Emily's Story
Emily's Story
It was my third week of college. I had never lived away from home before and I was so excited to be starting over. I got drunk and ended up in a dorm room with a bunch of friends. It got to be really late--around four thirty and I was falling asleep sitting up. He was a good friend of mine so when he took me to his room to get a drink of water I didn't think anything of it. I laid down on the bed and shut my eyes. I heard him walk in behind me and shut the door and I heard it lock. That little click should have set off some sort of alarm in my head but it didn't. I must have passed out or just fallen asleep because I woke up with him on top of me. I froze for a minute. I kept thinking, "he just doesn't know. he doesn't realize I'm not awake". But when he started to pull at my clothes I had to accept that he knew...he just didn't care. I started fighting him. I said no first, then I pushed him. Finally, I rolled out from under him and off the bed. I might have gotten away too except that I tried to kick him as I moved away. He grabbed me by the ankle and pulled me back. He was mad now. It was like someone had flipped a switch. My friend, the man I trusted was gone and there was a monster in his place. He was so angry. Most of that night is a little fuzzy but the memory of his face at that moment is completely clear. He hit me once, hard. Enough to stun me and make me black out for a few seconds. I was frozen again. He pinned my hands and held me in place as he raped me. I don't think I moved again until it was over. When he was done he got up and got dressed and offered to walk me home. Whatever switch had been flipped before had obviously been flipped back. I pulled on my clothes and ran out. I spent the next few years not sleeping, not eating, not going to class. I just went numb--I didn't cry for nearly a year and a half. Now, as I approach graduation nearly four years later I am filled with regrets. My entire college career has been colored by him. No one here knows what I was like before it happened so in a sense no one knows me at all. That's not to say that I don't like the person I've turned out to be. I just wish I could have taken another path to get here.
I am a 33 year old female. When I was 9 years old my parents took in two foster children. One of them raped me twice and had abused me on one occassion before that. I didn't tell anyone. My father had a terible temper and I knew that he would be incredibly angry-not something I wanted to deal with. My mother had told me once that some women deserved to be raped, was I one of thoes? Actually, I really didn't understand what had happened. He was just going to show me what it felt like. I didn't want to, be he told me I would be in trouble for the time I had already spent with him, and if I told anyone the authorities would put me in another home. Within a year I had missed school for a month-although nobody really knew what was wrong, I lost most of my friends, and I started gaining weight. My grades dropped from almost straigh A's to just barely scraping out B's. (However, doing school work felt safe and was a good place to hide, so I always managed to do well). I was very involved with church and 4-H, but looking back I can see that when the main meeting was over and it was time to have fun, it was time for me to leave. I didn't trust people, I didn't trust boys, I didn't trust anyone.When I was 16-18, my mother was constantly telling me that if I ever got pregnant, it would be okay to tell her, everything would be alright and I would stand there and listen and wonder why she was telling me this because I neither dating, nor was I interested in dating. I first started thinking about ways to kill myself when I was 14. I don't think I could ever carry them out, but it became a kind of a game. I would walk into a room and try to find at least 5 ways to kill myself in that room-breaking a window and cutting myself, strangling myself with the curtains, etc. I think in some ways it just provided a release for everything. I wanted to become insane by the time I was 21. Luckily that deadline has passed, but there are new ones. I made it through college although I have not been able to keep in contact with anyone, it is just to hard. It was during my final semester in college that I realized that I had been sexually abused-before that I knew something had happened but I didn't know what to call it. After college, I began a full time volunteer position. It was during my first year there that I began having lots of flashbacks, and it was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I told a few people, one felt sorry but wondered why I had told her. Another one started talking about it everytime I saw him-ugh! Others were sympathetic, but it had happened in the past and I just needed to get over it, and I still do. Eventually, I spent three days in my room, only coming out to use the bathroom, and I was very proud of myself for being able to do that much. I have found an excellent therapist. I still have many ups and downs and have been hospitalized once for depression and self-abusive behavior. Sometimes, it seems that things have to get much worse before they get better. Although, out of that hospitalization, I also found a support group which has also been helpful. Recovery is VERY slow, but it is happening.
-Anonymous
am a 32 years old man with a secret... actually secrets. I have lived with these secrets for so many years. Tonight, I just want to go to the highest mountain and scream I WAS MOLESTED!!! I ask myself, why didn't I tell? Why did this have to happen to me??
can remember being 3 or 4 and having my older male cousin take me to the basement of our home and having me perform oral sex on him. How can I remember that but not my birthdays or Christmas. I was an other child. My mother loved me.. but my little brother, the golden child, the biological child of her boyfriend. I was always put to the side and dumped off on people. Maybe that is why my uncles had so much time with me. Uncle John liked to masterbate in front of me when I was 5 or 6. That is also about the same time Uncle Ron started messing with me too. He would get me to take my clothes off, touch me all over. He liked to perform oral sex on me and have do the same to him. He tried to have anal sex with me but he was too big. This went on for years. Why didn't I tell??????????????!!!!!!!!!! I remember having stupid thoughts.. like that my body was changing... I was a yougn biy and knew that womens hips got wider, I thought was becasue of sex and I remember always being worried hta my hips were getting wider and people would see me and be able to tell. One time when I was about 10 or 11 my mom actaully walked in on me and Uncle Ron. We were in the garage... no lights on, he was giving me head. All of the sudden mom walks in. She can't see anything and by the time she gets the lights on we have pulled up our pants. I was scared. I was going to be into trouble.
We went stragith home. She asked mme over and over, what was going on in that garage. WHy were the lights off and why were me and Uncle Ron out there alone. I LIED... I ahd a chance to tell and I LIED!!! I told her were only telling ghost stories and the lights off made it scarier. (that is what HE told me to say if they asked)
Did it stop there, after the close call.... no, this sick man continued to molest me for years. He even did things with animals and made me watch.
What do I do now.... he has 2 boys of his own... everytime I see him I don't think anything about it but when I am pulling away from the Christmas dinner at grandmas or the family reunion, I wonder, has he stopped doing these sick things. Is he messing with his own kids. Surely not, they would tell.. I know his big mouth kids... but then again, I didn't tell.
My brother told my parents 2 years ago after his 3rd divorce that as a child a guy living down the street tried to touch him and he had never gotten over it. They all came to me and asked me if I knew anything about it and if this guy ever touched me. My stomach turned flips. I couldn't talk! I wanted to drop down and cry and tell say, you think trying to touch was bad enought to ruin your life???? Try stepping in my shoes!!!
I was just alittle boy that was taught to give head and my body was for others. And I ENJOYED IT!!!!! But did I enjoy it or did I just enjoy the attention. I was starving for attention. These men treated me nicely, they wanted me around. They wanted all to their selves. And when we were alone, they wanted more. GOD< why me????
Recently, I was asked by soemone to tell me about my childhood life. Y aknow what my answer was.... it was good, I had a mom that loved me as well as a step dad. I LIED!!!!!! I LIED!!!!!!! My whole life was a lie!!! God, I just want to die!!
But I can't, I can;t die... ya wanna know why
1. I have a loving wife!
2. I ahve wonderful kids.
I love GOD.
I am a foster parent that has helped a lot of kids.
I have just adopted a child.
I love my job working with spec. ed. kids.
Because if I keep forgetting the past...I can get through this.
I know #7 has been my problem all my life... but by telling I will ruin so many... plus, it has been so any years. I am exhausted now. I have said more about this tonight than I have in the last 30 years!
-Just Me
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