Depression
Research indicates that depression among survivors of sexual violence is far higher than that of the general population.
Signs of depression include change of appetite, change in sleeping pattern, lack of enjoyment in life,
or feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Some of this is normal and to be expected while healing and most survivors do have these problems at some point.
I know I still have days when it is hard to get out of bed. However, please see a counselor if you are experiencing these feelings for an extended period of time. You deserve happiness.
Grief
All survivors have reasons to grieve. Survivors of child sexual abuse may find themselves grieving for childhoods that were disrupted or lost because of abuse. Other survivors feel loss when they think of the family they should have had but never did.
I felt as though part of me had died the day I was raped and I grieved for her and the life she was supposed to have led. I still do grieve.
I am proud of the healing work that I have done, but I feel as though I shouldn't have had to do it. I should be enjoying my life, without the reality of rape and this court case weighing on me.
We have the right to experience sorrow. It's an important but tough to face part of the process.
Fear
Many survivors experience their attack as life threatening. After such a terrifying event, it is common to feel afraid.
In the weeks following my attack, I was horribly frightened of the simplest tasks, like going to the grocery store or to work. Leaving the house occasionally induced panic attacks and I never thought I would feel safe again.
It helped me to surround myself with loved ones. I also explored the pages on safety tips created by Lis of Escaping Hades.
and talked to police officers in my area, who helped me find the perfect, protective dog. When she is in the house, I definitely feel safe!
A lot of the survivors I've talked to have expressed to me that they are more careful than they were in the past. I think that that's healthy and a sign that we do value ourselves.
If you feel that you do have reason to be afraid, please take the necessary precautions to protect yourself.
Vulnerability
After my rape, I felt extraordinarily vulnerable and sexual innuendos or stray looks, which I used to take in stride, became threatening to me.
It took me time to feel safe with men I did not know and sometimes I still have difficulty.
Building up my confidence was a particularly difficult process, but reading Gavin deBecker's book,
The Gift of Fear, about trusting our instincts in dangerous situations
was particularly helpful to me. I've also taken a self defense course. Jackie finds that working out allows her to feel less vulnerable.
Re-experiencing the Assault
It is not uncommon for us to relive the trauma. Often a trigger, or reminder of the violence, will produce flashbacks. At other times, intrusive thoughts of the attack will interrupt us. I don't have too many flashbacks, but I've had moments when a simple word will bring me right back. Although this is totally uncomfortable, it is part of the healing process. Judith Herman, the psychologist who wrote Trauma and Recovery, says that traumatic memories are different than regular ones and are processed differently. As a result, they can be intrustive. I know that talking about it is difficult, but it does help with this. For me, by verbalizing the memories, I had a place to put them and they have stopped intruding as much as they did in the past.
Increased Arousal
As people who have experienced extreme danger, we survivors often find ourselves jumpy and easily startled, which is a typical part of post-traumatic stress. We have experienced immediate danger, so we often see the world as unpredictable. As a result, our bodies can be on constant alert, ready to fight. In the immediate months following my rape, I felt as though I was continually defending myself and my loved ones from imminent and horrible danger. However, there was no danger existing. Making sure that I was well protected really helped, as did the understanding of my family and friends. I also had panic attacks. Some of these occurred as a result of triggers that had little to do with the assault. For instance, I woke up late for work one morning and found myself in the midst of a huge panic attack. Waking up late did not remind me of the assault, but feeling out of control did. Educating myself about panic attacks really helped because I feared them less.
Isolation
After I was raped, I felt as though I was sitting inside of a transparent box. I could see my family, Bill, and close friends wanting to help me and their presence soothed me, but I did not think that they could understand what I was feeling. Please know that you are not alone. There are people who can intimately relate to what you are experiencing. Some of them can be found at Pandora's Aquarium or by joining one of the mailing lists. Also, your sexual assault crisis center may have a support group for you to attend. The idea of meeting strangers and discussing what happened to you may be intimidating, but a counselor or support group can provide a safe place for you to talk about things, no matter how frightening they may seem to be, with accepting and understanding people. After my rape, I withdrew from my social world. Interacting with the people in my support group helped me begin to be with others again.
Loss of Control Over Your Life
Sexual assault is about someone else controlling you, so confronting it forces us to realize that we are not always in control of our lives.
In first few months following my assault, sometimes an inconsequential decision, like whether or not to eat, was overwhelming. Before the rape, I was felt capable
of handling my life competently, but immediately following it I was surprised to find myself near tears when I couldn't get my dog in the car to go to the vet!
As survivors, we do have to take back control over our lives.
Avoidance
Many of us aviod reminders of the assault. Reminders are personal, but can include places, people, smells or word. After my rape, I completely avoided the apartment where it occured.
Going there caused panic attacks and I felt that it was best for me to stay away. Working on that specific trigger seemed too difficult to overcome, so I left the apartment and moved in with my parents for a few months. I do not regret that decision.
What helped me was to pick specific triggers to work on. For instance, walking from my car to my house after dark really scared me, but I had to do it.
I'd call Bill, my boyfriend, and let him know that I was coming, so he could watch me while I did so. It helped to know that he was there watching, until I felt safe enough to do it on my own. Another type of avoidance is avoiding our own feelings and trying to push them down, which can lead to dissasociation.
Disassociation
Confronting a shattering life experience is incredibly demanding us. To do so requires that we examine overwhelming emotions, like fear, sadness, and anger.
These feelings can be so powerful that to let them loose seems frightening.
As a result, we may float between these feelings and states of blunted numbness. To have some peace of mind, our emotional systems shut off.
This is a normal reaction to so many powerful emotions, but most of us hate feeling that way. Surrounding myself with people who were willing to listen helped me face my feelings.
Guilt
Many people have internalized the mythology that suvivors are to blame for the assault. Please be compassionate with yourself. It does not matter what you wore, if you were intoxicated, if you knew or were married to your attacker. There is nothing about you that could cause someone to rape you. Your assailant made the choice to hurt you and he is to blame for that.If the abuse happened more than once or if an adult looks back and realizes that she did not avoid the person who abused her as a child, she may feel as though she was complicitous in the abuse. The responsibility and blame for child sexual abuse always lies in the hands of the adult. If you are feeling guilty for what was done to you, figuring out what you needed at that time and what you were settling for may help.
"Why me?"
As the survivor of child sexual abuse and adult rape, I asked myself, "What is it about me that causes people to victimize me?" These feelings can arise from the mistaken belief that assault happens to those who "ask for it" or somehow, in some other way make themselves noticeable. Resolving these feelings sometimes still presents me with difficulties. It is a common and natural feeling that many survivors have. When these feelings crop up in me, I try to remind myself that the people who made the decision to violate me made the illegal and immoral choices. I did not ask to be victimized.Loss of Self-Esteem
Our self image often suffers after sexual assault. Sometimes we blame ourselves or look for qualities on ourselves or mistakes we made that caused the attack. In addition, sexual assault is, by nature, dehumanizing. After an experiencing an event that essentially denies our humanity, we may feel as though we are not entitled to respect and love. However, you are undeniably worthy of love and respect. Always.Concern for the Assailant
Some survivors express a concern for their assailant, if they have reported to the police. Thoughts may include a desire for him to get help, rather than go to jail, while others may feel that it their attack is not worth sending a man to jail for, especially if there were no injuries. It is human to show concern for another person, but rapists and pedophiles are dangerous criminals, who belong in jail. Two weeks after my rapist was arrested and jailed, I had a horrible nightmare, which included finding messages scrawled on my car from my rapist's family members, blaming me for loss of income and for "putting" their relative in jail. As I write this, in fact, I feel myself becoming anxious. Sometimes I still do feel badly, especially for his family members. Remembering that he was the one to make the illegal choice helps me. I cannot be held responsible for the choices that someone else makes.Conversely, other survivors feel guilty that they did not report the rape or child abuse. Again, we can only be held responsible for our own actions. If your perpetrator chooses to assault someone else, the guilt lies in his hands, not yours. Please be compassionate with yourself.
Anger
You have every right to be angry! This is a very appropriate reaction, but a lot of survivors have trouble accessing their rage. Some people even think that depression is anger turned inwards. After I was raped, my anger was so momentous that I feared it because it felt as though anger would consume me if I let it out; I didn't think I'd be ever be able to stop it. I began by letting it out a little at a time. While running, I imagined my rapist's face underneath me. Listening to rageful, angry music is another outlet for me. My friend Jackie uses a punching bag. Expressing anger physically is a terrific release.Reactions Others Have Shared
It happened 3 weeks ago, and I felt I was coping fairly well... until last night. I just read on another site that achohol may bring a more severe reaction, so possibly this is why i had the attack, i had had a drink last night and went to bed. i was having uneasy dreams, not full blown nightmares, but they definitely were not good dreams. The phone rang @like two in the morning, and the person did not leave a message, and then again a couple of minutes later. i don't know if it was being awakened suddenly, or the dreams or what, but i felt soo scared. i couldn't breath and i felt like i was cold and sweaty at the same time. i ached, and had problems swallowing. i just trembled and felt like i might die. it passed, but it felt like forever. i had a hard time telling my sister about the rape, and don't want to scare her again, i just felt i had to get it out somehow
I have never really talked about it. No one really knows, only the few people who I feel are close to me. It's hard to deal with it especially since it happened in my own home, living room. Sometimes I sit hear and I still get flash backs of what happened. I try to stay strong by not thinking about it or better yet as if it never happened. It happened when I was 17 and I am now 20 yrs old. I have all these emotions inside and yet refuse to seek help. I felt at the time that i could learn to handle it on my own. My own family doesn't even know. After this happened, I find that it is hard to express my self with words to others especially my partner. I just tell myself "it never happened...."
Two things that I feel should be mentioned are secondary victimization (which happened to me by the way I was treated by the police) and the other thing is support from family and friends. Its important for rape victims to understand that those who love you can't and don't want to comprehend something as vile as rape. Often times they do and say all the wrong things, thinking they are helping. When often all thats needed is for them to listen.
what about your sexual urges if you are raped by a women when younger for a long period of time the pleasure you recived is not the same kind given by a man so when you do have intercoure the first time you have a sexual urge but it's not fullfilled by him infact the place he put's his penis is 'nt even the same place you experiened your pleasure and normal things that turn other people on do turn you on but disgusting things do but only during mastetbation what do you do to be normal again. and later on your molested by your father and step father and find your self talking to yourself and still attacted to men but dont think you'll ever be sexually satisfied by a man where do i go for help for my sexual problems with intimacy
from the time i was a young child, images of sexual things enrage me...like seeing a playboy magazine, someone looking at it, just enrages me, or seeing things like that on tv or in movies, i cant understand why it bothers me so much, i just get totally enraged by it...i cant remember what happened to me, because i felt this way as long as i can remember, and then later i was molested at age 6 by a peer of mine the same age, but that wasnt my inital cause, i think something happened to me when i was a baby or toddler, i cant remember, and then later on I had my virginity raped away at age 14. I still get triggered by images in movies and tv and pictures, they make me feel enraged...sex makes feel dirty sometimes...and other times, if i feel safe and loved, then i enjoy it and feel normal....
Ayla
One of the most difficult reactions that I've had is intense anger at vulnerability of children. Since I was a young child I found that whenever I was around a child, I would get very angry, impatient and feel the urge to control them and dominate them (which I managed to keep in check, thank god!). I realize now, as an adult, that it's because of my fear and anger at my own vulnerability, and what it cost me as a child. I think on some level that if I can erase that element of the kids in my life (ironically, I don't experience this feeling with my own children, I celebrate their innocence and try to maintain it) that they will not be harmed like I was.
-Kristina
I have never really talked about it. No one really knows, only the few people who I feel are close to me. It's hard to deal with it especially since it happened in my own home, living room. Sometimes I sit hear and I still get flash backs of what happened. I try to stay strong by not thinking about it or better yet as if it never happened. It happened when I was 17 and I am now 20 yrs old. I have all these emotions inside and yet refuse to seek help. I felt at the time that i could learn to handle it on my own. My own family doesn't even know. After this happened, I find that it is hard to express my self with words to others especially my partner. I just tell myself "it never happened...."
This is by no means an exhaustive list of reactions to sexual assault. If you would like to see something added, please email me.
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