Anonymous
Anonymous
Where do I begin to relate something which my family blames me for or at least thinks I let happen? It's hard when people don't understand. First of all, let me make clear that I in no way wanted any of the things that happened. It's hard for me to speak out but, speak I must.
I met a guy on the internet. Simple enough. He seemed too nice to be true. Clue number one. I ignored things like this at the time just because I was depressed and wanted to hear sweet words I suppose. My husband and I weren't getting along at all. Hence, the reaching out toward the internet friends idea. Looking for love led me down the darkest path I ever went on.
This went on for a month, then we met. I was assaulted that same day by this man and his friends in a park. Naturally, afterwards I was afraid of parks or being outdoors. Little did I suspect what happened because I was drugged. Completely knocked out. When I came to I had a severe asthma attack. I turned blue and this man tried to say I had a bad dream and that I should forget it. My mind was in a fog from the drugs so I trusted him. He kept asking if I trusted him. He refused to take me to a drugstore for medication for my asthma, later saying (asking)why did I not tell him to take me?? So much confusion and he kept me walking around the park till I nearly dropped from exhaustion. Little did i realize he wanted to snatch me away to another state. He tried but I managed to turn my van around after refusing to take him where he wanted to go. This all happened previous to going to the park, actually. Al that driving had also drained my strength and will to escape. Fine. It went on all day. I finally managed to leave very late at night and drive home. This was only the first of many similar incidents in the future. If you're wondering why I kept going back to him I can't hinestly say except that he kept making me feel it was my families fault I was unhappy. Brainwashed in a day!!! (I know because I asked my counselor if this was possible, and it is)
To make a long story short I am now a year past all that happened to me and am still suffering with depression, anxiety outdoors, and my body is damaged permanently as well. A slipped disk and shrinking breasts are the main problems resulting from 10 months association with a man I thought loved me and that I believed I loved. It was all a sham. Now my body and spirit are paying the price of the severe abuse they sustained during this time. Am I a whore? No, but in other peoples eyes my body shows all the signs. I was duped into believing lies of the ultimately worst kind.
-Anonymous
I am 38 and been silence for over 21 years. I don't remember dates...names I remember. Date rapes...they were date rapes.
The first time I had a boyfriend was nice. I was 17 years old and new at this, just starting exploring my sexuality. I was late, hit puberty at a late age...I was still a child at that age. The man I met later was 30 something. I was still 17. He was nice to me. We went for a walk and he took me to a quiet spot and began to kiss me. This was nice as well. When his hands went down my pants I got a little bit scared. I moved a bit but he put his finger in my vagina. Confused of the feelings that went through me I just became curious and let him touch me. When he unzipped my pants and went down on me I got nervous. I didn't know what happened. He just did things and I said softly...no...don't do that. But he did it anyway. How could I resist? I was 100 lbs at that time and I am just 5,2 ft. He was so strong and held me close to his face. I could not move. Fear came upon me and I wondered what he wanted from me. I was still a virgin and I knew nothing about sex....oral sex I never even heard of it. I was so damn innocent. Than he came up and began to kiss me and that is when he started pushing me down. He unzipped his pants and I saw his penis. It was errected and I was scared to be that close. I said I didn't want to do it anymore but he said "Do it to me..I did it with you" I said no but had no idea what he meant. Then he forced his penis in my mouth and held my head tightly, pulling me there with my hair and he gave me instructions what I should do and how I should do it. I was scared and almost vomited with that thing in my mouth. Than he came in my mouth. It was horrible and I was so scared. I had no idea what he had done to me at that point. I went home, drank a lot of milk, because I thought he peed in my mouth and brushed my teeth for an hour. The next few weeks he began to give me drinks and when I was drunk he would take me outside and forced me to do oral sex with him. I vomited sometimes I had tears in my eyes all the time, but I listened to him and his instructions. He enjoyed it so much, but never went down on me again. He just pushed me down, pulled my hair and I had to do oral sex with him.
I became an alcoholic, promiscuous and was crying when he ended this....thing we seem to have.
The second abuser used my body for six months for his own pleasure. He forced himself upon me, but we never had intercourse. Just rubbing and putting fingers in my vagina. I was always drunk so I let him, even if I didn't want to. We broke up and that was it. He had humiliated me mentally many times during tose six months ...it was a destructive relationship.
Months later I met him again and we went for a walk. Again he started to touch me and I responded....suddenly he wanted to penetrate me. He put down his pants so I could see his penis and he helped me put out my pants, spreading my legs. As he wanted to penetrate it hurted a lot. I was dry and scared....still technically a virgin I had never had intercourse with a man. I said that we should stop because he was hurting me...he said it hurted because I was not relaxed and because I was tight being a virgin and so on. He used a condom with lubricant because he could not enter me. I laid there saying that we should not do this, that I didn't want this. He spread my legs again and I whispered no. He penetrated me violently and told me to relax. I screamed of pain, moaned and said stop, don't do this..please. He began to move and it felt like he was ripping me open. His hand was on my mouth and he told me to be quiet. My crying, moaning and moving body, trying to get out turned him on more and his movements became rougher and harder. Than he came violently and it hurted like hell. I started to cry and scream out of pain and he said that I just had a wonderful first orgasm. That was the reason why I cried. I think I had a sort of orgasm...the pain made me loose control over my body. I felt horrible afterwards and cried, I felt sore and scared. There had to be blood, but I can't remember. He told me it always hurt the first time, that I was crying because I had so much fun and even comforted me. He told me that women always cry when they have a great orgasm. Because I let him touch me and I obeyed him undressing my lower body parts I never thought that he raped me. It was my own fault and I never should have listened to him. I was a bad girl and felt ashamed. I was still sore the next day and burned the underwear I was wearing.
I also have escaped an attempted rape...a sort of gangbang. The three men brought me to a little forest and the began to undress me. They touched my breasts, squeezed them hard. Six hands was too much to handle. I kicked and screamed No! Please, God No! Their hands touched me between my legs and they were all laughing....how ugly I was and so on. Suddenly I just told them I had my period. I really had my period. I was scared and they kept on touching me and feeling and squeezing between my legs and so on. One of the men noticed that I was wearing a tampon. It sounds ridiculous, but they stopped. They didn't want me because I had my period. "She is telling the truth" and they left me there. I got dressed went home and drank a lot...never reported the sexual assault....
I never reported these five men that abused me, raped me and humiliated me. I don't know why, but I felt it was all my fault. I started making out or flirting, they had the right to finish what I started.....Stupid I know, but I was so innocent I had no idea that date rape excisted and the sexual assault, why should I have reported that. I escaped, didn't I?
I can't have orgasms when I make love with my husband, I need pain sometimes when I masturbate and I just start hurting myself. I am an alcoholic that is trying to stay sober...but I can't seem to stop drinking. It is such a struggle every day! I still use painkillers, alcohol and valerian to make love to my sweet husband. I never told a soul about this and I just shortly realized that it was rape....I feel awful and sad and it took me 21 years to accept the fact that they raped me and destroyed me mentally. I am still in the beginning of the healing and it hurts like hell......I hate them for what they did to that innocent girl that I was.....The drinking is a way to kill myself slowly, but feeling numb and happy when I am drunk is so addictive...I will overcome this...someday I will be free and my own true self again...the girl I was when I was 16.....
-Anonymous
This story starts when I was 7 years old. We lived in a large city suburb and had property issues so we had to move to the city. It took us next to the worst thing in my life. We moved next to this lady and her son along with the son's sister. After a while the son started by showing me his dick. For the longest time he just showed me his dick. He soon became good with the family and was allowed to come into our home. That in part made the abuse even worse. He then started touching me and asking me to suck him off. I never did but he always tried to get me to do that.
Eventually my dad and mom was watching out a window and seen this happen to me. we filed a police report but that did no good the police only told us we was getting revenge. I was 12 years old when it ended and it still hurts me today. After i turned 14 years old My mother left home and started to date this guy who hurt me all those years. To this day she is still with him. Ive suffered depression and many times needed medicine to control it along with hospital treatment. Im still struggling with who i want to be with sexualkly because I dont know how I can have a relationship with either man or woman. It hurts me to no end. Now at 21 I often wonder why the reason for this is? Ive dated men and women and dont know where or what my life has turned to from this.
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