Julia's Story
Julia's Story
I am 19. I am a freshman in a christian college. My story begins with my naive notions about the world.
Before my rape, which was only 1 month ago, I believed that nothing could ever happen to me. In highschool and a little bit in college I would party, get drunk, and somtimes make out with guys. Nothing major. I was the only girl out of all of my friends that hadn't had sex. I guess I felt a little young. I felt somewhat ashamed of the fact I was a virgin. (Now thinking about my virginity I feel ashamed I felt this way. I NOW know my virginity was something special. Yet my counselor tells me that I STILL am a virgin.)I went to a party with my best friend Laura. She is very outgoing and absolutely beautiful. Guys drooled over her, and I always deep down felt as if I were in her shadow. I never told her this of course. Before we got to the party that night we "pre-partied" a bit. And by that I mean I took down about 5 shots of Aftershock. She only had 1. I had a feeling I wanted to make out with a random guy that night so I had to get a little drunk first because I'm pretty shy. We went to the party with a guy my friend Laura knew but I didn't. We walked in and I was pretty smashed already. I finished off about 3/4th of a bottle of my Aftershock. Oblivious to the dangers of all the strangers around me. I felt nothing bad had ever happened to me before so why worry about tonight? I was really outgoing at the party because of all the alcohol. Then, my friend and I met him. He said his name was Eric. He was SO HOT! To this day I don't remember what he looks like. I only remember the vague outline of him. Maybe because I was so drunk or because I blocked him out of my memory. All three of us ended up talking for a few minutes. Then Laura left me with him to talk to some other people. I remember thinking HOW GORGEOUS he was, and he was talking with ME! We ended up kissing in front of people. I'm NOT like that. I was so drunk I was kissing in front of everyone. I remember him saying, "I feel weird making out in front of everyone. We should take this somewhere." And then I reply with an ok. So we go downstairs and make out until people start showing up down there too. So we move up stairs and I find my friend. I'm so drunk I forget about him and do my own thing. My friend and I use the bathroom, and he is just waiting there by the door for me. At the time I thought, "WOW he must like me!" NOW, I think about how he was following me being like a predator looking for his prey. I was his prey that night. Somehow we ended up stairs. Not knowing what was going on I sat on the bed. When he turned off the light I remember thinking how weird it was he shut the light off. Why would he do that? But my slow reaction time and not knowing what was about to happen worsened everything. I still had my thick jacket on and he pulled it off as we were kissing. He was SO touchy feely. It seemed as if he was too eager. There was a feeling I'd never experienced that was inside that room. Everything was happening too fast. He never asked me what I wanted or what I was thinking. I remember him vaguely trying to go down my pants and I sat up quick and said in a drunk voice, "I don't want to do this with you. I'm not a slut." I remember repeating, "I'm not a slut," several times... Then he sat up with no shirt on. (I didn't even remember him taking it off!!) He was like, "I don't think you're a slut. It just seems like you are telling me 1 thing and WANTING another..." Not realizing it then but now I do, he was trying to persuade me. To make me feel guilty NOT doing anything with him. I told him I wanted to go downstairs. We DID go downstairs. Then he asked me if I wanted more to drink. I said, "YA!!! For SURE!" I was totally at his mercy at this point. He gave me MORE alcohol. Everything after this point is very shady. Somehow we winded upstairs again. This time he was very serious. He wanted to get things done. I could tell. We were kissing which was ok with me. Then I don't remember anything... I must have passed out for a second or two and I found that he had pulled down my pants and underwear to my shoes. I then remember in slow motion him pulling up my shirt to fondle my breasts. He never took off my shirt he just wanted to touch me. I don't know why I didn't do anything. I didn't know what was happening. Then he went down on me for 2 seconds. Then I remember a HORRIBLE pain between my legs. I was so drunk, and out of it I didn't know if he was hurting me or inside of me. I just sat there on the edge of the bed, letting it happen. I was scared, afraid to move. I was paralyzed yet I could move my body. I'm not sure how long this lasted. Maybe 2 maybe twenty mintues. I don't know. It was all in slow motion. I think I pushed him off...or maybe he was just done with me. I remember saying, "I don't want this. I don't DO this." And quickly pulled up my pants. He was just sitting on the bed looking at me, just staring. Unable to speak. I got my coat and he just laid on the bed with his penis hanging out of his pants. I got my friend and we left. I told her later that night through my tormented tears that I thought I just had sex. I told her I didn't know what was happening. I said, he never asked me if I wanted to have sex or not. He just took advantage of me being drunk. When we arrived to my apartement I had a nightmare. The nightmare was that all of my teeth fell out. I woke up in shock, with a hang over, and the fear of what happened that night. I was broken, absolutely shattered. My life was slowly dying. I was living a nightmare and a lie all at the same time. I went to the bathroom and saw my underwear was covered with dried blood from the night before...I KNEW then I must have had sex with him. I told myself I had sex with him. I didn't let myself think that I may had been raped. It was easier to handle. Then I could just tell my friends it was a mistake and that I wasn't a virgin anymore. It was only until that night when I was in absolute depression beyond words that I told myself I may have been raped. I remembered a class we had once at school where an advocate for rape victims came in and talked to us about rape and what to do. So I called my brother Tim. Breaking my silence to my brother was the first step in my healing. I ended up calling my friend and going to the hospital and got a rape kit done. I then went to my parents house for a week, insteading of staying at school. I went through hell and back in that week. I saw a rape counselor. She helped me deal with my fears. I ended up going back to school only to face more of my fears. My fears of losing my friends who partied. (because I never wanted to party anymore.) My fears of being a different person. And my fears of having no one to talk to or who really cared. I have since come to realize TRUE friends are very hard to come by. Also, that family is the MOST important thing in my life. NOTHING takes the place of my wonderful caring family. I love them dearly. My fear NOW is that I am boring because I don't go out every weekend. I was taught in therapy to make time for myself, yet I feel like somewhat of a loser doing so because I was SO used to going out all the time. Sometimes I DON'T want to be with friends yet I DON'T want to be by myself. I am afraid I will fall into depression. I am just afraid of so many things now. I'm afraid of the little things and the big things. Yet, I'm keeping up with my studies and still have friends and acquaintences. I think deep down my fear is that because I am a different person now I will have to start my life over again. And I don't want to have to do that. I do feel that this horrible experience of being taken advantage of and being raped did give me perspective on life. I feel closer to my family more than ever, and feel closer to all people who suffer, because of how much hell and I went through and still am going through. My life will never be the same, but having web sites to write down my story like this helps very much.
-Julia
IT HAS BEEN AWHILE AGO SINCE MY SEXUAL ASSAULT HAPPENED, I GUESS I AM WRITING BECAUSE NO ONE BELIEVED ME, THEY ALL SAID THAT I PUT MYSELF IN THAT POSITION SO IT WAS MY FAULT. WELL ONE DAY , I WAS VISITING A FAMILY WE HAD KNOWN FOR ALL MY LIFE, THEY OWNED A CAR DETAIL BUSINESS. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTED IN FIXING CARS AS I WAS RAISED WITH 4 BROTHERS. ANYWAY, I OWED AN ELECTRIC BILL, SO I ASKED THE FATHER IF I COULD WORK FOR THEM FOR A WEEK OR SO TO EARN THE MONEY FOR THE BILL, HE SAID SURE.
I CAME BACK THE NEXT MORNING, READY FOR WORK, WEARING BLACK JEANS AND A BLACK T-SHIRT, NOTHING OFFENSIVE OR SUGGESTIVE.
I HAD TROUBLE GETTING THE FENDER OFF, SO I HAD TO LAY UNDER THE CAR, AND HE CAME IN FOR THE SECOND TIME, THIS TIME HE SAID, IT WAS TIME TO DO A DEPTH CHECK. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. SO I JUST STAYED UNDER THE CAR AND WENT ON WORKING.
AFTER ABOUT A COUPLE OF HOURS, HE CAME BACK THE THIRD TIME, HE TOLD ME HE COULD BREAK ALL THE BONES IN BOTH MY HANDS, I THOUGHT WHAT A WIERD THING TO SAY, AND DISMISSED IT , STUPID HUH? WELL AFTER THIS HE LEFT AGAIN, IT WAS ABOUT 15 MIN LATER HE CAME BACK, AND PINNED ME FROM THE BACK AGAINST THE CAR, HE PROCEEDED TO PUT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND WITH THE SAME HAND REACH INTO MY SHIRT AND FONDLE MY BREASTS. THEN HE TOOK HIS FREE HAND AND UNZIPPED HIS PANTS, I WAS SO SCARED I FROZE, HE THEN PULLED MY LEFT ARM BEHIND MY BACK AND PUT MY HAND INTO HIS PANTS AND RUBBED MY HAND OVER HIS PENIS. I DID NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY, STAYED VERY MOTIONLESS AND ACTED VERY COLD. THANKFULLY ABOUT THE TIME HE WAS STARTING TO GET UPSET BECAUSE I WASN'T RESPONDING, HIS FATHER WAS TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR, SO HE JUMPED AWAY FROM ME ZIPPED HIS PANTS AND WALKED OUT. I FELT LIKE A ZOMBIE, WENT HOME AND CRIED , CRIED, CRIED. I FELT LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT. I WAS HOME ABOUT A COUPLE OF HOURS, WHEN SOMEONE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR, I LOOKED OUT MY PEEPHOLE IN MY DOOR BUT DIDN'T SEE ANYONE, I OPENED THE DOOR AND THERE HE WAS STANDING OUTSIDE MY DOOR. I SLAMMED THE DOOR SHUT, AND LOCKED IT TIGHT.
I PRESSED CHARGES WITH THE HELP OF A WOMEN'S SHELTER, BUT HE NEVER DID TIME, BECAUSE HE NEVER SHOWED UP IN COURT, HE HAD A BENCH WARRENT OUT , BUT NOTHING CAME OF IT. I GOT MARRIED AND MY HUSBAND TOLD ME I NEVER WAS RAPED, OR ASSAULTED, I WANTED HIM AND MADE IT UP SO I COULDN'T GET CAUGHT. THAT WAS LIKE BEING STABBED AND HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO FORGET IT. THIS PERSON I KNEW MY WHOLE LIFE, WHY WOULD HE WANT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO ME? SINCERELY
DEBRA SUE GREGOIRE
Copyright © 2002
