and have never told anyone my story in detail like that. I have spent years processing and trying to overcome what happend to me so long ago. I have found healing though telling my story. For so long I was convinced that it was my fault and that I should have fought back more than I did. I also thought that people wouldnt believe me, or that it wasnt that big of a deal, but it was to me. Today I know that its not true. I have told my sisters, and my boyfriend and all of them have been extreamly suportive and understanding. I dont know how sharing this on the net is going to make me feel, or if it will help, but i have nothing to lose.
After high school I went to a JC, and continued to live at home. I had fun but longed for thr "real college experience." I transfered to a school more than an 8 hour drive away from my parents, friends, and the small town where I grew up. I am an only child- andmy friends are extremelry close to me. I was never known for my independence- so me making the move by myself was a big deal. I was always known as the n"nice" one- and I was a;ways paranoid at making people mad at me, so I am usually a laid back person and I tend to go along with what other people want. I don't like being the "leader". I moved in at the end of August, and the night happened at the begining of October. I tried to go out of my way to be a nice, funny person. I had met a few people, and I got along really well with 4 of my 7 roommates, yet this wasn't something I could tell them. It turned out that one of my friends was in the navy, and she was stationed where I went to school. I would go out with her and her friends. Many nights it would be just her and me and a big ol' group of guys. THe night that it happened we were both really drunk...and I had to go to the bathroom- but she wouldn't go with me. One of the guys we were with offered to take me, and I didn't complain. I know we didn't hook back up with the group right away after we were done. We danced out on the dance floor and he continued to buy me drinks. I think the main thing that got me was the tequilla shots. I had taken shots before- vodka, bicardi, and stuff- but never tequilla. For some reason tequilla always scared me. That night I don't know how many I had- but I know by the end of the night I was scared of whistles. When the people came by with the tequllla shots they would tilt your head back and pour it into your mouth while blowing whistles, and then they would shake your head all around. At first I just didn't open my mouth but it dripped all over my face and onto my shirt that it was almosta reflex that my mouth opened. I was worried he would get offended if I said no to the drinks...and that fact makes me sooooo mad when i think about htis whole thing. I vaguley remember what happened after. I know we made out- which isn't like me at all. I had been drunk before- but I am not the type of person who hooks up with random guys. I also know he had his hands down my pants- but at the time I couldn't figure out why! We ended up leaving finally and when we got home, at like 6 in the morning, and all I cared about was going to sleep. I laid on the couch and I could feel him next to me- but I didn;t care. Then he started doing things again- I remember I called my friend- but she just yelled for me to go to sleep. I tried telling him no, but he said something like "we have to finish what we started." I don't think anything else happened but the scary thing is I don't know. I woke up in my friends bed the next day- with hickies all over my neck- and it became kind of a joke...I went along with it but it wasn't funny to me. The worst part is that the guy is married and has a daughter. I never went back to my friend's house she always had to come to my dorm or we'd meet somewhere else- but I never wanted to run into him. If I saw him walking down the street- I probaly wouldn't recognize him. I couldn't hide my hickies from my roommates and they all saw me as someone different than who I am. Even my friends back home don't know how much this affected me... it happened in October, and it's already May- I should totally be over this but I'm not. I don't really tell anyone that this still..."haunts" me in a way because I don't even still think it should- so why should anyone else?
-Ashley
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