My name is Jes and I was raped in my apartment on April 21, 2001 when I was 27 years old. You can read more about me here. Healing has been a tremendous challenge for me; however, it has resulted in immense emotional growth. It has been a struggle and it isn't over yet, but I am proud of the work that I've done and what I have learned about myself. This is the story of my rape and where I am now.
This may be triggering. Please be careful.Late July, 2000
During this time, I was looking forward to a trip to Peru to see my new boyfriend, Bill, who was already there. Since I lived in an apartment without a washing machine, a few days before I left I went to the local laundromat. It was there that I met my neighbor. I ran into him once after that, a few days later. Eight months passed before I saw him again. During those eight months, my life changed drastically. My boyfriend, Bill, had moved into my apartment on April 1st and we were happy to be living together. I ran into my neighbor on the sidewalk outside of my home in the middle of April. I waved hello and walked to my car to head off to the gym.
April 20, 2001
On the night of April 20, Bill and I walked to a local restuarant with two friends. We had a great time with them until they had to leave. On our way home we stopped by a local Latin American bar. I didn't see him, but my neighbor was there that evening. Bill and I went home and he decided to watch TV before going to bed. He ended up sleeping on the couch, while I fell asleep in our bed.
April 21, 2001
"There has been a rape."
Before dusk the next morning, I awoke feeling someone on top of me, giving me oral sex. Thinking that it was Bill, in an amorous mood, I allowed it and he rose and entered me. When I put my hand on him, I realized that something was wrong; this was not Bill. I opened my eyes and saw my neighbor in the dim light. Terrified, I pushed him off of me and tried to hold him against the wall, screaming for Bill. I heard the pounding of feet and screaming, my own and Bill's. Bill chased the rapist out of the house, into the streets. He rushed back into the house and I heard him fumbling for the phone and yelling, "There has been a rape." In moments, several police cars and an ambulance were in the street in front of my apartment. Bill told them where to find the rapist and I identified him from the porch of my apartment. The police arrested him and took him to jail. Quickly, the police officers rushed me into an ambulance to go to the hospital, where my friend Kim and my father met me.
"I would be worried if you weren't crying."
My mother was in Chicago when I was raped and my father and I decided to wait to tell her. While waiting for her to arrive home, I planned to tell her that I was okay, I was fine. As soon as I saw her, I began sobbing in her arms. "I would be worried about you if you weren't crying," she said. To this day, I am grateful for those words, for a mother who made it okay for me not to be okay.
Healing
Within days, the I felt the impact of the rape. While I had once been outgoing and independent, daily tasks like going to work or shopping at the grocery story became overwhelmingly frightening. Bill and I moved back to the security of my parent's home to begin the healing process. I found that what had happened to my body was inconsequential compared to what had been done to my spirit and my faith in the world that surrounded me. I entered individual counseling and Bill and I began therapy together to heal from the rape. He and I spent three months living with my parents. When I look back on that time, I see that I lived from moment to moment at first. What had happened to me was overwhemlingly terrifying; I could no longer trust that my world was safe and orderly. I was constantly watchful, always ready to protect myself from the monsters that I now knew exist. My faith in humanity had been devastated. At all times I saw the world as unsafe; I felt like prey. I spent time talking to my family and my counselor, working restructure my view of the world so I could feel safe again.
Telling
I did not keep my rape private. I needed time away from work and I told my co-workers that I had been raped. I told friends that my neighbor raped me. While many reactions were very supportive, I did not always feel as though my experience had been validated. Quickly, I learned that a personal experience with rape is too difficult for some to want to understand. I was incredibly fortunate to have Bill, my family and a few friends to speak with. When I spoke to friends, they needed to accept that rape happens; it is not something that only happens on television or to people in magazine articles. By telling, I made people aware that they also could become rape's victim. I found that some could not accept this reality.Reaching out
Connecting with other survivors has been so important to me. Being raped, for me, was an isolating experience and I needed to know that other people had survived this. I felt as though no one could possible understand what I was feeling. I found the sites Escaping Hades and Welcome to Barbados created by Lis and Shannon respectively, which let me know that I was not alone and that I could heal from my rape. At Pandora's Aquarium I found a community of amazing women and men who understood and continue to understand. I was fortunate enough to meet my close friend Jackie, who is also a survivor and whose presence in my life is a constant source of renewal. Healing was and still is a difficult task but with the support that I have found for myself it is not impossible.
Where I am now
On my first anniversary, I went skydiving. Before I jumped out of the plane, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for that moment and the work that allowed me to reach it. I am not the same person I was before I was raped. I will never be. Sometimes, I long to be her again, to laugh and live without knowing the terrible wrongs one human can inflict upon another. Having that knowledge weighs heavily on me, but I do know that I have taken something awful that happened to me chosen the path that feels right to me.I am healing.
July 8, 2002
I found myself thinking today about the growth and healing work I have done over the year. Throughout the spring, I found myself anxious and unsettled. I don't entirely attribute this to the rape; for the past few springs I've experienced difficult times, including the death of my grandmother. But lately, I have found myself valuing this season and my happiness so much more. Last year, immersed in healing, I took little pleasure in summer and all that comes with it. I am deeply grateful to be happy within myself again. I am glad to have gained wisdom and a new sureness in myself, but it came at a terrible cost, one which I still resent. I think that is why I chose to start this website. If I can help to illuminate the paths of others, my experience with rape and the darkness that came after will have meaning and value beyond my own growth and world and I can be grateful for that.
May 30, 2007
