Breaking the Silence

Surviving to Thriving: Talking about what happened to us is so difficult, but immense healing can come from it

Anniversaries

We will celebrate our anniversaries. We will give our names. The month, the day, the year, the hour. We will stop being silent.
-Nancy V. Raine, author of After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back

Every year, as winter turns to spring and it becomes more likely to rain than snow, I become anxious and wary. Although it doesn't always register in my mind, my body knows that my anniversary is approaching. I write this on the evening before my third anniversary and I know what to expect - a range of reactions that I cannot predict and control.

Today, in preparation, I spent time with myself, sitting in quiet contemplation. The weather was gorgeous, so I practiced yoga outside and then sat and enjoyed my surroundings. Yesterday, highly anxious, I drove for two hours, just thinking. Though this is a difficult time for me and sometimes very anxious, I try to reflect upon the changes I've made in my life since my rape. I am not the same person I was, but I've made myself stronger in places I felt were irreparably broken.

An anniversary is, for me, certainly a time of mourning. After my rape, my faith in humanity, always solid, had been violated. The overwhelming commitment to my healing shown by friends and loved ones reaffirmed what I had always known. Most people are inherently good.

Still, during April, particularly on rainy days, I find myself becoming anxious and watchful. Sometimes it surprises me and then it occurs to me that it is April, the time of year when my neighbor raped me.

Anniversaries are also a time of celebration for me. I take comfort in knowing how far I have come. That first April, depressed and fearful, I found it hard to leave the house. When I walked out the door every day to go to work, I had my father watch me leave the the house and make my way to my car. At restaurants, I had my boyfriend look after me when I went to the restaurant. Often I had to leave conversations, crying for what I thought was no reason. I'm not that afraid and sad woman any long. I look in the mirror and I recognize myself. To me, this is reason to celebrate.

Some of us don't mark our anniversaries, while others anticipate them with anxiety. I thought it was important to provide a space for us to share our reactions to our anniversaries and let others know what has helped us through a time that can be very difficult.

Anniversary Ideas

On my first anniversary, I went skydiving. A year earlier, the ground had figuratively disappeared beneath my feet. To make it happen for real was so exhilarating!

This year, I spent time in quiet meditation on the day beforehand and then had dinner with Jackie. On the day of my anniversary, I spent a ridiculous amount of money while talking on the phone to Lis of Escaping Hades.

Jackie spends time writing in her journal every year, reflecting on the progress she has made in healing.

Another survivor I know planted a tree on her anniversary.

Stay in bed! If you feel like you can't face the world, don't beat yourself up for it. It is your day and your reaction!

One brave woman I know, went hiking, to feel free in the world and away from the terrible place where she was attacked.

Go to an amusement park and enjoy the day with all of the distractions they can provide.

Spoil yourself, whatever that means to you. Get a manicure and pedicure, maybe, or go out for a nice dinner.

If your are religious, attend a religious ceremony.

Most importantly, do what you need to do to face the day. Find support, either in real life or online. You've survived so far and you will survive this, too.

Anniversary Experiences Survivors Have Shared

My six month anniversary turned out to be a damned nightmare. I didn't know what to do with myself, and there was so much I didn't want to do. I had to work that day, and then my boyfriend arranged a small gathering of friends for dinner. I was sick to my stomach by the end of dinner, and then I spent the next two days in my bed, getting up on occassion to throw up. Sorry this was no good, hopefully the next one won't be so bad.

My anniversary is approaching. This will be year 13. It never goes away but it is easier for me now. If the day falls on off day for my husband, we go to the lake. The lake is my favorite spot and another fear that I force myself to face.

-Brandi

you would think i would have let go from my sexual assault by now--i still have to kick myself----to remind myself that it was a crime--and that it was not my fault. that i was drugged and passed out.

i'm 51 now.

life is good--- however, i regret not stomping his ass or filing a police report back in '79.

on august 4--------i will work out & kick some dust on the road.

best, mda

on my first anniversary i spent it surrounded by loved ones my fiance my parents and my best friend that was with me when it happened and her husband. we had a cook out and enjoyed the gorgeous day thankful to be alive to enjoy it together. It is going to be my 4th anneversary, on dec.31. And i am still severlly coping with it it took my a year before i told any one so my fist was really bad , though they have improved slightly over the past couple of years, i now find my self in a relationship my my nightmares and parinoia are higher then ever perhaps he will be ale to help me distract my self this year.

-Bethany

I am coming up on my one year anniversary. I am anxious and jumpy. It helps to know that others feel this way. I might try some of the anniversary ideas listed.

I just be on that day...I cry, I laugh, and I don't stop the emotions that come naturally to me.

My anniversary is coming up soon. I kept telling myself as the years passed that things would get better and the anniversary date would go by without my even noticing. That hasn't happened. But this year is going to be different. I've made an appointment to see a therapist to talk about what happened to me. It was so long ago but I never told anyone for at least 15 years. It's now approaching my 27th anniversary. What makes it particularly hard is that I was only 16 when I was raped at knifepoint at a party at a friend's house on Valentine's Day. Valentines Day is a day about love and couples and the future. To me it is about fear and terror. I've never married. Came close once, but he too was an abuser and made me feel as though I was so fortunate to have him. The men I do date don't understand when I tell them that I do not celebrate Valentines Day and would prefer that if they want to send me flowers or a card, do it on any other day just because. Maybe this year will be different. Maybe the therapist can help me move past the dread I feel as the commercials start showing up on TV and in the magazines. Maybe this year will be the last of the nightmares.

-Liz

March 29th was my two year anniversary. I took a friend of mine and we went to a shooting range and shot MP5 machine guns. It was a total power trip. It made me feel strong, independent, powerful and ready to face next year.

-Caroline